Long hours at work and father of two young kids DH hangs out with his friends too frequently.

[Anonymous]

I would have a real problem with your husband's behavior. I would have a conversation about having equal amounts of free time each week. Have you tried that before?

[Anonymous]

Why aren't YOU going out with your friends? That's healthy and necessary and would greatly reduce your bitterness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I also wondered whether he is having a fling with the (male) friend. Sexuality is rarely as cut and dried as we sometimes think it is.

But let's say for arguments sake that all he is doing is hanging out with friends and drinking a normal, healthy amount. Even if that is the case, it comes down to the fact that clearly the two of you are not on the same page about how the division of free time versus family time versus individual time versus extended family time versus couple time, etc. should layout.

I think you need to start by defining your terms. What counts as couple time? Doing the weekly grocery shopping together with no kids? Or only sitting down to low white linen tablecloth dinner? And what constitutes family time? Does it have to be a special outing to the zoo, or does family dinner on a weeknight count? And then you need to define together what your goals are for those categories.

In our family, we try to make sure that one time per week, for at least one hour, each child gets one on one time with each parent, the parents get one on one time together, and we all as a family spend at least 1 hour together at least 4 times per week. Because we had shared definitions of what constitutes family time, etc. and because we have shared goals that we have committed to about how much time and how frequently we want to spend in those different iterations of togetherness, when one of us feels that things are getting off kilter, we can go back to those goals and see if they are being met.

It sounds like in your family, it may simply be that your spouse doesn't feel the need for as much family time or couple time as you seem to. If that is the case, you need to have a discussion about that and agree to some sort of compromise in theory rather than getting bogged down in the nitty-gritty of what he is doing instead. Get him to commit to an amount of family time couple time and one-on-one time with each kid that the both of you agree is a target, then figure out how much time you are willing to commit to extended family each week, and then you can talk through the lid just sticks of who handles kids on which night. If you are envisioning doing the kids bedtime routine together being the default, and he is envisioning one or the other of you tackling it most nights with the alternate parent free to do something just for them, then you are not on the same page and you need to figure that out before you can address the issue of what he is doing instead of being with the kids.

Re: the bold. This has to be the best autocorrect I've seen all day. Ha.

OP: You BOTH need time with friends. And together. And alone. Start there without badgering him about his friendships.

[Anonymous]

What do he and his friends do when they go out together?

I think it sounds like he is trying to balance a lot of competing priorities. If I was in your position, my concerns, in order of importance, would be:

1. Division of labor between you two on kid and house stuff
2. Social activities together - either with your nuclear family, with his family of origin, or with mutual friends

[Anonymous]

I agree that he spends too much time with his friends and needs to be there more for you and the kids.

Can you suggest he go out AFTER the kids are in bed? Or, can his friends come over (again - after the kids are in bed)?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's gay. I know two married women whose husbands' bros were more than just friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female and I don't think either of you is being reasonable. You knew when you married him that he likes his time spent with his close friends. He needs his downtime, and for him, that happens to be drinking with his buddies for a few hours.

Yes you have young children now, but that's not an excuse for you to be this controlling or to tell him he's not allowed to have a life. He made a concession to reduce his outings from 4x a week to "2-3x a week."

You're annoyed he went out for 3 hours 6 day after you gave birth. Wtf.

What exactly is the issue?
Are you annoyed that he goes out so much that YOU don't have the time to see your friends?
Or he goes out so much that you don't believe that he does his fair share of work?
Or are you really that much of a bitch?

Maybe the solution is to hire a babysitter several times a week so you both get some breathing time.

hahahahahahahahaha

Wow. Nice trolling there. Or else you don't have kids or have never had a c-section. My word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female and I don't think either of you is being reasonable. You knew when you married him that he likes his time spent with his close friends. He needs his downtime, and for him, that happens to be drinking with his buddies for a few hours.

Yes you have young children now, but that's not an excuse for you to be this controlling or to tell him he's not allowed to have a life. He made a concession to reduce his outings from 4x a week to "2-3x a week."

You're annoyed he went out for 3 hours 6 day after you gave birth. Wtf.

What exactly is the issue?
Are you annoyed that he goes out so much that YOU don't have the time to see your friends?
Or he goes out so much that you don't believe that he does his fair share of work?
Or are you really that much of a bitch?

Maybe the solution is to hire a babysitter several times a week so you both get some breathing time.

hahahahahahahahaha

Wow. Nice trolling there. Or else you don't have kids or have never had a c-section. My word.

I had a c-section and I don't think that is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't YOU going out with your friends? That's healthy and necessary and would greatly reduce your bitterness.

