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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.  You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother. [/quote]

That's so funny.  That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person.  And she raised me to be a feminist.  Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

[/quote]

I didn't say you should read the book to enable your mom to continue abusive relationships; I meant that you need to understand what your mother is up against and try to help her avoid such relationships. [/quote]

The thing is, I have always done that and I dont think it's healthy for me.  At this point, she has read that book, been in years of therapy, and she is still doing this.  It's so unbelievably stressful for me to worry about her in that way and part of me wonders if she enjoys that worried attention, to be honest [/quote]

Right.  Your mom is mentally ill.  So when she reads a book about abusive men, she interprets that as justification for their behavior.  When she goes to therapy, she views that process as how she should adapt to, adjust to, and accept the abusive behavior.  Therapy and books are useless to a delusional, mentally ill person like your mom, because they aren't interpreted rationally--it's like someone who believes in UFOs.  All facts are seen as supporting the existence of UFOs, even if to a rational person, they contradict UFOs.

Once you accept that your mom is mentally ill, you also have to accept the strong probability that over the years of her relationship with your father, she acted in a way to encourage and bring out his abusive behavior.  That she is equally responsible for it psychologically speaking if not legally.  She does things that she knows will cause him to fly into rages and act out, and hurt her.  Such as inviting him to Thanksgiving.

Your mom is nuts.  I think you know that.

Which means you must also be emotionally unhealthy because no one can spend any amount of time around someone like your mom without being negatively impacted by it.

How are your relationships, OP?  Have you sacrificed your own life to support your mom?  I hope not.  If so, it's time for you to get away from her, too.[/quote]

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