Reply to Did MIL cross the line and do we say something

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP, you seem loving and protective of your wife. As someone who never benefited from a spouse's concern, I find this particularly endearing.

As for the garbage disposal, that's NBD. Like, at all. She found some new thing to look out for and extended this knowledge to you guys. Not intrusive. NBD.

The laundry business is a step too far, however. Bringing by a bag of baking soda or lavender dryer sheets would have made the point. It's not like you guys are unaware of the situation. Sniffing clothes to monitor the effect of delaying the laundry process? Boundary-pushing, for sure. I think it's very sweet that you are bothered by the intrusion on DW. Again, it's part of that protective spirit I see in your post.

If their relationship is such that 1. MIL can speak openly about the intrusion, and 2. DW isn't at all bothered by the act or accompanying comments, I think you need to de-escalate your thinking here. Sure, a conversation needs to take place where you guys lay down the rules regarding what is and what is not appropriate (e.g. stay out of the bedroom). But, locking down your home isn't necessary, in my opinion.
[/quote]

I like this very calm and sensible post. OP, I hope you can heed this.

OP, one other thought: The fact that MIL admitted all this may mean she really does think she's being helpful and doesn't see how it's intrusive. The fact that she admitted to it -- told you, rather than your having to say, "Someone was in our room? What the..." means she doesn't see the problem. That could just mean a very annoying but well-meaning lack of boundaries; if that's the case, then your wife (not you, your wife--the adult child here) needs to tell mom right out, "Hey, you meant to help, I realize that. But we've got this covered, so please don't worry about the laundry again." And then lock your bedroom door or other doors you want locked when MIL's there. Maybe don't do the unsupervised babysitting any more.

Or, alternatively, if this is a change, even a subtle one, in MIL's behavior, you and DW should step back from being appalled and take a moment to consider if MIL might need some monitoring.

Our longtime friend's husband started doing things that were much like this, "helping" and being sure to tell the family about it, when the things he was doing should have been consulted about first, pushed boundaries, etc. It was the very, very early signs of what was later Alzheimer's. Not saying your  MIL has that, or anything else. I think the key question is: Does your wife think that this stuff is unusual for your mom? If so, that could mean it's an early indicator of a problem. If your wife says, "Nah, she's been like this all her life, has always been in other people's stuff and feels it's OK and normal" -- then it's MIL's personality, and not an indicator. But it is worth thinking through whether this is kind of new behavior for MIL, and worth watching if it is.[/quote]

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