+1

I think this is good advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would recommend that you have your DH pay for some extra babysitting on the nights when he goes out, and treat yourself to something you enjoy: be it reading a book in a coffee shop, an evening pedicure, hanging out with friends, or a date night for you two. I am like your DH and need to "get out" and would be batty not going out a few times a week. People have different needs. I would not discount the gay theory either, if you think your sex life is non-existent. iF you have a healthy sex life, I would guess your DH is not gay though......

[Anonymous]

I would strongly recommend talking and considering scheduling in free time to do with as you and/or your husband please.

My husband and I have a sort of "married shared custody" arrangement (yes, we're perfectly solid as a couple, and no, we're not on the brink of separation or anything). Which is to say one day a week AND sometimes also for half a day on the weekend, we give each other time off from the family to do whatever the heck the other person wants. Come home late, go to a ladies' night, watch a ball game with buddies, whatever. (We usually choose exercise and a movie, yes, even alone).

Anyway, it's freeing in the sense that you know you're going to be able to take a few hours away from the house and the demands of the family just to enjoy something that no one else does.

It keeps us both sane.

And we're both introverts.

[Anonymous]

C'mon. He's going out 2-3 times a week for several drinks while she is home with a newborn and a toddler???? On top of working 55-60 hours a week? In what world is this okay? I agree wholeheartedly that people need time to themselves, see friends, etc, but it should be all hands on deck when you have a new baby in the house.

If you can't have a reasonable discussion around roles and responsibilties, then perhaps couples counseling is in order. I agree that the issue of his drinking should at least be explored (and I say this as a regular and sometimes heavy drinker).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C'mon. He's going out 2-3 times a week for several drinks while she is home with a newborn and a toddler???? On top of working 55-60 hours a week? In what world is this okay? I agree wholeheartedly that people need time to themselves, see friends, etc, but it should be all hands on deck when you have a new baby in the house.

If you can't have a reasonable discussion around roles and responsibilties, then perhaps couples counseling is in order. I agree that the issue of his drinking should at least be explored (and I say this as a regular and sometimes heavy drinker).

From the sounds of it, he's out 2-3x a week since the birth of the first child. He went out once in 1 week for 4.5 hours after the birth of the second child, who was born "a few weeks ago." No mention of other outings.

In my world this is okay. Everyone, no matter who they are, deserves some down time. What if it's a hobby he likes to do 2-3x a week? Or going to the gym? Or reading? For crissake, the man works 55-60 hours a week, likely to support the lifestyle OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon. He's going out 2-3 times a week for several drinks while she is home with a newborn and a toddler???? On top of working 55-60 hours a week? In what world is this okay? I agree wholeheartedly that people need time to themselves, see friends, etc, but it should be all hands on deck when you have a new baby in the house.

If you can't have a reasonable discussion around roles and responsibilties, then perhaps couples counseling is in order. I agree that the issue of his drinking should at least be explored (and I say this as a regular and sometimes heavy drinker).

From the sounds of it, he's out 2-3x a week since the birth of the first child. He went out once in 1 week for 4.5 hours after the birth of the second child, who was born "a few weeks ago." No mention of other outings.

In my world this is okay. Everyone, no matter who they are, deserves some down time. What if it's a hobby he likes to do 2-3x a week? Or going to the gym? Or reading? For crissake, the man works 55-60 hours a week, likely to support the lifestyle OP wants.

I said that everyone deserves down time. Obviously it's not a one-time thing since she's posting here and says it's ongoing. She says she works full-time, too. I don't understand people who have demanding jobs and then insist that they need hours and hours a week to themselves to decompress drinking with high school buddies while their spouses struggle alone with two small children.

I guess that's what you did, though, so it makes sense to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a female and I don't think either of you is being reasonable. You knew when you married him that he likes his time spent with his close friends. He needs his downtime, and for him, that happens to be drinking with his buddies for a few hours.

Yes you have young children now, but that's not an excuse for you to be this controlling or to tell him he's not allowed to have a life. He made a concession to reduce his outings from 4x a week to "2-3x a week."

You're annoyed he went out for 3 hours 6 day after you gave birth. Wtf.

What exactly is the issue?
Are you annoyed that he goes out so much that YOU don't have the time to see your friends?
Or he goes out so much that you don't believe that he does his fair share of work?
Or are you really that much of a bitch?

Maybe the solution is to hire a babysitter several times a week so you both get some breathing time.

I agree with this (except the part about you being a bitch).

2-3x/week out with friends is a LOT for a parent of young kids. Once a week, sure. But this is extreme. It's not about him not being allowed to have a life, it's that with both people working and having two small kids, there isn't that much free time for either of them combined, let alone just one.