How long is too long to be married before kids ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here, we are three years into marriage. I'm making a career change at 25, which makes it really hard to have a kid in the next couple years. I should be done with schooling at 30, which would be the ideal time to have kids. I know this career change is a good one but I guess since I got married young, I thought we'd have kids around this time in our marriage (mid twenties). It's rare in my culture to wait so long to have kids when married so just wondering if there are disadvanges to waiting. I guess I'm worried that it'd be too many years with just the two of us and that a baby would put more stress on our marriage. The weird thing is most of my friends aren't even thinking of kids until 30 so I feel weird making a big deal out of waiting so "late".

What is your culture? That seems to be important here, because in my culture we might describe this as overthinking things a little

[Anonymous]

We waited until our 5th anniversary to start trying. It worked out perfectly for us but that is the point, you have to figure out what is perfect for you. When you feel you have accomplished all the single/couple things you want/need to do. You know?

Those five years we spent all our spare time and money on travel and eating out. Now we spend it on our children's activities and schooling. I am so glad we had that early time together to really bond as a couple. DH worked on getting to a comfortable point in his career and I got to work my dream job because we knew I'd be staying home after kids. Searched for a house in a great neighborhood to raise a family. That said someone else is going to have completely different priorities, wants and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who did this. They lived overseas a couple of times before kids and were both well established in their careers before kids. It's worked well for them.

+1

That was us too. Married at 28 and 27.

Purposely waited, weren't ready or sure we wanted kids.

I got pregnant first try a few months before I turned 35. And, first try again at 37.

It's been great. We are mid-40s now.

[Anonymous]

We got married at 21. We tried for years, but my wife couldn't seem to get pregnant. It was seven years before our daughter was born. I didn't think anything of how long we were together. I figured that, if anything, being alone for so long would be a plus. We got to truly get to know one another, we traveled, and we got the "young people stuff" out of the way so that we could focus on being parents.

My wife felt the same way until the baby was born. She felt neglected, she felt jealous of me splitting attention between the two of them. She felt trapped. We divorced when my daughter was three. She later told me that after the baby was born, she realized all of the things she wouldn't be able to do. She also realized that she didn't want kids because of all the stress and the change to her life.

Since the divorce, she seems much happier. We have joint custody on paper, but she's with me the majority of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what kind of school you're anticipating, but graduate school is in some ways a really good time to have a baby. (Not that there's ever a great time, but certainly better relative to having just started a new job.)

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

We can't have biological children so we just check in every year or so to see if either or both of us feel like it's time to add children to the family. Hasn't been the right time yet. I'm glad we didn't feel beholden to a schedule; we have had some serious illnesses and major family needs that we've been able to address without the added worry of children. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. I don't think there's any such thing as waiting too long unless you're talking na out fertility, in which case it would make sense to consult with a doctor rather than DCUM

[Anonymous]

We got married at 22 and waited 9 years. It was great for us. We got to enjoy our twenties, travel a ton, grad school/careers, etc. Kids didn't cross my mind until I tured 30.