Husband tells his sister everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were talking about ourselves. When to have children. I said we need to start sooner than later. He pointed out that we don't, his sister is starting at 40. Hence my comment on her fertility. It had nothing to do with her until he used her as an example of waiting when he doesn't even know if she will successfully conceive or not.

OP, some people, and especially men, have different mental filters about what is acceptable. You know about this habit of his, so start qualifying comments that you don't want to be repeated. When he says something like "we don't have to start sooner, my sister is starting at 40," you can answer "Many women over 35 have fertility issues and have to have fertility treatments, but you don't have to tell her" or "...tell her I said that." If the latter, he can repeat what you said without attributing it to you. If the former, he can not say anything.

But I know many people, both men and women, who have no problems repeating comments like that, and many people, both men and women, who don't have an issue hearing something like that. So, while it is common being cautious about such statements, it isn't universal. If you have concerns about what he repeats, just qualify what things he should keep to himself until he learns how to filter what you say in a way that is acceptable to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't husbands and wives commonly say things to each other that are sensitive or could be considered negative? And don't husbands and wives typically know not to share these things outside the relationship? I don't get why anyone is hammering the OP.

It must be one weirdo.

And maybe it's the same person who finds mention of infertility treatments at 40 as insanely insensitive. It just isn't, particularly when you are not speaking to the 40 year old in question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It was smart advice and he was not wrong in saying it. It shouldn't have attributed it to you though, since it's a touchy subject. But, as a 40+ woman, I;d be shocked if my brother didn't bring up fertility issues if I were planning on a(nother) baby.

It is not smart advice. That's the kind of thing his sister can discuss with her husband and ob/gyn. Whether or not she has fertility issues is not something they will know until they start trying OR if it is something her doc has already discovered and discussed with her. What he did was tantamount to telling a pregnant 40 yr old that her baby may have birth defects. Da Hell!

[Anonymous]

That's a betrayal imo. You need to firmly let him know your personal business relating to your marriage stays within the marriage. He shouldn't be telling his sister that stuff so you need to make sure he understands those boundaries. He certainly should have been smarter then to say that to his sister.

[Anonymous]

Oversharing by itself is not the problem, but the miscommunications during relay and emotional reactions to information can be rather difficult to live with.

Your SIL was wrong to be offended, but:
1. Is your husband overstating how angry she was?
2. Does she not understand that oversharing is a two-way street, and that you can comment on her life, just as she comments on yours? Or perhaps your husband overshares but she never comments on your life, in which case she expects the same treatment?

Anyway, this oversharing might end rapidly given the present situation!

You did nothing wrong, OP, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Now you know. Don't say anything you don't want passed on to his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a betrayal imo. You need to firmly let him know your personal business relating to your marriage stays within the marriage. He shouldn't be telling his sister that stuff so you need to make sure he understands those boundaries. He certainly should have been smarter then to say that to his sister.

My BIL does this to my sister and I think he is a big coward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She didn't go all negative. She just said it to her husband, probably along with many other things. And to an earlier poster, she did not put anything "out there." She had what should have been understood it to be a private conversation with her husband. Don't you say different things to your spouse, with less of a filter, then you would say to others? And she didn't say anything wrong in any event. I went through extensive fertility treatments. What's wrong with someone talking with their husband about the possibility. Is it somehow supposed to be shameful?

NP here.
Good post above.

OP, I'd use this as the basis for a sit-down with your husband. Look at PP's words above and use something along those lines. "Honey, I say things to you in the privacy of our marriage that don't necessarily have a filter. I say things that I would not necessarily say to other people. I thought I didn't have to add each time, 'Hey, please don't repeat that,' but in this case it seems like I should have. Please be aware that if I say something personal about someone else, your sister or anyone at all, it's for your ears only and not for repeating. The idea here is that we say things to our spouses that are unfiltered and that let us just think out loud, without worrying about those thoughts being passed along."

Because...that is how things should be between spouses, as the PP notes. I'd really talk with husband about the idea that things you say, whether offhand or random or un-PC or anything, are for him, not for his sister or mother or anyone else.

OP, would he - since he's from a close, "sharing" family -- interpret that as "You're asking me to hide stuff from my family?" If so, his upbringing is getting in the way of your being able to think out loud with him. I guess all you can do then is try to get through to him that this isn't about creating secrets, it's about spouses being able to bounce stuff around without concern that it's going to end up with others. To me, that's a huge, huge part of a good marriage. I'd hate to have to edit what I said to my husband when we're talking through family stuff.

OP, one other thing. I note you say you don't speak to your SIL. What's up with that? (I haven't read all the posts so if you answered that earlier, sorry.) Maybe she just lives far away and you're not that close? That's fine. Just wondering if she would have taken such offense if you and she did communicate and she felt she could say, "What was up with that comment Brother said you made?" But no matter what the deal is with you and your SIL, your husband could be more aware of developing a filer when it comes to repeating what you say.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. You are correct that this is a good example of his over-sharing.

