Truth in "guys who make you cry are not worth your tears" ?

[Anonymous]

Last year, I ended a relationship with a guy just like your BF, OP.

Run (don't walk) away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No no no no. I married a guy just like your boyfriend. I have been in tears all day and I want to die right now. We have been together 15 years and it has only gotten worse. He isn't just belittling now, he's nasty and abusive. I hate my life. Please don't marry him.

Were there signs of this before you were engaged? Did you believe things would just get better over time? Because that's the part where right now I feel naive especially as I read other people's feedback.

I think we would be great because we both have shared values and we come from similar family upbringing despite growing up in different states. As he got older though he has been less active in the religious aspect of his life, and having gone through that journey myself I feel like if he's meant to be led back into the church he will find his own way. I don't want to push him. That said, we have discussed that if we have children, we would want to raise them of the same faith we were raised as and send them to Christian schooling so long as it's affordable which might not be in this DMV area. I have issues with the idea of moving out of this area because all my friends and family are here and my work is here. My work is super important to me and he has a job where he can pick up and go anytime and still find relatively similar line of work. I am worried that if motherhood should happen there may be the expectation that the majority of parenting duties will fall upon me, but when we have brought that up in discussion, he tells me with great gusto that he wants to be a hands on parent and he would be willing and ready to get in on all the action and help whatever ways he can because it's our child, not my child. That really spoke to me and gave me the notion that he'd be a good co-parent and father so maybe my hesitations, worries, and insecurity are unfounded.

But then again, if I was so sure about everything I'm sure I wouldn't be seeking opinions on DCUM at 2am...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No no no no. I married a guy just like your boyfriend. I have been in tears all day and I want to die right now. We have been together 15 years and it has only gotten worse. He isn't just belittling now, he's nasty and abusive. I hate my life. Please don't marry him.

Were there signs of this before you were engaged? Did you believe things would just get better over time? Because that's the part where right now I feel naive especially as I read other people's feedback.

I think we would be great because we both have shared values and we come from similar family upbringing despite growing up in different states. As he got older though he has been less active in the religious aspect of his life, and having gone through that journey myself I feel like if he's meant to be led back into the church he will find his own way. I don't want to push him. That said, we have discussed that if we have children, we would want to raise them of the same faith we were raised as and send them to Christian schooling so long as it's affordable which might not be in this DMV area. I have issues with the idea of moving out of this area because all my friends and family are here and my work is here. My work is super important to me and he has a job where he can pick up and go anytime and still find relatively similar line of work. I am worried that if motherhood should happen there may be the expectation that the majority of parenting duties will fall upon me, but when we have brought that up in discussion, he tells me with great gusto that he wants to be a hands on parent and he would be willing and ready to get in on all the action and help whatever ways he can because it's our child, not my child. That really spoke to me and gave me the notion that he'd be a good co-parent and father so maybe my hesitations, worries, and insecurity are unfounded.

But then again, if I was so sure about everything I'm sure I wouldn't be seeking opinions on DCUM at 2am...

Yup, as a Christian, definitely the wrong place to seek advice. You need relationship counseling. Many churches offer this. Go by yourself at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No no no no. I married a guy just like your boyfriend. I have been in tears all day and I want to die right now. We have been together 15 years and it has only gotten worse. He isn't just belittling now, he's nasty and abusive. I hate my life. Please don't marry him.

Were there signs of this before you were engaged? Did you believe things would just get better over time? Because that's the part where right now I feel naive especially as I read other people's feedback.

I think we would be great because we both have shared values and we come from similar family upbringing despite growing up in different states. As he got older though he has been less active in the religious aspect of his life, and having gone through that journey myself I feel like if he's meant to be led back into the church he will find his own way. I don't want to push him. That said, we have discussed that if we have children, we would want to raise them of the same faith we were raised as and send them to Christian schooling so long as it's affordable which might not be in this DMV area. I have issues with the idea of moving out of this area because all my friends and family are here and my work is here. My work is super important to me and he has a job where he can pick up and go anytime and still find relatively similar line of work. I am worried that if motherhood should happen there may be the expectation that the majority of parenting duties will fall upon me, but when we have brought that up in discussion, he tells me with great gusto that he wants to be a hands on parent and he would be willing and ready to get in on all the action and help whatever ways he can because it's our child, not my child. That really spoke to me and gave me the notion that he'd be a good co-parent and father so maybe my hesitations, worries, and insecurity are unfounded.

But then again, if I was so sure about everything I'm sure I wouldn't be seeking opinions on DCUM at 2am...

Oh, God. Everything, EVERYTHING you are describing sounds like my thought process about him at age 22 when I was considering marrying him. He talked a good talk. In the end, what he wants is for me to do all the housework and childcare while bringing in a massive income and spending nothing. We have the kids in private school, but he is resentful of the impact on our finances. I got cancer and then a diagnosis of a serious genetic disorder which has left me unable to work full time and he resents that, too. I literally cannot do a lot of the housework he wants me to do (doctors orders) and he hates me for it. He criticizes everything I do but doesn't lift a finger to help with the burden ... Or if he does, he does it with a burning resentment because he "shouldn't have to" do that. He tells me routinely that I have ruined his life. He sees everything I do. through a prism of judgment. If I fail to get the dishes done one day because I'm sick, it's "because I don't care about him." If I make an impulse buy at the grocery store (I'm talking a magazine or a small vase of flowers or something else cheap that brings me happiness but he considers a waste of money), it's because I'm "out to destroy him." He berates me for being "negative" when I dare to talk about my feelings about having been diagnosed with a potentially fatal disorder. He belittles all that I care about but accuses me of not caring about him. It all started just like your relationship. Please run away. I wish I could but we have two kids and with my illness, I'm trapped now. Know this: if the worst ever happens, your boyfriend WILL NOT be there for you. I have never been so lonely. RUN, run away. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you wasting your time with this guy. Trust your instincts. Relationships get harder with kids. Why are you trying to convince yourself that he is worth your time? I don't get it...you don't sound compatible at all or happy. You wouldn't be posting here if you were happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you wasting your time with this guy. Trust your instincts. Relationships get harder with kids. Why are you trying to convince yourself that he is worth your time? I don't get it...you don't sound compatible at all or happy. You wouldn't be posting here if you were happy.

Sorry if I sound harsh, it's just that I've been there and I understand where you're coming from. I wasted a lot of time in bad relationships and when I met now-DH I had a revelation that relationships didn't always have to be that difficult. I always assumed that marriages/relationships involved some level of incompatibility, but now I realize I was trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Thank god I didn't get engaged to one of those guys be in sure I would have been in a bad marriage now. Thank god I met and married DH. Trying to let you know you don't have to settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he won't commit because you have already given him everything that he wants. Think about it, OP.

Not true about all men! I lived with a guy for 6 years, then we've been married for 20. OP, this is just one guy, while DC is full of men, good and bad. If he's breaking your heart, feel free to fix it and then find somebody else after you've recovered from the damage his doing.

You deserve happiness.

[Anonymous]

^^
sorry, damage "he's" doing!