So that Christmas that was ruined by dying parent....

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. At this time last year we were on a "let nature take its course" path with my mom after she developed a rare and fatal complication from chemo and radiation.

It sucked. There is really no way around it. DH pretty much picked up all Christmas slack. I don't think I stepped into the mall once because it was too fucking depressing to see all the holiday cheer. DH did all shopping. DH also returned the Christmas gifts I bought for my mom because he knew I wouldn't want to do it. We hired a housekeeper so we didn't have to worry about cleaning.

Then after the holidays were over, DH and I went away for 5 days so I could just get away from it all. It wasn't the most fun vacation I've ever had because I was grieving, but it was nice to have a disruption to the grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know what to do. My father was just given 2-4 wks after failing chemo. My mom died years ago so it has just been us and he is the only grandparent on my side my kids have known. I have spent weeks flying back and forth to take care of him but between my kids (3 teens), my job and my dad I am exhausted, depressed and scared.

Guess I am venting more than anything. My DH has been great but I do bite his head off a lot. I am stuck in that place between wanting him to go quickly just to get this over and the utter terror of that part of my life ending.

Teens are old enough to pitch in and help with the chores that go with Christmas. They can put up the tree and do cards and plan menus and put together lists for Christmas shopping for themselves and other siblings. You can have your husband supervise and implement their plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. At this time last year we were on a "let nature take its course" path with my mom after she developed a rare and fatal complication from chemo and radiation.

It sucked. There is really no way around it. DH pretty much picked up all Christmas slack. I don't think I stepped into the mall once because it was too fucking depressing to see all the holiday cheer. DH did all shopping. DH also returned the Christmas gifts I bought for my mom because he knew I wouldn't want to do it. We hired a housekeeper so we didn't have to worry about cleaning.

Then after the holidays were over, DH and I went away for 5 days so I could just get away from it all. It wasn't the most fun vacation I've ever had because I was grieving, but it was nice to have a disruption to the grief.

Sorry me again. Want to add. This holiday season has been difficult. But in some ways, it has been nice to start on some traditions that my mo had that I had stopped doing with my own kids. We have some holiday decorations from her that she took a lot of pride in putting up every year and I really enjoyed setting it up in my house this year and telling my 3 year old all about it. It's hard, it's really hard. But we will get through it and each year part of the holiday season will be about honoring my mom and her life.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I feel your pain. My father passed away 5 days before Thanksgiving this year. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. My dad died in mid-December years ago, and it felt like torture to try to "put on a happy face." One day, one step, one moment at a time - just do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. This was us last Christmas. I'm sure you know its going to be a hard few months. Ask a lot of questions and take a lot of pictures. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad's funeral was December 21, 2013. He was the last member of my immediate family, I was in grad school 600 miles away, and I had been driving back and forth overnight for months to be with him. I haven't celebrated a holiday since. I've been invited to things by extended family and close friends, but I can see when I walk in the door that every one has been informed of my circumstances and I'm there out of pity. Instead, I sleep in, make a nice big breakfast, do some things I enjoy without the interruption of my phone going off, and usually go out for dinner somewhere. It's not ideal I guess, but it's an adaptation that allows me to keep my sanity. You will have to adapt and figure out what holidays and special events will look like in your future, and make peace with whatever you decide.

I think you may be misinterpreting what you see. They know how hard this must be for you, and they are probably all worried that they are going to say or do the wrong thing and make things worse.

Don't go if your quiet day with a big breakfast works better for you, but don't assume you're there for any reason other than the fact that people like you and would like to see you.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother (mom's mom) died a couple weeks before Thanksgiving, and my mom had been caring for her for a really long time. She was understandably depressed. About a week before the holiday, my mom just up and said, "I am not doing Thanksgiving this year. If you all want to go out to dinner or something that's fine, but I'm not doing it." My mom did up Thanksgiving in a big way, so this was a big deal in our house. The next day my dad came home with tickets to the Lions game (we lived in the Detroit area). It actually ended up being super fun and it's one of my best childhood memories.

I relate that story just to say that if you want to "cancel Christmas", just DO IT. Do something completely different. Your family will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses but I'm just flummoxed at the "ruining Christmas" thing. Isn't Christmas about love and family? It's not about gifts or material things. Your father's passing is terribly sad, I understand, and Christmas will not be joyful. But it won't be ruined. You will think about your father all this time, and help ease him out of his suffering.

[Anonymous]

Op, these are teens, they can create their own holiday - and what you're doing is reenforcing what true compassion is. This is real life, this is it. It's right in front of you, it's right in front of them - the meaning of the season. And Op, your Dad loves you and wants the best for you. He does not wish for you to be exhausted and filled with despair - so there is no such thing as not-doing-enough.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. A dear family friend, my best friend's mother, passed away on Christmas day. It's oddly been a day that has been healing for them in many ways in the years since. Love to you and yours

[Anonymous]

I'm sending hugs to a bunch of you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Can you take FMLA or a leave of absence from your job to take care of him?