Did MIL cross the line and do we say something

[Anonymous]

And for God's sake, the underwear was clean. MIL was probably worried about mildew.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem loving and protective of your wife. As someone who never benefited from a spouse's concern, I find this particularly endearing.

As for the garbage disposal, that's NBD. Like, at all. She found some new thing to look out for and extended this knowledge to you guys. Not intrusive. NBD.

The laundry business is a step too far, however. Bringing by a bag of baking soda or lavender dryer sheets would have made the point. It's not like you guys are unaware of the situation. Sniffing clothes to monitor the effect of delaying the laundry process? Boundary-pushing, for sure. I think it's very sweet that you are bothered by the intrusion on DW. Again, it's part of that protective spirit I see in your post.

If their relationship is such that 1. MIL can speak openly about the intrusion, and 2. DW isn't at all bothered by the act or accompanying comments, I think you need to de-escalate your thinking here. Sure, a conversation needs to take place where you guys lay down the rules regarding what is and what is not appropriate (e.g. stay out of the bedroom). But, locking down your home isn't necessary, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And for God's sake, the underwear was clean. MIL was probably worried about mildew.

She probably should be worried about her own life. Like staying on her meds and maybe developing some friendships. Or a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not OP. Know that when I am a MIL, I won't snoop around my children's homes, criticize their home keeping habits, or sniffing their underwear. Because I am sane and respectful of individuality and boundaries.

No, but you may unknowingly cross their boundaries. Their boundaries will not necessarily be yours.

Safe to say that underwear Drawers are universally off limits.

[Anonymous]

Bizarre. I'd be mad.

[Anonymous]

She TOTALLY crossed the line. If she wanted to clean out the garbage disposal she should have just done it. You don't go into someone's house and point out their flaws to them.

And if you're sniffing another adult's underwear in a non-sexual way, you have issues. ISSUES.

[Anonymous]

I laughed reading this post. I could see my MIL doing this . She's very sweet lady and helpful in many ways, but zero sense when it comes to normal social behavior. DH and I often wonder if she is undiagnosed high functioning autism. Over the years there have been many blunders, but her heart was always in the right place.
Anyway, I completely understand you being upset and creeped out, but unless this is the tip of the iceberg of issues with her I would have DW talk to her and have an honest conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

Op - - You asked for a favor. Don't ask for favors from people who act weird.

[Anonymous]

I mostly agree with 10:58. Yes, MIL was pushing boundaries, and being overbearing and rude. But unless you both feel MIL was motivated by some intent to hurt you, let it go. I can totally imagine my (at times overbearing and pushy, but loving) mother doing something sort of similar. If your DW wants to talk to her mother about it, fine, but if not, just let it go and take the child to grandma's house for future babysitting as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

MIL crossed a line. You should take over laundry.

[Anonymous]

If you know your dw sucks at laundry, why don't you do all of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you seem loving and protective of your wife. As someone who never benefited from a spouse's concern, I find this particularly endearing.

As for the garbage disposal, that's NBD. Like, at all. She found some new thing to look out for and extended this knowledge to you guys. Not intrusive. NBD.

The laundry business is a step too far, however. Bringing by a bag of baking soda or lavender dryer sheets would have made the point. It's not like you guys are unaware of the situation. Sniffing clothes to monitor the effect of delaying the laundry process? Boundary-pushing, for sure. I think it's very sweet that you are bothered by the intrusion on DW. Again, it's part of that protective spirit I see in your post.

If their relationship is such that 1. MIL can speak openly about the intrusion, and 2. DW isn't at all bothered by the act or accompanying comments, I think you need to de-escalate your thinking here. Sure, a conversation needs to take place where you guys lay down the rules regarding what is and what is not appropriate (e.g. stay out of the bedroom). But, locking down your home isn't necessary, in my opinion.

I like this very calm and sensible post. OP, I hope you can heed this.

OP, one other thought: The fact that MIL admitted all this may mean she really does think she's being helpful and doesn't see how it's intrusive. The fact that she admitted to it -- told you, rather than your having to say, "Someone was in our room? What the..." means she doesn't see the problem. That could just mean a very annoying but well-meaning lack of boundaries; if that's the case, then your wife (not you, your wife--the adult child here) needs to tell mom right out, "Hey, you meant to help, I realize that. But we've got this covered, so please don't worry about the laundry again." And then lock your bedroom door or other doors you want locked when MIL's there. Maybe don't do the unsupervised babysitting any more.

Or, alternatively, if this is a change, even a subtle one, in MIL's behavior, you and DW should step back from being appalled and take a moment to consider if MIL might need some monitoring.

Our longtime friend's husband started doing things that were much like this, "helping" and being sure to tell the family about it, when the things he was doing should have been consulted about first, pushed boundaries, etc. It was the very, very early signs of what was later Alzheimer's. Not saying your MIL has that, or anything else. I think the key question is: Does your wife think that this stuff is unusual for your mom? If so, that could mean it's an early indicator of a problem. If your wife says, "Nah, she's been like this all her life, has always been in other people's stuff and feels it's OK and normal" -- then it's MIL's personality, and not an indicator. But it is worth thinking through whether this is kind of new behavior for MIL, and worth watching if it is.

[Anonymous]

Tell your wife that if she's left the clothes in the washer too long, run them though the rise cycle again with a cup of vinegar in the water before she puts them in the dryer. If your MIL can smell your wife's clothes, so can others.

Obviously going into your drawers was not okay.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is your wife's mother, is that right? Somehow I can't worry too much about a mother looking at her own daughter's underwear drawer, especially if something smells bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is your wife's mother, is that right? Somehow I can't worry too much about a mother looking at her own daughter's underwear drawer, especially if something smells bad.

We are talking about adults here, not children or adolescents. It is SO inappropriate.

Boundaries.