Sexless marriage veteran thread got me thinking...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that like so many things this can change over time, with changes in life circumstances (kids being a big one but of course there are others).

Im fine with about once a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. After I had our second DC I don't think I masturbated for like a year. I just had no energy for or interest in sex after spending hours every day being touched, doing things for other people, nursing, etc. But I doubt we ever went more than 2 weeks without sex because I know my DH wants and needs it.

Now, several years later, I know we're mismatched as far as libido, but also, my DH can't seem to ask for anything directly (i.e. "I'd like to have sex more often") and instead makes a lot of sarcastic cracks which often end up hurting my feelings. I also still spend a lot of my time doing stuff for others and/or trying to take care of myself physically (sleep, exercise) and don't have much left over for anything. But honestly probably the biggest issue is that DH wants sex to be this involved production and if he were content with a quickie we'd easily be able to have sex twice as often as we do.

This sounds very familiar -- except that with my DW, we very often went 3-4 weeks without sex. Two months during one stretch. And, I'm like your DH in that I've felt put out by the offer of a quickie. If we'd never gone more than two weeks without, I think quickies would be fine. But, if I might not be getting laid for 3-4 weeks, I'm hesitant to "reset" my wife's sex clock by wasting my opportunity on a quickie.

I've also been guilty of the sarcastic quips -- which I admit don't help anything. But, in my (sort of) defense: a) I've expressed my wishes to have sex more often directly and those conversations make her cry anyway because they make her feel like a bad wife; and b) because I've expressed myself several times over the years, she already knows. So the sarcastic quips come out because she knows and nothing is changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that like so many things this can change over time, with changes in life circumstances (kids being a big one but of course there are others).

Im fine with about once a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. After I had our second DC I don't think I masturbated for like a year. I just had no energy for or interest in sex after spending hours every day being touched, doing things for other people, nursing, etc. But I doubt we ever went more than 2 weeks without sex because I know my DH wants and needs it.

Now, several years later, I know we're mismatched as far as libido, but also, my DH can't seem to ask for anything directly (i.e. "I'd like to have sex more often") and instead makes a lot of sarcastic cracks which often end up hurting my feelings. I also still spend a lot of my time doing stuff for others and/or trying to take care of myself physically (sleep, exercise) and don't have much left over for anything. But honestly probably the biggest issue is that DH wants sex to be this involved production and if he were content with a quickie we'd easily be able to have sex twice as often as we do.

This sounds very familiar -- except that with my DW, we very often went 3-4 weeks without sex. Two months during one stretch. And, I'm like your DH in that I've felt put out by the offer of a quickie. If we'd never gone more than two weeks without, I think quickies would be fine. But, if I might not be getting laid for 3-4 weeks, I'm hesitant to "reset" my wife's sex clock by wasting my opportunity on a quickie.

I've also been guilty of the sarcastic quips -- which I admit don't help anything. But, in my (sort of) defense: a) I've expressed my wishes to have sex more often directly and those conversations make her cry anyway because they make her feel like a bad wife; and b) because I've expressed myself several times over the years, she already knows. So the sarcastic quips come out because she knows and nothing is changing.

So stop being an asshole. There is no defense for that kind of behavior. And I am a DW who wants way more sex than my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that like so many things this can change over time, with changes in life circumstances (kids being a big one but of course there are others).

Im fine with about once a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. After I had our second DC I don't think I masturbated for like a year. I just had no energy for or interest in sex after spending hours every day being touched, doing things for other people, nursing, etc. But I doubt we ever went more than 2 weeks without sex because I know my DH wants and needs it.

Now, several years later, I know we're mismatched as far as libido, but also, my DH can't seem to ask for anything directly (i.e. "I'd like to have sex more often") and instead makes a lot of sarcastic cracks which often end up hurting my feelings. I also still spend a lot of my time doing stuff for others and/or trying to take care of myself physically (sleep, exercise) and don't have much left over for anything. But honestly probably the biggest issue is that DH wants sex to be this involved production and if he were content with a quickie we'd easily be able to have sex twice as often as we do.

