Why is she doing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

OP here. So I am being punished and have to spend the holidays alone? The agreement between DH and myself was "we switch holidays." This year Thanksgiving was with me and Christmas with him. Next year, Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with me. So I feel ditched.

I wouldn't skip the meal. You would look petty & immature. You guys will all be spending time together in the future (weddings, if child becauses seriously ill) might as well practice now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do thanksgiving at home, you and the kids.

That's my ultimatum right now and I hate ultimatums. I told her and my Dad: "Thanksgiving at my place, just you, me, and the boys." Let's see what she says. If she wants to spend her holidays with people she doesn't like vs. her own flesh and blood, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

OP here. So I am being punished and have to spend the holidays alone? The agreement between DH and myself was "we switch holidays." This year Thanksgiving was with me and Christmas with him. Next year, Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with me. So I feel ditched.

I wouldn't skip the meal. You would look petty & immature. You guys will all be spending time together in the future (weddings, if child becauses seriously ill) might as well practice now.

-1!OP, if this is you holiday and he gets Xmas, go ahead and make your own plans. It's part of your custody arrangement. Now is the moment to set boundaries -- with DH, ILs and dear mom, too! Your mother can't railroad your holiday or your custody plans. She's got to learn your limits, as do you and your kids. Teach your kids (and self) early how to assert your control over your space.

If it makes you and your kids feel better, go away for the holiday to forget the entire incident. I hear Gettysburg and Williamsburg have lovely Thanksgivings. It sounds like you and the kids need a chance to detox.

You can do it, OP, it's your family time to heal and relax.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Your mother, bless her heart, is a know it all meddler who couldn't recognize a boundary if it smacked her in the face. Poor thing.

Of course, you don't want to start this sort of "tradition" of "celebrating" (woohoo!) holidays with your ex and your former in laws. You do not want to set that precedent if you ever want to have a new life for yourself.

I would not suck it up and go. No way. I think dinner at your house with just the kids and maybe a friend or two. Heck maybe you could go somewhere fun for a nice long weekend just you and the kids .

[Anonymous]

I'd give your mom the benefit of the doubt in inviting ex-DH, but his parents! That is way over stepping. In a similar situation I could see my mom trying to tell me she was just trying to include everyone for a holiday. None of her business. It is your business. Even if ex-DH's parents were her best friends and they always spent every holiday together, you are her child. She should stay out of it. I would talk to her and lay this all out. I would NOT just drop off the kids and skip Thanksgiving yourself. Why should you miss time with your kids because your mother can't see reason and your DH is completely inappropriate in accepting the invitation. I wouldn't trust him to understand what is and is not appropriate. He's the one who thought it was ok to have an affair, after-all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

OP here. So I am being punished and have to spend the holidays alone? The agreement between DH and myself was "we switch holidays." This year Thanksgiving was with me and Christmas with him. Next year, Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with me. So I feel ditched.

I wouldn't skip the meal. You would look petty & immature. You guys will all be spending time together in the future (weddings, if child becauses seriously ill) might as well practice now.

Agree with this. At this point it would be best if she uninvited them, but it doesn't sound like she will.

You should not avoid Thanksgiving.

Why did your ex-husband say yes? I think that's a better question....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

OP here. So I am being punished and have to spend the holidays alone? The agreement between DH and myself was "we switch holidays." This year Thanksgiving was with me and Christmas with him. Next year, Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with me. So I feel ditched.

I wouldn't skip the meal. You would look petty & immature. You guys will all be spending time together in the future (weddings, if child becauses seriously ill) might as well practice now.

Agree with this. At this point it would be best if she uninvited them, but it doesn't sound like she will.

You should not avoid Thanksgiving.

Why did your ex-husband say yes? I think that's a better question....

Uh...he said yes because he wants to spend time with his kids on Thanksgiving, duh. His reasons are selfish but he was *invited* so he gets a pass on being selfish.

Clearly Op's mom wants to spend Christmas with her grandkids, too, which is why she has issued these awkward invitations in the hopes that she gets a similar invitation for Christmas. Op's mom's motives are also selfish.

Rather than put my kids in the middle of all of this weirdness, I would draw my own boundaries in no uncertain terms and say "Sorry! Kids and I can't make it. Hope you all have fun though!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother, bless her heart, is a know it all meddler who couldn't recognize a boundary if it smacked her in the face. Poor thing.

