Does your DH ever play with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Tell him you need a break and leave him with the kids. He will figure it out. Maybe he needs to get more comfortable doing it?

Yes, my DH plays with the kids. But I have to specifically request help with the newborn...but he is happy to help. He mostly entertains our older two while I have the baby.

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH has always been hands on. When they were young, he took them to the playground and zoo a lot. He still takes them to the mall, pet store or Best Buy. Now that the kids are older, DH plays sports with them often. This weekend they rode bikes and played tennis and soccer.

[Anonymous]

Why dud you have a second child with this man before getting on the same page with him about something this important?

[Anonymous]

My DH pretty much entirely handled our three year old when we had a newborn.

And now with our kids four and almost a year, he plays with them all the time, possibly more than me!

[Anonymous]

DH is all about DD (almost 2) on the weekends - he works long hours so doesn't have as much time with her during the week (but generally does bath and reads to her before bed). What is your husband doing the rest of the weekend - 20 minutes is pretty minimal. No way I would be pregnant with #2 if he wasn't completely engaged.

[Anonymous]

Mine always plays with the kids. I SAHM and am more naturally the disciplinarian. He plays more than I do, but he is also supportive of me.

[Anonymous]

It depends what you mean by playing. DH will do stuff with DS outside - the park, the pool, kicking a ball around. He will never play a board game or do anything with him in the house. Ever.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to stereotype, but I've seen it often enough: many men just aren't that into babies. Once the kid hits 2 they are much more engaged. Sad, and stupid, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to stereotype, but I've seen it often enough: many men just aren't that into babies. Once the kid hits 2 they are much more engaged. Sad, and stupid, but true.

This is such a double standard. I felt the same way--taking care of DS when he was a baby was drudgery. Of course I loved him, but I was not into it at all. Once he was over 2 I felt much more engaged. Same for my husband, but I was never given the luxury of just deciding I wanted to check out until DS turned 2 like my husband did. I was (and still am) the default parent, but it's so much better now that DS is 4. DH is also much better about playing with DS now, but just could not figure out how to play with him before 2yo. Since I didn't have a choice, I figured it out as I went along. It wasn't rocket science.

Yes, I did try to explain how I felt to DH many times, but to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to stereotype, but I've seen it often enough: many men just aren't that into babies. Once the kid hits 2 they are much more engaged. Sad, and stupid, but true.

This is such a double standard. I felt the same way--taking care of DS when he was a baby was drudgery. Of course I loved him, but I was not into it at all. Once he was over 2 I felt much more engaged. Same for my husband, but I was never given the luxury of just deciding I wanted to check out until DS turned 2 like my husband did. I was (and still am) the default parent, but it's so much better now that DS is 4. DH is also much better about playing with DS now, but just could not figure out how to play with him before 2yo. Since I didn't have a choice, I figured it out as I went along. It wasn't rocket science.

Yes, I did try to explain how I felt to DH many times, but to no avail.

THANK YOU! I came here just to post this!

Look at these BS posts on this thread "oh, maybe he'll do better when they're 2 (um, OP's older kid is 3!)" "Some men just don't get in to kids until they're 5 and can play board games," "Maybe when they're 10 and play sports..." Other threads give men a pass through the newborn stage or "until they're walking" or whatever-- we see the truth here. (Sure, some men really DO become much better after X age, but the point is that women are generally expected to suck it up no matter what.)

When does it end?!

I'm "lucky" that my DH is amazing with my DC, now 3. Not only does he play with or care for her (cooks all of us a real breakfast every morning) just about every chance he gets, but he constantly whines he doesn't get enough time with her, and genuinely tells her he misses her every day. And he works 40 hours/week, and I am only nominally a WAHM. Since I am still working on the whole WAHM thing, he gets her ALONE 2 hours every morning and about 2 hours every evening (more on Thursdays because I have a class). Plus probably 5 more hours on the weekends, plus he fully shares parent duty and playtime the rest of the weekend.

Before we had one, my DH loved little kids (maybe 2 or 3 to 8 or 9), but wasn't that "in to" babies. So what? He adapted. He's great now, of course, and I know I'll hit my real stride when my DC is like 8 or 10-- which is great, because tweens and teens are not DH's wheelhouse. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. We each adapted and will continue to adapt and COME THE EFF ON, PEOPLE. I am not nearly as good with kids who can't hold a conversation, which DC has just really started to do in the last 6 months. But did I pawn her off until she got "interesting?" What a load of BS.

[Anonymous]

I hope this doesn't come off as "Why did you have children with this man?" because I find that so meanspirited and unhelpful. But does your DH ever talk about why he wanted to have kids and what he imagined that relationship would be like? Because there are two things at work here.

First, some of childcare just is drudgery. It's tedious or annoying or whatever, but it needs to be done, and there's no reason it should all fall on one parent.

Second, overall, if you're having kids, you should be enjoying parenthood (yeah, lots of drudgery, but also joy). Does your DH like spending time with the kids in any way? How does he see his relationship with them developing?

My ILs are pretty reserved emotionally, so my DH didn't have much of a model for parenting. But he's a kindhearted person with a big capacity for silliness, and he's a great dad. Sometimes, still, he needs a nudge that this is something he signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he does, though sometimes he has to be guilted into it. He's actually pretty great with the 3yo now and not so much with the babe. Agree with the PPs that women are never given this luxury about

The division of labor (and fun) is obviously going to be different while you're on maternity leave but that doesn't mean he gets to check out. You're both working during the day; your job is probably just way more tedious. So, yes, talk to him now. I think even if you were fine with how things are now (and it seems you are NOT), you need to start the conversation about how things are going to go when you're back to work. Otherwise, things will default to you because he hasn't even thought about it.

[Anonymous]

Ack, that was supposed to be "luxury to check out until kids are more interesting"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. All the time. Maybe even more than I do. Kids just turned 4 and 6.

Us too. DH is better at playing with the kids in a focused way, whereas I get distracted with house stuff (laundry, cooking. etc.). He's happy to ignore all of that stuff (which is another issue entirely) and just spend all his free time with them.

[Anonymous]

A lot--he takes her to the playground, does puzzles with her, reads her stories, etc. I'd say that I'm more willing to do pretend play with her and to do painting/drawing/coloring/stickers with her, but he is great with physical play--picking her up, tickling, roughhousing, etc. So it ends up being a good balance, I think.