Mom wants to get back together with abusive father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What really disturbs me and I can't understand is why my mom keeps putting herself in that position? I think she is flattered that my father still wants to get back with her after all these years (he has made that clear), but what I dont understand is why she would be interested in getting with someone who has physically hit her/abused her FOR YEARS? Maybe she is craving male attention but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I also resent it for my sake, because he has done messed up stuff to me, not to mention my siblings.

My mom talks a great game, seeming very enlightened about the havoc he caused for all of us and how dysfunctional it was. But at the end of the day, she seems to turn into a little schoolgirl when he makes these overtures. It's gross.

I don't mean this in an unkind way so please don't take it that way. You need to stop trying to understand the reasons for her behavior. You just do. You'll drive yourself apeshit trying to rationalize something that isn't rational. As a PP said, you need to focus more on her reactions to the boundaries you establish. Not being around him, not listening to her conversations with him, not getting any news about him, etc. are all very healthy boundaries.

I totally get where you're coming from. My experience is similar except my mother would never have divorced my father (he died when I was 20 - best thing that EVER happened to me). I can't believe how she'll talk nostalgically about my childhood. It was a fucking nightmare! Brutal, horrific, astounding! No kid should have to go through what we went through and she's talking like he was Ward Cleaver. WTF?!

Plus one. Except my mom was the abused and the abuser. Dad abused her, she abused me. (Physically and emotionally). Now she acts and talks a good game about our incredible relationship. (She is not abusive any more)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

So, have you at least learned something about what it means to be a "feminist"? It basically means that anything can be justified, no matter how irrational, if the proponent is female. The proof being your own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

This! I needed this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

I didn't say you should read the book to enable your mom to continue abusive relationships; I meant that you need to understand what your mother is up against and try to help her avoid such relationships.

The thing is, I have always done that and I dont think it's healthy for me. At this point, she has read that book, been in years of therapy, and she is still doing this. It's so unbelievably stressful for me to worry about her in that way and part of me wonders if she enjoys that worried attention, to be honest

Right. Your mom is mentally ill. So when she reads a book about abusive men, she interprets that as justification for their behavior. When she goes to therapy, she views that process as how she should adapt to, adjust to, and accept the abusive behavior. Therapy and books are useless to a delusional, mentally ill person like your mom, because they aren't interpreted rationally--it's like someone who believes in UFOs. All facts are seen as supporting the existence of UFOs, even if to a rational person, they contradict UFOs.

Once you accept that your mom is mentally ill, you also have to accept the strong probability that over the years of her relationship with your father, she acted in a way to encourage and bring out his abusive behavior. That she is equally responsible for it psychologically speaking if not legally. She does things that she knows will cause him to fly into rages and act out, and hurt her. Such as inviting him to Thanksgiving.

Your mom is nuts. I think you know that.

Which means you must also be emotionally unhealthy because no one can spend any amount of time around someone like your mom without being negatively impacted by it.

How are your relationships, OP? Have you sacrificed your own life to support your mom? I hope not. If so, it's time for you to get away from her, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

Your therapist wasn't very good. Benny was intellectually disabled, not obstinate or malicious. Your mom wasn't intellectually disabled. I assume your mom WAS obstinate or malicious, but you didn't want to face that reality of what your mom was, so your therapist gave you a nice little false rationalization.

A good therapist would have told you: "It's time to grow up and face the fact that your mom is an obstinate, malicious bitch." Lying to yourself is never a good end result of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

This! I needed this!

I agree with the PP. My brother is in a horribly toxic relationship right now, with domestic violence on both sides. And we just can't wrap our minds around why this is OK with him. He was never like this before. He never put up with this stuff before. He's tried to leave 100 times in the past 5 years, to no avail. So OP, while it's really hard to deal with your mother's actions recently, I say KUDOS to her for actually leaving in the first place! That's a HUGE step, and takes unbelievable strength to go against probably every fiber in her being. Keep your boundaries strong with respect to your dad. And just be glad of the progress she's made, even though it seems tiny. She may never be "healthy" in the way we think of it, but she's better than she was. And that's incredibly hard to do when dealing with this deep, ingrained dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

This! I needed this!

I agree with the PP. My brother is in a horribly toxic relationship right now, with domestic violence on both sides. And we just can't wrap our minds around why this is OK with him. He was never like this before. He never put up with this stuff before. He's tried to leave 100 times in the past 5 years, to no avail. So OP, while it's really hard to deal with your mother's actions recently, I say KUDOS to her for actually leaving in the first place! That's a HUGE step, and takes unbelievable strength to go against probably every fiber in her being. Keep your boundaries strong with respect to your dad. And just be glad of the progress she's made, even though it seems tiny. She may never be "healthy" in the way we think of it, but she's better than she was. And that's incredibly hard to do when dealing with this deep, ingrained dysfunction.

PP--the situation with your brother in a horribly toxic relationship is simple. He is living with a crazy woman and the lure is crazy woman are often crazy good with crazy sex. What else do you think would keep him from leaving such a crazy woman? He tries to get away, and every time, she reels him back in with mind blowing sex.

You don't believe me?

Ask him. Crazy chick sex is the ONLY possible reason for your brother to stay involved with her. Especially confirmed if your brother wasn't very much the ladies man prior to this. He may have a scarcity mentality and if this is the best sex he's ever had, he might be afraid he won't ever find anything like it again if he dumps her ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

This! I needed this!

I agree with the PP. My brother is in a horribly toxic relationship right now, with domestic violence on both sides. And we just can't wrap our minds around why this is OK with him. He was never like this before. He never put up with this stuff before. He's tried to leave 100 times in the past 5 years, to no avail. So OP, while it's really hard to deal with your mother's actions recently, I say KUDOS to her for actually leaving in the first place! That's a HUGE step, and takes unbelievable strength to go against probably every fiber in her being. Keep your boundaries strong with respect to your dad. And just be glad of the progress she's made, even though it seems tiny. She may never be "healthy" in the way we think of it, but she's better than she was. And that's incredibly hard to do when dealing with this deep, ingrained dysfunction.

PP--the situation with your brother in a horribly toxic relationship is simple. He is living with a crazy woman and the lure is crazy woman are often crazy good with crazy sex. What else do you think would keep him from leaving such a crazy woman? He tries to get away, and every time, she reels him back in with mind blowing sex.

You don't believe me?

Ask him. Crazy chick sex is the ONLY possible reason for your brother to stay involved with her. Especially confirmed if your brother wasn't very much the ladies man prior to this. He may have a scarcity mentality and if this is the best sex he's ever had, he might be afraid he won't ever find anything like it again if he dumps her ass.

No. You are projecting. He's had dysfunctional relationships his whole life. This is the first that's been violent. They both have diagnosed personality disorders.