Long hours at work and father of two young kids DH hangs out with his friends too frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't YOU going out with your friends? That's healthy and necessary and would greatly reduce your bitterness.

If she's like most of my female friends who got married, they'd rather be with their husbands 24/7. OP sounds like this, she's rather have her husband all to herself and the kids than let him have a moment of free time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is avoiding fatherhood. Could be anxiety and uses drink to numb it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a female and I don't think either of you is being reasonable. You knew when you married him that he likes his time spent with his close friends. He needs his downtime, and for him, that happens to be drinking with his buddies for a few hours.

Yes you have young children now, but that's not an excuse for you to be this controlling or to tell him he's not allowed to have a life. He made a concession to reduce his outings from 4x a week to "2-3x a week."

You're annoyed he went out for 3 hours 6 day after you gave birth. Wtf.

What exactly is the issue?
Are you annoyed that he goes out so much that YOU don't have the time to see your friends?
Or he goes out so much that you don't believe that he does his fair share of work?
Or are you really that much of a bitch?

Maybe the solution is to hire a babysitter several times a week so you both get some breathing time.

I agree with this (except the part about you being a bitch).

2-3x/week out with friends without your kids in tow is a LOT for a parent of young kids. Once a week, sure. But this is extreme. It's not about him not being allowed to have a life, it's that with both people working and having two small kids, there isn't that much free time for either of them combined, let alone just one.

Of course hanging out doing adult things is ideal, but we can't always get everything we want. So if he wants more time with his buddies he should get them to meet him for bagels and coffee at the playground on Sat mornings. Or at The Diner (or equivalent) - I swear I used to be the only Mom in sight when we'd go on weekend mornings.

Free time is the most precious resource around for parents of young children, and I'd bet good money that actual or perceived disparity in the distribution of free time is the #1 source of resentment in most marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like the drinking might be an issue, especially since you felt the need up front to say you "don't prevent him from drinking at home." Was that just to say that the drinking isn't an issue? Or is it an issue for you but you don't say anything about it?

I think it's irrelevant whether one or both of you are introverts. I'd frame it as an issue of free time. Do you and he get equal amounts of free time, doing whatever you wish? Do all of you get adequate family time together? (This is less relevant now with a newborn, but it will be more of an issue later.) Does he schedule his time with friends to make it more convenient for you? (E.g. if they're going to be out late drinking, he could put the preschooler to bed first.)

This. I have friends that I like to see but I limit it to once a week, my DH gets equal time, and when the kids were young I tried not to meet before 7:30pm so I could help put the kids to bed and not create extra work for my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't YOU going out with your friends? That's healthy and necessary and would greatly reduce your bitterness.

I agree. Men can handle their owns kids. You need to have a girls night out at least 2-3 a month. Make it happen. Or get a babysitter so you both can go out on the same night but separate events. If this behavior continues you will end up divorced.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is trying to escape you and the kids. From the tone of your post, you project your frustrations that are totally valid. By being angry at him, you push him away further. Or he is gay. Both don't sound good.

I hope you had help when he went out with his friends. I can't imagine being left alone with 2 kids a week after major surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon. He's going out 2-3 times a week for several drinks while she is home with a newborn and a toddler???? On top of working 55-60 hours a week? In what world is this okay? I agree wholeheartedly that people need time to themselves, see friends, etc, but it should be all hands on deck when you have a new baby in the house.

If you can't have a reasonable discussion around roles and responsibilties, then perhaps couples counseling is in order. I agree that the issue of his drinking should at least be explored (and I say this as a regular and sometimes heavy drinker).

From the sounds of it, he's out 2-3x a week since the birth of the first child. He went out once in 1 week for 4.5 hours after the birth of the second child, who was born "a few weeks ago." No mention of other outings.

In my world this is okay. Everyone, no matter who they are, deserves some down time. What if it's a hobby he likes to do 2-3x a week? Or going to the gym? Or reading? For crissake, the man works 55-60 hours a week, likely to support the lifestyle OP wants.

I said that everyone deserves down time. Obviously it's not a one-time thing since she's posting here and says it's ongoing. She says she works full-time, too. I don't understand people who have demanding jobs and then insist that they need hours and hours a week to themselves to decompress drinking with high school buddies while their spouses struggle alone with two small children.

I guess that's what you did, though, so it makes sense to you.

Nope, I'm a female. My husband is with me 90% of the time. We both give our all in the relationship, including splitting up chores. We both have our own friends, that we hang out with separately and together. And we have our own hobbies that we pursue separately.

