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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks PPs.
I slept at night, woke up just once. Might eat today, was hungry yesterday. Tears are drying up.

Friday and weekend though are still heavy on my heart. His decline was inevitable, his dying bloodwork showed stage 4 kidney failure as well.
Atleast my trauma would have been avoided if I had given enough time and thought to prioritize correctly.
Now I cant trust myself anymore to prioritize or make sound decisions. This is what hurts the most. For 3 continuous days I was making a series of progressively worse decisions for him and subjecting myself to self inflicted pain.

Any recommendations for grief counselling?[/quote]

That happens to all of us at the end of our pet's life, OP. You aren't a vet, and you didn't have access to any of that information, and you also have other things going on in your life competing for your attention. Try to focus on what a good cat parent you were for so many years - if you hadn't adopted him it would have been much worse for him. Forgive yourself for being human. That's what it boils down to. We all live and learn, and this experience will inform your choices going forward.

Glad you're sleeping. I wonder if the ASPCA has links to counsellors that specialize in bereavement. They used to have that in the Philly area but not sure about here.[/quote]

Thanks, I ate toast, felt good. Glad I fed him broth since he must also have felt good after days of hunger.

I try telling myself that death cannot be and probably should not be routine and pleasant. I was reading online stories about how pets can have even more traumatic death e.g. hospitalized for days, mauled by dogs/coyotes, hit by cars etc.  My silly cat also once got under the neighbors backyard deck, and they have a ferocious dog. Luckily I noticed he was not around the house within a few hours, and was able to get him back on time before the dog was let out. This was 2 years ago. 
And yes, if we had not adopted the fat 3 yr old black cat, he may have been put down with fully functioning kidneys and pancreas.

And you are so right about the information and vet, my primary vets were giving me consistent message that he needs to go given his extreme weight loss for over a week, even before the bloodwork came back, so I was getting prepared.
But the ER vet told me he has tooth abscess, antibiotics can turn him around, hospitalization can turn him around etc. which made me cling to false hope over the weekend and difficulty in letting go. 
It was such a twisted sequence of events, I went in for a scan to check for lymphoma tumors since that can help us decisively opt for euthanasia , and since there were no same day appointments, took emergency route, and the doctor ended up giving medical info and antibiotics and false hope.

I am so glad I have all these random pictures, he does look smug and fat all through the years.

I am not sure what I have learnt though, I only have regret that I could have prioritized him on Friday over stupid work meetings/Target run/Amazon shopping and instead taken him to the vet in the morning so she could have caught his further decline and imminent death. I have taken 3 days off work now, and the world has not ended. Could have avoided the 6 hr ER stress for him and ER death. Gotten time to think clearly, talk to DH.

But what is the life lesson? Avoid ER always, DH thinks that is extreme crazy. Prioritize living over non living things, maybe? But I did not know he was at death's door. I just think I need to let go of the false sense of control especially over life and death.[/quote]

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