DH comment to me after visiting inlaws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If any of my DILs tell me off, they will never be welcomed in my house again.

It's not about you here, it is in fact about the DIL.

[Anonymous]

np. DH and and I know that we can't stand each others' parents. This knowledge informs each visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bit condescending, though, isn't it? If instead he had said, "I appreciate all you did at my parents," that would have worked better. This sounds like he thinks he has all the power in the relationship and is complimenting you as one would a puppy, etc.

Do you really make your spouse jump through hoops to do things exactly your way? The point is that OP made the effort to be polite and kind to her mother-in-law. Her husband, who is stuck in the unenviable middieman position between a spouse and parent who don't get along, appreciated that she made the effort and succeeded in getting along with his mother for the day/weekend and also made the effort to recognize the effort. He showed appreciation. A good spouse would be gracious about it and smile, say thanks or otherwise show acknowledgment and/or appreciation (whichever is appropriate) for the comment.

Marriage is a 2-way street and both parties have to work to keep it fresh and positive for the long run. If you want to have a long-lasting marriage make it a habit to appreciate the efforts that your partner makes, show appreciation and gratitude and made the effort to do the small things that they will appreciate. People do this a lot when they are dating and then once they marry many forget the little things that help pave the way to a good relationship. If you have this smooth relationship, when you hit major hurdles, bumps, arguments, etc, you'll be in a more receptive mood to compromise or solve problems without a lot of baggage and history getting in the way.

He made the effort to show appreciation. She should at least acknowledge it and accept it for the good gesture it was, no matter how clumsy the attempt or the wording.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If any of my DILs tell me off, they will never be welcomed in my house again.

What if you genuinely deserved it? The MIL-DIL relationship is a long-term one. Wouldn't you rather clear the air and fix the underlying problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bit condescending, though, isn't it? If instead he had said, "I appreciate all you did at my parents," that would have worked better. This sounds like he thinks he has all the power in the relationship and is complimenting you as one would a puppy, etc.

Do you really make your spouse jump through hoops to do things exactly your way? The point is that OP made the effort to be polite and kind to her mother-in-law. Her husband, who is stuck in the unenviable middieman position between a spouse and parent who don't get along, appreciated that she made the effort and succeeded in getting along with his mother for the day/weekend and also made the effort to recognize the effort. He showed appreciation. A good spouse would be gracious about it and smile, say thanks or otherwise show acknowledgment and/or appreciation (whichever is appropriate) for the comment.

Marriage is a 2-way street and both parties have to work to keep it fresh and positive for the long run. If you want to have a long-lasting marriage make it a habit to appreciate the efforts that your partner makes, show appreciation and gratitude and made the effort to do the small things that they will appreciate. People do this a lot when they are dating and then once they marry many forget the little things that help pave the way to a good relationship. If you have this smooth relationship, when you hit major hurdles, bumps, arguments, etc, you'll be in a more receptive mood to compromise or solve problems without a lot of baggage and history getting in the way.

He made the effort to show appreciation. She should at least acknowledge it and accept it for the good gesture it was, no matter how clumsy the attempt or the wording.

I never said she shouldn't acknowledge it or appreciate the effort. It is, to me, an attempt at thanks that is slightly off and may be indicative of another problem in the relationship. Accept it for what it is, sure, but I would not give this guy an award, exactly. I've been happily married fifteen years now and not everything is worth "having a talk," but you can't ignore big issues either because they just fester. If MIL treats OP like crap and DH doesn't stand up for her, leaving OP to do it herself, and OP managed to keep control this time with no help from DH, the appropriate response is not "good job." That won't keep this marriage together in the long term. They may not have this problem, but if they do, ignoring it isn't the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was just recognizing that it's difficult for you to be there. I think he meant it as a compliment.

Couldn't have said it any better. OP, your DH sounds like a great man who appreciates that you place yourself in an uncomfortable situation knowing how much you dislike it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If any of my DILs tell me off, they will never be welcomed in my house again.

It's not about you here, it is in fact about the DIL.

Go away, MIL. That is not what this thread is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he was just recognizing that it's difficult for you to be there. I think he meant it as a compliment.

Yup, and that he appreciated you making the effort to get along with his mother for the day.

+1

He's grateful. I have had my DH say similar things to me. It has been a long road.

To me, it sounds as though he notices when his parents are being irritating and is giving you credit for powering through. I'd much prefer that to someone who doesn't see what the problem is.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP here. I talked to DH about it and he was in fact saying (in his words): "On a scale of 1 to 10 for being a pain in the ass, my Mother is a 10. So thank you for putting up with her." So all of you are right. MIL causes problems in our marriage so I am overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to DH about it and he was in fact saying (in his words): "On a scale of 1 to 10 for being a pain in the ass, my Mother is a 10. So thank you for putting up with her." So all of you are right. MIL causes problems in our marriage so I am overly sensitive.

You are so lucky your DH is aware of the problem, so many are blind, and good for you for letting your love for your husband outweigh your annoyance with a neurotic MIL.

[Anonymous]

FFS, just ask, "What did you mean by that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FFS, just ask, "What did you mean by that?"

OP here. I know but sometimes talking about anything relating to his family escalates into a fight so I was trying to get an objective view before talking to him. The comments helped me. His approach to his mother is to just do what she says and keep his mouth shut to keep the peace and because he says she will never change. It is not a good situation. He wants me to do what my SIL does which is to pretty much ignore and avoid her but I hate how much control she has over all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to DH about it and he was in fact saying (in his words): "On a scale of 1 to 10 for being a pain in the ass, my Mother is a 10. So thank you for putting up with her." So all of you are right. MIL causes problems in our marriage so I am overly sensitive.

Wow OP. I hope you realize you got a good one.

[Anonymous]

Its great being a husband. Just sayin'.