OP sounds like a spoiled brat. Her husband works 55-60 hours a week. She works 40 hours a week, but she's complaining that she does more house work or child care. In my opinion, she should - simply because she has more time. If she can't handle it, then they should pay for outside help. The solution isn't to be a controlling bitch and tell your husband he can't have any down time with his friends.

[Anonymous]

She has a newborn plus toddler. This is not the time to go drinking with buddies. Is he taking night feedings? Where is toddler during day? Are you breastfeeding? When we had newborns, DH was home as soon as possible to give me a break.

[Anonymous]

As a husband and a new father, he needs to re-arrange his priorities OP.

Sure we all would love to be able to leave the house and hang out with our buddies on a weekly basis.

But once you have young children, you must give up that option for a few yrs. Everyone knows this.

Why does a woman's life have to change socially, but not a man's...?? It just isn't fair is it??

You need to talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to prioritize his family FIRST. Yes, he can continue having a social life, however it simply isn't fair for you to sit home with the kids while he is out drinking a few nights a week.

He chose to get married. He chose to become a parent. So now he needs to live with the choices he made and attend to his responsibilities.

If he continues going out and drinking, perhaps you can suggest he invite those same buddies over to your home instead. They can all sit in a man cave and drink and talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's healthy to have (non sexual) relationships with the same sex even if you're married. It's not so much as they "come first" as it's they are a just a different kind of relationship.

This. I don't understand why people (usually women) feel the need to stifle or eliminate their spouse's friendships outside of the marriage. I isn't as if he is hanging out 3-4 times a week. Do you ever get together with your girlfriends? If not, you should.

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I think it's healthy to have (non sexual) relationships with the same sex even if you're married. It's not so much as they "come first" as it's they are a just a different kind of relationship.
This. I don't understand why people (usually women) feel the need to stifle or eliminate their spouse's friendships outside of the marriage. I isn't as if he is hanging out 3-4 times a week. Do you ever get together with your girlfriends? If not, you should.


BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME!!!!!!

actually, he is hanging out 3 times a week, or was with the first kid. And rally, I think its the husband who is focused only on "ME ME ME." His needs to work and then go out trumps everything else. He goes out 6 days after wife came home after c section; at that point i was not supposed to really go up stairs, much less care for baby and toddler. He is the father of a young kid and goes out 2 or 3 nights a week drinking?! OP says she hadn't seen her own friends for 3 months plus. Yes, its healthy for both people in a marriage to have friendships outside of marriage and to have time alone but if you have young kids, going drinking with a buddy 2 or 3 times a week (which is a compromise, it used to be 4, according to OP) is nuts. If he's working 55 hours a week, that means he is pretty much gone in the mornings and early evenings, or working weekend days, leaving him precious little time for the family, and he chooses to spend that drinking with one particular buddy. Why is everyone jumping on the OP? Her request that her husband actually participate in family life does not, to me, seem extreme.

[Anonymous]

For all these people jumping on OP - if her husband works 60 hours a week and goes out 3x/week with his friends, when IS her turn to go out too?

OP, the drinking you mentioned is a big red flag. Way more than anything else. Drinking 5 glasses of wine several times a week when he goes out (plus at home, it sounds like?) is a major drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's healthy to have (non sexual) relationships with the same sex even if you're married. It's not so much as they "come first" as it's they are a just a different kind of relationship.

This. I don't understand why people (usually women) feel the need to stifle or eliminate their spouse's friendships outside of the marriage. I isn't as if he is hanging out 3-4 times a week. Do you ever get together with your girlfriends? If not, you should.

Can you read? He IS hanging out with his friends 3x/week, AND drinking heavily.

[Anonymous]

OP don't listen to posts calling you names. I do not know a single person with kids--much less a toddler and newborn--whose husband goes out 2-3 times a week with friends. that's something that people without kids do. he chose to have a family and he should be doing things with his family. the friend sounds like a problem and a third person in your relationship. Most people I know with kids have a date night as a couple 1-4 times a month, and do something alone with friends maybe once a month. that's just the reality with young kids - and its how it should be in my opinion. he should be wanting to do things with his family and wife, and making family memories - not hanging out with his buddy all the time as if he was still 25.

[Anonymous]

Yes tibabove.?wevhsve date night once or twice a month. Between gym and work events we are away from kids enough and see friends without spouses maybe once a month, though we try to see friends with our kids too.tjats normal among our group.and no one drinks much during the week.