Of course, you don't want to start this sort of "tradition" of "celebrating" (woohoo!) holidays with your ex and your former in laws. You do not want to set that precedent if you ever want to have a new life for yourself.

I would not suck it up and go. No way. I think dinner at your house with just the kids and maybe a friend or two. Heck maybe you could go somewhere fun for a nice long weekend just you and the kids .

OP here. I wish I could get away but tickets pretty much everywhere are expensive, not to mention holiday lodgings. Plus, I have them on spring break and I already booked an all-inclusive for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do thanksgiving at home, you and the kids.

+1
Your parents can celebrate with your ex and his parents! (In which case, your mom might rescind her invitation to your ex )

[Anonymous]

Bizzare. You've got the kids this holiday - have friends over or go to a friend's house. I disagree that doing so would make you look petty. You have no obligation to go to your parents'. Don't even discuss it with your mother. Just say "oh, we're going to Larla's for Thanksgiving this year."

[Anonymous]

OP, cancel on going to your mother's. Just call and tell her that you and your kids can't make it. Sorry! She can enjoy her dad with your ex-DH and your inlaws.

Then make reservations downtown. Lots of restaurants do Thanksgiving meals. My parents divorced and my siblings were away at college, so sometimes it was just me and my mom. Occasionally we'd go to an uncle's house, but a few times we'd go to a great exhibit downtown (museums are open in the morning!), eat at Old Ebbitt and walk around a lovely deserted city together. It was always so fun and different.

We'd still bake pies the night before Tday and eat them for breakfast. And then again after we got home from wandering around.

Those were some of my best Thanksgivings, just me and my mom.

Good luck, I'm sorry your own mother is being so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'm divorced from a cheater; my parents divorced because my dad was a cheater. What your mom is doing is awful. Just terrible. I wouldn't want it now, as an adult, and I wouldn't have wanted to endure it when I was 16 either.

I would take the kids and do your own Thanksgiving somewhere else. If your ex wants to see them that day, drop them off at Gma's after you have your dinner. Or have your dinner on Friday.

Don't let your mom get away with this. Don't reinforce her terrible behavior.

And this is not your fault. Your ex is the cheater. If you are being civil otherwise, it is absolutely unreasonable, unfair and unkind to expect you to spend your Thxgiving with the kids with your cheating ex.

[Anonymous]

Also, even if your parents uninvite your ex, I still wouldn't go to their house. Your mom is being really manipulative and insensitive and needs to know that this is not ok and you won't put up with it. Don't be dramatic about it or make accusations. Let your actions speak for you. Be calm and just repeat that you have other plans this year.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of canceling on your parents and starting a new tradition with the kids. Lots of great restaurants offer Thanksgiving buffets. And you can find some other new Thanksgiving tradition to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: DH and I are divorcing after 15 years of marriage. Our last 5 years were pretty tumultuous, with DH finally admitting to his infidelities. I finally filed for divorce, he moved out. Our parents are alive and well and obviously know about the upcoming divorce.

My mother was never too keen on DH or his family. She was always polite but I know neither she or my Dad liked him very much. My parents and ILs communicated maybe 2-3 times a year by phone and would occasionally meet at our DCs' birthdays. So imagine my shock when I find out that in addition to hosting me and my kids this Thanksgiving, she invited soon to be ex-DH and his parents.

Now I don't consider DH to be my family any more and I certainly don't consider ILs who always took their precious son's side no matter what. My parents are not friends with his parents. I can't get a straight answer from her why she invited them. I am certainly not reconciling with him so what does she hope will happen? Our DCs are surprised as well, "why is Dad coming?"

That stinks. horribly. However, if you think you can do it in health, I would go ahead with the plans. Put your feelings about your stbx and your mother aside and concentrate on your children. See if you can have this be the start of you and your stbx co-parenting where you each put your children first. Arrange seating so that you are between your children at the table and not near your mother or stbx. Bring a friend or another couple if you want. Take a genetic picture for your children. One picture that has both sets of grandparents and both parents and the children. This will be for them and their children. In one picture three complete generations are present. Arrange it by MIL,FIL, STBX, children, YOU, Father, Mother.

The people I have seen be able to do this type of thing (and it sounds like it may be too early in the process for you to attempt it- and that is okay), have better relationships with their children and their children have better relationships with the outside world. It is not perfect and you may have to fake it until you make it (if ever).

It may be the only time you do this, it may set a precedent that one holiday a year is combined.

I wish you luck and hope that in the future your mother talks to you first.