To those that are saying you need to flag up front to him certain things that require discretion: he will forget and the next thing he will say next time is "Oh, I forgot that you told me not to share such and such."

He needs to wise up.

[Anonymous]

There seem to be two issues here: whether it's appropriate to comment on her fertility, and whether it's appropriate for your husband to go outside the confines of a marital conversation and repeat the comment.

I think you should be free to say whatever you want within the confines of your marriage, even make snarky and snide remarks (not saying you did, just saying that between spouses, sometimes that is done.) You should feel free and should have confidence that those remarks are confidential.

As to the issue of the fertility remark, I think once the cat was out of the bag, you do the damage control if you care about the relationship with your SIL. Your husband was clueless about what fertility issues mean to women and the fact that these are loaded issues at the heart of femininity, or can be. I think you have to call her and tell her that you and your DH were discussing your own possible conception issues and that he misinterpreted the intent of your reflecting on age. At least I would, because otherwise you came across as a busybody know it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an intensely private person, but my husband overshares with his sister. For the most part it doesn't matter. Recently she's engaged to get married and shared with him that at 40+ they will begin trying to have a baby. I pointed out to him that a woman at that age will likely have to do fertility treatments. Apparently he passes this message on to her and she gets angry at me. How neither of them know the basics of fertility is beyond me, but really my husband threw me under the bus. How would you discuss appropriate and inappropriate sharing with his sister?

Does she bully him for information, OP? Was DH abused? I ask because my DH was, and finally - he decided to give her wrong information, because he still has issues from their upbringing.

Otherwise, if he is capable (mentally) - have a heart to heart with him and tell him (or preface everything, which might get old for you) that this stays between you two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were talking about ourselves. When to have children. I said we need to start sooner than later. He pointed out that we don't, his sister is starting at 40. Hence my comment on her fertility. It had nothing to do with her until he used her as an example of waiting when he doesn't even know if she will successfully conceive or not.

OP, some people, and especially men, have different mental filters about what is acceptable. You know about this habit of his, so start qualifying comments that you don't want to be repeated. When he says something like "we don't have to start sooner, my sister is starting at 40," you can answer "Many women over 35 have fertility issues and have to have fertility treatments, but you don't have to tell her" or "...tell her I said that." If the latter, he can repeat what you said without attributing it to you. If the former, he can not say anything.

But I know many people, both men and women, who have no problems repeating comments like that, and many people, both men and women, who don't have an issue hearing something like that. So, while it is common being cautious about such statements, it isn't universal. If you have concerns about what he repeats, just qualify what things he should keep to himself until he learns how to filter what you say in a way that is acceptable to you.

Great advice above. I had the same problem with my spouse and did exactly as you said above, asking him not to repeat or share certain things.
Took a while but it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your place to decide what your husband shares or doesn't share with his sister. It's their relationship. Your post is really about what she shared with him and your displaced feelings of anger, jealousy, and discomfort.

You say you "pointed out" that she will likely have fertility issues. My god. How thoughtless and mean. And how unnecessary. Do you think she lives in an alternate reality where women of 40 don't realize their chances of conception? Why was it your place to "school" her on her chances of conception? And why the grotesque assumption that she did not know the basics of fertility? Are you the only person on earth who does? Maybe she's trying to conceive anyway.

You sound like a real piece of work. You are clearly jealous of your husband's relationship with his sister, and you seem like the clear shit-stirrer in this situation. When she does get pregnant and have a baby, please try not to impede and upset the relationship with your bulletins about birth defects and other ugly advice.

wtf??? The OP didnt "school" her SIL, she thought she was having a private conversation with her husband!!! You have dumb husband problem. You should not have to worry that everything you two discuss, he runs and tells his mommy or sissy. He needs to leave and cleave, what a piece of work

[Anonymous]

SIL has the right to be upset with you.

OP you are in the wrong and your husband could be a little wiser.

[Anonymous]

I think you bring it up as how would he feel if he heard something from a 3rd party about something he didn't share directly with that person. One, you may not have chosen to share that information with that other person and two it can become a game of telephone. Just say, he has to own the statements he says to his sister unless it is logistical in nature like my wife said our schedule is free for Christmas or we would like to have you guys over for dinner. Any other statements need to happen directly between you and SIL to avoid these issues.

He should have said he did research in relation to you guys having kids and he thought fertility was tougher at 40. There should have been no we or mentioning your name in that statement. When he goofed up and she got mad after he put his foot in it, he shouldnt have brought it to you to solve. If he couldn't fix it (did he try?) he should have given you the heads up if he thought things would be frosty. What purpose does it serve to tell you she is upset with you? I love my ILs but they sometimes drive me crazy with advanced planning. I like to think my DH loves my parents and I know their flakiness with plans drives him crazy. We share our frustrations with each other but never ever go to our parents with the statement your son-in-law or daughter-in-law thinks that ...