This sounds very familiar -- except that with my DW, we very often went 3-4 weeks without sex. Two months during one stretch. And, I'm like your DH in that I've felt put out by the offer of a quickie. If we'd never gone more than two weeks without, I think quickies would be fine. But, if I might not be getting laid for 3-4 weeks, I'm hesitant to "reset" my wife's sex clock by wasting my opportunity on a quickie.

I've also been guilty of the sarcastic quips -- which I admit don't help anything. But, in my (sort of) defense: a) I've expressed my wishes to have sex more often directly and those conversations make her cry anyway because they make her feel like a bad wife; and b) because I've expressed myself several times over the years, she already knows. So the sarcastic quips come out because she knows and nothing is changing.

So stop being an asshole. There is no defense for that kind of behavior. And I am a DW who wants way more sex than my DH.

I should stop making sarcastic remarks because stopping is the right thing to do. They're just an emotional outburst in response to feeling hurt. But making them or not making them isn't going to have an impact on the frequency with which we have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stop being an asshole. There is no defense for that kind of behavior. And I am a DW who wants way more sex than my DH.

Hmm...how *is* he able to resist your charm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that like so many things this can change over time, with changes in life circumstances (kids being a big one but of course there are others).

Im fine with about once a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. After I had our second DC I don't think I masturbated for like a year. I just had no energy for or interest in sex after spending hours every day being touched, doing things for other people, nursing, etc. But I doubt we ever went more than 2 weeks without sex because I know my DH wants and needs it.

Now, several years later, I know we're mismatched as far as libido, but also, my DH can't seem to ask for anything directly (i.e. "I'd like to have sex more often") and instead makes a lot of sarcastic cracks which often end up hurting my feelings. I also still spend a lot of my time doing stuff for others and/or trying to take care of myself physically (sleep, exercise) and don't have much left over for anything. But honestly probably the biggest issue is that DH wants sex to be this involved production and if he were content with a quickie we'd easily be able to have sex twice as often as we do.

This sounds very familiar -- except that with my DW, we very often went 3-4 weeks without sex. Two months during one stretch. And, I'm like your DH in that I've felt put out by the offer of a quickie. If we'd never gone more than two weeks without, I think quickies would be fine. But, if I might not be getting laid for 3-4 weeks, I'm hesitant to "reset" my wife's sex clock by wasting my opportunity on a quickie.

I've also been guilty of the sarcastic quips -- which I admit don't help anything. But, in my (sort of) defense: a) I've expressed my wishes to have sex more often directly and those conversations make her cry anyway because they make her feel like a bad wife; and b) because I've expressed myself several times over the years, she already knows. So the sarcastic quips come out because she knows and nothing is changing.

So stop being an asshole. There is no defense for that kind of behavior. And I am a DW who wants way more sex than my DH.

I should stop making sarcastic remarks because stopping is the right thing to do. They're just an emotional outburst in response to feeling hurt. But making them or not making them isn't going to have an impact on the frequency with which we have sex.

You just made my point for me. Second time this evening. Thanks, DCUM for being so on the ball!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So stop being an asshole. There is no defense for that kind of behavior. And I am a DW who wants way more sex than my DH.

Hmm...how *is* he able to resist your charm?

Oh please. It is about learning to act like a grownup. Can't get what you want? Either learn how to accept it or move on. Sarcarstic quips are not going to get you laid, just as the pp admitted. They are certainly not going to help in any other part of the marriage. So grow up and learn how to deal with the reality or get out. It really is as simple as that. How do I know? BTDT.

[Anonymous]

New question --for women 50 and over, what is your need? Well, really a different question -- how hard is it to find a woman in her 50s who still wants frequent sex, who wants to have orgasms, who sees sex as part of passion and intimacy? Obviously, this is not my DW or I wouldn't be posting on DCUM. Thanks. Genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New question --for women 50 and over, what is your need? Well, really a different question -- how hard is it to find a woman in her 50s who still wants frequent sex, who wants to have orgasms, who sees sex as part of passion and intimacy? Obviously, this is not my DW or I wouldn't be posting on DCUM. Thanks. Genuinely curious.

