Child is sick, don't want parents to know

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. If your mother starts to go toward the crazy side from the lack of contact, you say, "Mom, I love you but I cannot be your rock right now."

[Anonymous]

My mom's a worrier and I get it, but I don't think it's good for you to hide it as I think it's going to cause you more anxiety trying to hide.

I like some of the suggestions you've received.

I hope it all works out okay!

[Anonymous]

Just echoing everyone else here in supporting you setting whatever boundaries will allow you to be the best version of yourself for your daughter. Nothing is more important.

If you think about this in terms of what is best for your daughter (which is you being able to fully focus on her) then it may make it easier to put up whatever walls are necessary with your mother.

I will keep your daughter (and you) in my thoughts. Do not hesitate to get your daughter to a good children's hospital if you have the slightest concern about the care you are getting. Find a big research university and get there. Use any contacts you know to make a connection.

I will wish for the most benign possible scenario for you.

[Anonymous]

Put a large bandaid on the biopsy scar so that at least your mother won't see the stiches.

[Anonymous]

Hi I get it and I know your mom lie.(figuratively) She won't be able to controll her self and she knows no bondaures. So lie! Tell her it was an play ground accident. But it has to be convincing. So you call her the day of the biopsy afterward and tell her what a horrible day you just got back from the ER DD had a freak playground accident and you had to rush her to the ER. She has stiches. On her neck. Say it happened on the slide and you think something with her hood got caught. So freaky and weird. Anyhow that's what I would do. Have a good backstory. It will also force you not to talk about it and enjoy the holiday My prayers are with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am thinking of you and your daughter and wishing you both a good outcome. What would cause you the least amount of stress right now: telling your mother or creating a cover story? You have enough going on without your mother creating additional stress for you - it is okay to protect yourself with a story if that is what is best for you right now.

[Anonymous]

cancel trip - tell her have to do biopsy and not up to it this year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're not going to be able to hide it in person over Thanksgiving, I would tell her now. Tell her very simply and directly what's going on, and then immediately tell her that you know it's scary and upsetting news, but that you need her to be there for you. You'll be taking care of your daughter and yourself, and right now what you both need is for those around you to be positive and supportive. Then I'd give her no more than one reminder between now and Thanksgiving (although it's up to you if you want to give any at all) -- if she starts with the pessimism, "Mom, I know you're anxious and upset, but hashing over the worst-case scenarios is too upsetting and makes this a lot harder for me, and I need you to stop." If she still can't stop, cancel the trip for Thanksgiving. You can't be a good support for your daughter if you're too upset about your mother's reaction.

I think you should do whichever you think will be least stressful for you, in terms of going for Thanksgiving or cancelling. But in either case, I think you can say something along these lines above to your mother.

Is it possible that her constant contacting of you by text, Facebook and calls is because she thinks this needs to be checked and she doesn't know you are doing it, because (understandably) you haven't told her because she will make you more anxious with her gloom and doom? In other words, she may be badgering you because she thinks you aren't taking action and she thinks she can get you to do it, but you know that you already are.

If that's so, then would it help to tell her that you've taken your child to the doctor and they're doing tests (so she knows it's being addressed and can stop bugging you on that point), and that while you are waiting to hear back, you need her NOT to be contacting you for updates or questions or speculation? You could tell her something like the above writer suggested, that you understand she's anxious about it but you need her to talk to someone else about that, because it makes it harder for you and you don't need the speculation right now. You could say that when you know something you will let her know, but until then you don't want to talk about it and don't want her to text/FB/call you.

If you think she will ignore that and bother you anyway, then take whatever measures you need to in order to best protect your own peace of mind while you're in this very stressful situation. Whether that's not telling her what's going on until you have results and coming up with a reason for your child's bandage, or cancelling the trip, do what you need to for yourself and your child and your husband.

[Anonymous]

cancel. Do whatever is best for 1) the child 2) for you to care for the child. Screw mom, she is an adult.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I have a mother with extreme anxiety and a baby who just went through some major testing (e.g., echocardiograms, etc. ) at Children's Hospital. None of the tests left a mark, so I wasn't faced with your exact decision, but I did not tell my mother about the baby's condition or the tests. I needed all my energy for us and couldn't spare any to manage my mother's questions/worrying. I've been there, done that. I echo the PPs who say to do whatever is best for you and your child, whether that means canceling the trip and dealing with that fallout or going and wearing a turtleneck. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

My two year old would show off the "boo boo." Cancel or tell your mother.

[Anonymous]

Wishing the best for your DD. Sorry that you're going through this.

DH had a lymph node removed from his neck for biopsy and the barely visible scar is right at the front of his ear where the surgeon went in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I truly hope all will be well and I applaud your determination to seek out better care if treatment is needed. That's tough to have to do.

Regarding your mom, if you try to hide it and even if you succeed for a while -- if she then finds out accidentally (maybe DH lets something slip by accident, or you do, or your toddler pulls the Band-Aid off the "playground injury" and grandma sees stitches, etc.), then she is going to freak out much worse at your hiding things. She'll be convinced that you hid this because it's so shockingly horrid that you couldn't even bear to tell her so it must be the end of the entire world.

It might be preferable to, so to speak, rip off that Band-Aid all at once, tell her that tests are going on, and then very firmly tell her that calls and posts and discussion make it much worse, and that you will be willing to leave the room (or the phone conversation) if this comes up beyond, "Sally is fine today, no report from the doctor yet." I would be sure to offer her an occasional update on your own terms, to recognize that she does love your child and feels a strong stake in how DD is doing. But that means you tell your mom what you want her to know when you want her to know it (maybe say that once a week you'll give her an update and that's it). Tell her that peppering you with questions and calls will result in your not answering calls etc. -- you're too busy, and want her to be informed but don't need her to freak out or over-talk this daily with you, so you will commit to giving her YOUR once a week update.

Her intentions are good ones though she truly does need to ramp back the anxiety so that YOU don't absorb it all.

Maybe your DH, if he gets along with her OK, could be the weekly update person instead of you. But she needs to know that this doesn't mean she gets to go to pieces on him, or you, once a week. It means, "We do want you, as grandma, to know how things are going, but we're so swamped with doctor stuff etc. that we can't handle daily reports. Let us tell you each Friday what's up, because we know you love Child and we want you in the loop, but we need to set a time and day for that."

I don't quite get what she's posting on Facebook--is she just messaging you through it to ask about your child? Or is she posting stuff that's visible to anyone, not just you? I would worry that if she's in the loop she might decide to start posting updates so her own FB friends etc. can see what's going on with her grandchild. If you think that's possible you and DH would need to be clear that you want zero posts about this anywhere, even to her own friends, IF that's how you feel.

[Anonymous]

This is about more than just - put the kid in a turtleneck. WTF?! If they're flying in for 2-3 days, turtlenecks 24-7 including with PJs? And what 2 yr old doesn't pull down a turtleneck or talk about their boo boo or show off a bandaid or let slip that they had to go to the hospital and the drs were so nice/so mean??

Either be upfront with her. Or if you can't deal (and I don't blame you), cancel. Can't you make a legit cancelation excuse that isn't about your child? DH suddenly has to work that Friday? Or you didn't book flights and now they're sold out/too expensive? Or you've made some new friends in your new city who have some big event on Saturday and you want to be there to support them and flying to DC for 2 days isn't worth it? Or worse yet -- a last minute cancelation bc one of you is sick/and the dr says - don't fly?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I get it. Your mom will want you to be there for "her" emotionally, when you really need it the other way around. Can your husband talk to her about it first? Can he let her know you need support and not be put in the position of doing the supporting?