Brother cut me off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here : I think he would know the last thing I want to do is add drama to my life. But he may just not believe me, or think it wasnt a big enough deal to mention. But he wasn't in my shoes and unfortunately however minor I was feeling very protective of my kids. There was no going bk - only telling the truth. Thankfully, my parents were able to keep the relationship going with me.

Is there a history of other events you aren't telling us? Have there been other instances where you've really disagreed about the handling of things? Maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back? Just trying to figure out if there is a longer history of discord here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I'm not asking him to come to terms, make peace or do anything other than have the decency to respond to texts saying why the silence, I love you, hope you're well etc. he could say I need time, I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk. I feel its unnecessarily hostile. And as thinking I'm escalating things by just taking him off Facebook? He's cut me off completely.

You are expecting him to handle this they way you want him to and not respecting his need to deal with it in his own time. He may need time to process--alone--and you are expecting only your needs to be met an not his. Give him space without creating more drama by the childish act of "defriending" him.

Exactly this.

My own 2 cents as a DCUM poster you and your brother are both misplacing your anger directing it at each other "safe" targets instead of the deserving parent or parents.

I also agree with the other poster that this is likely just one in many instances, but this was just the proverbial straw.

I understand why OP is hurt, but I also understand her brothers response I don't think either of them are wrong or terrible people.

[Anonymous]

There is something here that I don't quite get. You told your parents about something inappropriate happened many years ago. Why did you include your brother in the discussion? What was your parents reaction? And now, you and your parents relationship is OKAY ? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I told my brother about the incident at the same time I told them because he is the closest person to them, because he lives in the same town (I'm hours away) and he'd find out anyway. If they didn't tell him he'd pry it out of them eventually. And it was a big thing to say so I didn't want to keep it from him.

Okay this is what confuses me- you at 45 years old who lives hours away from her parents thought it was important to confront your parents who are in their 80's, in front of your adult brother, with something that happened when you were a child? You say it was to protect your children but you already live hours away from your parents so it sounds like you are already protecting them. Not sure exactly what the point of the confrontation was except to clear your conscience (which is a valid reason just maybe not in front of your brother).

[Anonymous]

I wonder if it was OP's brother who is guilty of the "inappropriate" act. Otherwise, why would he cut her off? You are a real piece of work, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have experiences similar to yours. Stuff happened in my family that was inappropriate. In my case it involved my brother and my father. I understand why you felt the need to talk about this openly and to just get the truth of your experience out there with your parents. Definitely having kids myself makes me aware of how NOT normal things were in my family, and when a person realizes that, I do not think it's creating drama to try to talk about that. It sounds like you talked about this with your parents and you all are moving forward. I haven't talked with my parents for various reasons, but I did talk to my brother, who had a not-great reaction--though not as extreme as yours.

I can't know what is going on with your brother. But in my case, when I talked to my brother about my memory of the inappropriate things and how they had affected me, what bothered him most, it seems to me, was my insistence that really we had been poorly parented and that what happened was in fact abusive. He had this kind of fantasy that we were a happy family and that, sure, we may have had problems, but really everything was just fine between us all. My saying that no, not-normal things had happened to me, and that they had really affected me, was hard for him to deal with because, for all these decades, he had not thought that way at all. I think he actively did not think about it. It was like I was presenting a different reality and he did not want to accept it. His reaction was that it all happened so long ago, what did it matter. But my reaction was, well, it DID matter, it had a huge effect on me, and affected my ability to trust and be intimate with my own family now. This is not what he wanted to hear. He wanted to go on with the sort of Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil mindset.

It may be that your brother is feeling similarly, that he is avoiding you because you are reminding him of things that he would rather not think about, and forcing him to re-evaluate events of the past that probably had an effect on him as well. He may not want to know what those effects were. Some people just don't want to know. Denial is really very powerful and is the usual MO in families that tolerate inappropriate boundary violations.

Have you asked your brother, "Hey, are you cutting me off? What's up with you?" Have you tried calling him on the phone? I would not ask your parents to intervene. It's better to be direct and honest, as you were with your parents.

Anyway, I congratulate you on bringing this up. I can imagine how hard it was. I don't think you are creating drama. It sounds to me like you are just trying to communicate honestly and, you know, unfortunately some families are not such big fans of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I'm not asking him to come to terms, make peace or do anything other than have the decency to respond to texts saying why the silence, I love you, hope you're well etc. he could say I need time, I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk. I feel its unnecessarily hostile. And as thinking I'm escalating things by just taking him off Facebook? He's cut me off completely.

You are expecting him to handle this they way you want him to and not respecting his need to deal with it in his own time. He may need time to process--alone--and you are expecting only your needs to be met an not his. Give him space without creating more drama by the childish act of "defriending" him.

Exactly this.

My own 2 cents as a DCUM poster you and your brother are both misplacing your anger directing it at each other "safe" targets instead of the deserving parent or parents.

I also agree with the other poster that this is likely just one in many instances, but this was just the proverbial straw.

I understand why OP is hurt, but I also understand her brothers response I don't think either of them are wrong or terrible people.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your brother is doing/did the same offensive behavior (to someone else) as committed by your parent to you?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Maybe he wants to ignore everything?

[Anonymous]

I saw this great quote today.

Love is the bridge over which the truth can cross.


If your brother can't hear the truth (or handle it) he's not ready.
He may not be using his heart (thinking of the impact the event had on you, or how you can put your kids's safety above the egos of others).
Your parents have coped with it and your brother may need more time to come around or to put this in perspective.

It is possible he won't see this the same way as you, but it doesn't mean you are "cut off" forever. It means that in this scene of the play of your life, you two are not the stage at the same time.
There is always a second act and the storyline could change.

I think your instinct to break a cycle for the your kids is right on.
He's not their protector (that's your job) so his perspective is based on his role and it isn't sitting well.
He could also have a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING going on that has nothing to do with any of this. He could do a LOT Of things, but he didn't. Brothers are sometimes like 10-year old boys, so words are not the medium.

Focus on your kids. Do what you feel is right express your love towards your brother. Don't worry about the return on investment there. He's not a boyfriend. It isn't your job to raise him. It is silence. Maybe he's choosing that over an INAPPROPRIATE response. You can't do anything about that.

[Anonymous]

We are all assuming the worst by what OP means by inappropriate.

For all we know her inappropriate could mean her parent stuck a bar of soap in her mouth for cursing once.

If it's along those lines and you were my sister I'd think you were nuts and not speak to you as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you love your brother, maybe you love him in actions. And part of loving him is giving him the space to deal with this how he needs to deal with it -- NOT rejecting him. And yes, you did reject him. You dropped a BOMB on him and then you made it all about you when he is clearly upset by this information.

The loving thing to do is just give him space. Even if he wasn't able to ask for it, or is too mad at you to ask for it, or is too upset to ask for it, or doesn't even know what he needs yet.

Defriending him was so petty and so unnecessary. You seem to be completely ignoring the PP's who pointed out that you have had decades to deal with the information that you (seemingly inexplicably) dropped on him. He is probably in shock. There are a million ways to speculate what he might be thinking but none of them are productive. All you know is that he has gone silent.

The loving thing would be to send him a letter or something saying, "I don't know what is going on with you but I love you and hope you will reach out to me when you are ready. I miss you and hope you are okay."