How do you deal with people who hate people of your religion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

No, she just thinks believing in God is stupid. I like your statement a lot, though.

Also, it's not our house (we aren't local to them). It's their house or MIL's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

[Anonymous]

I'm catholic and come across this a fair amount. I don't care honestly. I almost never talk about religion and they are entitled to their opinions. The only thing I would not tolerate is if it was in front of my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

Fairly literal, although not young earth creationists.

For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

[Anonymous]

And I won't even go into the things she posts on Facebook, since I know the answer is "don't look". It's just hard to be around her, knowing how she feels about people like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this goes here or in family issues, but I have a SIL who absolutely hates religion and religious people, and had a particular dislike for people of my faith. Her Facebook page is covered in rants about the topic, and during family gatherings she makes rude remarks to people's faces about it. For no particular reason - no one's proselytizing to her or anything - I guess she just thinks she needs to get her opinion out there. Is there a polite way to interact with people like this? I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, but she's hateful.

Suggest calling a truce. When you're together, neither of you will bring up religion.

+1

I had a co-worker like this and told I wasn't going to debate my religion, speak on behalf of its billion plus adherents, or change my mind because of her opinion, and that I wasn't looking to change her mind or convert her. That put a stop to it. I ignore all of her hater messages on FB because really, who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

Fairly literal, although not young earth creationists.

For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

Wow, super rude!!! If you don't want to say grace, then just politely sit there for a moment. That's all it takes to be a decent accommodating person. If she finds it such an outrage, then she & her kids should sit down at the table 5 minutes after everyone else. I'd propose that if this were my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

Fairly literal, although not young earth creationists.

For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

Wow, super rude!!! If you don't want to say grace, then just politely sit there for a moment. That's all it takes to be a decent accommodating person. If she finds it such an outrage, then she & her kids should sit down at the table 5 minutes after everyone else. I'd propose that if this were my SIL.

I thought it was at SIL's house at least some of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

Fairly literal, although not young earth creationists.

For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

Wow, super rude!!! If you don't want to say grace, then just politely sit there for a moment. That's all it takes to be a decent accommodating person. If she finds it such an outrage, then she & her kids should sit down at the table 5 minutes after everyone else. I'd propose that if this were my SIL.

I thought it was at SIL's house at least some of the time.

No, never. Always at the parents' house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything except DH, and since she's not my relative, I don't feel that I can say anything to her. I guess I'm mostly looking for a way I can be ok with the things she says. I'm not good when people aren't nice,never have been.

Probably one of the things she dislikes about organized religion is that it's been a cause of division and conflict across human history - yet, she is using the topic of religion to cause division within her own family. Has anyone pointed out the hypocrisy to her in this behavior? Maybe something as simple "You know SIL, I also think that religion should never be a cause of division - let's not allow it to be one here & now. What do you say?" and then change the subject.

This. Two other thoughts: has your DH's religion been a lot harder on her than it was on him? and if you are literal believers, maybe that really bothers her. I know it gets under my skin that my dad literally believes the earth is a few thousand years old because that's what the Bible adds up to. Not that there's any excuse for dickish behavior and mocking.

Fairly literal, although not young earth creationists.

For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

If you can't bring yourself to say anything, then try to grow a thick skin like your in-laws have. Also, don't respond in any way to her direct assults. no folllow ups and just change the subject. ANd don't bring up religion yourself. Make it a religion-free zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walking away isn't always an option in family functions. And since she's an IL, I feel like I need to be on my best behavior.

You are incorrect; you never need to respond to or engage someone's rude behavior..you can always ignore it. If she comes up to you and says something about your religion, you can always respond to it by saying, "how 'bout them Ravens".

You can also always be "on your best behavior" by calling her out on her rudeness with class, particularly if she persists in saying something even after you have ignored or not responded to her. You can say something like, 'I don't say ugly things about atheists|atheism in your presence, please stop saying them about [insert your religion here] in mine".

Of course, you should probably ask yourself first: how often do you talk about your religion and proselytize in her presence? How often do you bring it up when nobody has asked? And before you get upset about her FB posts (which are not part of the family gathering), how often do you make posts on your FB about your religion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, after a very general blessing before a meal over Christmas, SIL decided it was the right time to tell her children that praying to an imaginary deity before eating was something small-minded people do. I feel like I can't say anything - not my house - so how can I feel less unhappy about it myself? IL's just rolled their eyes. I guess they've been around her long enough to blow it off.

PP again. That's pretty epically rude. However, if she is expected to participate (bow head, hold hands, etc.) then she may feel it's coerced participation/pressure. If you are pretty much a biblical literalist (which translation is the true one anyway, or do you read aramaic?), then I think you would find being forced to participate in a...hindu blessing...kind of offensive...so if you really want to be empathetic to her and feel better about her obnoxious behavior, then you could consider that. It may make it easier to ignore her bad behavior.

All that said - and I am an atheist - I think her behavior is intolerably rude and unacceptable. I do not think you need to put up with it in YOUR HOUSE. She needs to teach her children that you are respectful - even if you disagree - of other people's beliefs and customs when you are their guest.

I would take her aside privately - and you probably shouldn't be the person to do this - your husband or sibling (whoever it is that connects you to her) should do it - and tell her that she can respectfully remain silent and not participate in the blessing if she doesn't wish to, but that the overt fight-picking and hostility is unwelcome and that she and her children will be unwelcome if it persists.

This has nothing to do with faith: she's seeking attention and drama...and the only correct response to drama seekers is to refuse to engage them, which often means removing them - like all toxic people - from your life. Unless she is your blood relative, your husband|wife or your sibling needs to step up and run interference on this for you too. If you can't simply ignore the (childish) attention-seeking behavior, then someone does need to tell her that she either stops it or she is unwelcome. Others may be afraid to openly have this conflict in the family (and it can be done discreetly) but they will probably be grateful that you had the guts to tell her to stick a sock in it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. What's wrong with simply arriving at the table after the blessing is said? That's what I'd do - and I am of a slightly different religion than IL's, so some things they say I internally shake my head over, but I would NEVER say something about it.

Also, there's a big difference between posting about your own faith on FB and constantly criticizing another one (I personally don't do either). Just so we're clear, her posts aren't the "thank the goddess for this beautiful day" kind, they're the "fucking dumbass <insert faith here> are assholes" kind of posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've LITERALLY never met any. Or if I have, I haven't known they hate Jewish people. I've met people who are ignorant about Judaism (do you celebrate Thanksgiving?), but nobody who hates my tribe.

OP here. SIL is a pagan, and feels that any kind of "organized religion" is beneath her. Also, as another PP pointed out, anti-semitism is frowned upon. I know it's out there, but people hide it really well - except SIL, of course, because how could they be silly and uneducated enough to believe in God?

Girl, I'd put on your big girl pants, and tell her firmly she is crossing a boundary that is in appropriate, and to please be an adult and not degrade your religion and you will do the same. And if she says no, I'd leave and not spend time with her anymore. She is a bully. You have to put them in check.

[Anonymous]

Same PP.

thought more on it, if you tend to be shy, I've got a cheat sheet method here it is:

Interrupt her rant, real loud, saying:

"Boundaries!!
Boundaries!!!
Inappropriateeeeee!!!!

Anywhoooo, so, how about that blizzard. . ." [talking to somebody else].

If she tries to Interrupt you, say "no interruptinggggg" [eye roll].

You need to find your inner bitch lol.