In a new relationship, this shouldn't be too tough - for awhile. Novelty is a great aphrodisiac.

[Anonymous]

I think we are a tiny bit mismatched. I'm good with 2xs a week and he'd prefer 5-7. We've been together 18yrs and you would think he'd get tired of me, but nope, he still is very attracted to me.

Though he'd like more, he's aware that he has it good compared to most men whose wives have sexually abandoned tbe marriage.

[Anonymous]

Went through a long stretch without sex when DW was pregnant for our second child her libido disappeared. Went from 2-3 times a week to nothing. Got to the point f I was laying next to her rubbing her back and happened to get aroused, if she noticed she would pull away and get mad. I was even getting up during the night with the children so she could sleep nothing worked. Tried to talk about it which would always lead to an argument, but at least by then I was having sex once a month.
I went 8 years without my DW giving preforming oral on me. Finally I asked her about it and she told me she only was more sexual before, to please me and that she only did it to be liked and certainly never enjoyed oral, but would receive. I accused her of being false when we married and that she isn't the person I fell in love with. It got to point that I told her I was leaving. she became very angry and said she couldn't believe I would ruin a family over little sex and no oral. I told her not if but when she finds a new boyfriend and everything is exciting again and she preforms oral on him to remember that doing the same thing could have saved the marriage.
She got very mad over that but the next day she had a change of heart. Things have been great now for the past 4 years and she seems to be enjoying sex again and initiates it at times. Might get called a jerk for what I said and did but it saved our marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New question --for women 50 and over, what is your need? Well, really a different question -- how hard is it to find a woman in her 50s who still wants frequent sex, who wants to have orgasms, who sees sex as part of passion and intimacy? Obviously, this is not my DW or I wouldn't be posting on DCUM. Thanks. Genuinely curious.

It will be like this. They will have sex with you to keep you(at the start), but once they feel comfortable...no more sex. Menopause usually totally kills any sex drive in women(and most women have a lot lower sex to start with). Yes yes some women have a high sex drive but in general men have a higher drive vs women. So I think you are look for a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Every time I read one of these threads, I think of my friends, R and S. They have been married ten years and he is an absolute asshole to her (not speaking to her for days, making her do all the housework and cooking, despite her working longer hours), except when he wants to have sex, and even then he's not doing anything to really get her interested, so naturally she's exhausted and uninterested. He maintains to his friends (including me) that he's a good spouse. I wonder how often libido mismatches have other sides to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New question --for women 50 and over, what is your need? Well, really a different question -- how hard is it to find a woman in her 50s who still wants frequent sex, who wants to have orgasms, who sees sex as part of passion and intimacy? Obviously, this is not my DW or I wouldn't be posting on DCUM. Thanks. Genuinely curious.

I've always had a greater sex drive than DH and we've been together nearly 30 years. He was never that good at it and is pretty clueless (like most guys) as to how female anatomy works. Self service has been the answer in the last several years of a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I read one of these threads, I think of my friends, R and S. They have been married ten years and he is an absolute asshole to her (not speaking to her for days, making her do all the housework and cooking, despite her working longer hours), except when he wants to have sex, and even then he's not doing anything to really get her interested, so naturally she's exhausted and uninterested. He maintains to his friends (including me) that he's a good spouse. I wonder how often libido mismatches have other sides to the story.

I'm sure there are plenty. But, there are also lots of guys who are attentive, caring husbands who are, nevertheless in low sex marriages. And, there are plenty of women who are attracted to guys who treat them poorly. I'd say that sexual desire is not well correlated with how respectfully couples treat one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New question --for women 50 and over, what is your need? Well, really a different question -- how hard is it to find a woman in her 50s who still wants frequent sex, who wants to have orgasms, who sees sex as part of passion and intimacy? Obviously, this is not my DW or I wouldn't be posting on DCUM. Thanks. Genuinely curious.

I've always had a greater sex drive than DH and we've been together nearly 30 years. He was never that good at it and is pretty clueless (like most guys) as to how female anatomy works. Self service has been the answer in the last several years of a sexless marriage.

Well women are pretty clueless at sex also.