Why is she doing that?

[Anonymous]

Long story short: DH and I are divorcing after 15 years of marriage. Our last 5 years were pretty tumultuous, with DH finally admitting to his infidelities. I finally filed for divorce, he moved out. Our parents are alive and well and obviously know about the upcoming divorce.

My mother was never too keen on DH or his family. She was always polite but I know neither she or my Dad liked him very much. My parents and ILs communicated maybe 2-3 times a year by phone and would occasionally meet at our DCs' birthdays. So imagine my shock when I find out that in addition to hosting me and my kids this Thanksgiving, she invited soon to be ex-DH and his parents.

Now I don't consider DH to be my family any more and I certainly don't consider ILs who always took their precious son's side no matter what. My parents are not friends with his parents. I can't get a straight answer from her why she invited them. I am certainly not reconciling with him so what does she hope will happen? Our DCs are surprised as well, "why is Dad coming?"

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I am sure you have the best of intentions, but right now ex-DH and I have decided it is best not to socialize. Even the kids think this is weird. Please, find a way to graciously back off from this plan, and check with me first before you act on such an impulse."

[Anonymous]

She is thinking of your children.

[Anonymous]

That is rather thoughtless of her, and an odd perspective. I hope your soon to be ex declined ... I would have a talk with her after the holiday (you can't rescind the invite now) and explain why she needs to check with you before doing that again, although I would acknowledge her presumably good intentions.

[Anonymous]

I would uninvite them (without a second thought) or plan to drop off the kids and let them all have thanksgiving together while I did something else I enjoy. What a mess. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

"I think I jumped the gun. Having everyone over for Thanksgiving is too soon and the wounds are too raw. I hope that in a few years when we are in a better place we can consider a combined Thanksgiving. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is thinking of your children.

She should think of her child, and trust that the parents of her grandchildren know what's best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is thinking of your children.

This.
The kids want holidays with both parents.

Suck it up and go for your kids. Give them these one last holidays as a family. The rest of there lives will be split between homes. And give yourself this too. From now on, you will spend some holidays alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is thinking of your children.

OP here. My children are not naive, they are teenagers and they understand why we are divorcing. They are perfectly fine with split up holidays, so now they are confused "Mom, why is Dad and grandma and grandpa coming?" My ILs and parents never really socialized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is rather thoughtless of her, and an odd perspective. I hope your soon to be ex declined ... I would have a talk with her after the holiday (you can't rescind the invite now) and explain why she needs to check with you before doing that again, although I would acknowledge her presumably good intentions.

OP here. That's the thing. He didn't decline. He let me as a matter of fact, "Oh, hey, we are spending Thanksgiving at your parents house." "Umm, why?" - "Well, your Mom invited ALL OF US."

My mother was the first person I told that we were divorcing and WHY we were divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is thinking of your children.

This.
The kids want holidays with both parents.

Suck it up and go for your kids. Give them these one last holidays as a family. The rest of there lives will be split between homes. And give yourself this too. From now on, you will spend some holidays alone.

The kids are even more confused by the unusual dynamic of both sets of grandparents socializing when they usually don't. It actually underscores this major life change.

This is a grandma WAY overstepping...

[Anonymous]

Did you ask her? I'd straight up call her and ask.

If you have to go through with dinner, I'd just spend only a small amount of time there. Drop the kids off early, and show up just for dinner yourself, and then leave. Your mother definitely ruined Thanksgiving for you this year! Next year, host your own gathering so you have control over the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Ask your mother why she invited them. Then ask her why she invited them without checking with you first.

[Anonymous]

That's really crazy. I wouldn't go honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is rather thoughtless of her, and an odd perspective. I hope your soon to be ex declined ... I would have a talk with her after the holiday (you can't rescind the invite now) and explain why she needs to check with you before doing that again, although I would acknowledge her presumably good intentions.

OP here. That's the thing. He didn't decline. He let me as a matter of fact, "Oh, hey, we are spending Thanksgiving at your parents house." "Umm, why?" - "Well, your Mom invited ALL OF US."

My mother was the first person I told that we were divorcing and WHY we were divorcing.

Tell your mom no. This is ridiculous. As an adult child of divorce, I really loathe the constant pressure to play "fake happy family". It might make others feel better, but I find it embarrassing.