If your baby & toddler were high needs...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, we spend a good chunk of the day with me ignoring her bad behavior or putting her in a time out, so I do set limits. She just pushes me on every single thing and is a very sensitive little girl. She cried today because she didn't like the shirt I was wearing and she wanted me to change - which I did not. I left the room and she cried for 5 more minutes and then moved on the the next thing, which was pulling all of her books off of her book shelf and throwing them. I told her to pick them up with me which set off World War 3 because she doesn't want them on the shelf anymore. Once again, I didn't indulge her behavior and walked away which she cried.

So when she whined at you that she didn't like your shirt, what did you do? I would have ignored. And I don't mean "Larla, I am sorry you are unhappy with my shirt choice but I get to choose what I want to wear just like you do, blah, blah, blah". I would not even have acknowledged it or I would have said "oh well" and went on with my day.

And your child isn't "sensitive", she is just a brat and gets whiny quickly because it gets your attention.

You clearly don't have a sensitive kid or a child with anxiety. If you did, you would be more understanding. It's people like you that make those of us who do have anxious kids feel like crap.

[Anonymous]

OP here... I really can't believe how mean spirited some of the comments are. My parenting skills aside, which I know are not perfect - I came here to get answers to a simple question... if your child was a difficult baby and toddler, when did it get better? I don't simply ignore my child all day long and do acknowledge her feelings. I have read several top discipline books, as well as Elaine Aron's Spirited Child book, and a few have helped, but we are still struggling.

There are all kinds of kids in the world with different personalities and temperaments, and there is no one size fits all discipline technique or boundary/limit setting method that makes them perfect angels like many of your kids seem to be. I know it's unfathomable to think that some kids are just easy and simply don't push back when you set limits, but until you experience a really challenging kid, you have no idea just how tough it is.

I truly hope everyone on here who plans to have more children has the joy of experiencing a really tough one next time around.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. My kids are complete opposites and each was/is challenging in different ways. I think my youngest is more like how you describe. VERY tough baby with colic (true colic, not reflux), poor sleep patterns, constant need to be held, and hyper-sensitivity to stimuli. She grew into a very active, re-active, emotional toddler. My saving grace is that despite being a challenge she is sweet and loving and doesn't act out just to push buttons (which my first DD did). Anyway, I have no advice but to tell you in my experience my youngest DD turned a corner at 2.5. Now she is very active and loud, but she listens to reason and responds accordingly if we give her room to explore her feelings for a moment. Stay consistent, try not to lose your mind/temper/sanity, and hang in there.

[dancingsunflowers06]

Hi there - First of all, parenting doesn't come with instructions and it is hard! So, don't take these comments about parenting wrong too seriously. We are all in this - some kids are more challenging than others, and some parents can naturally parent better than others. My kids were both very challenging as babies and very challenging as toddlers. However, at age 6 and 9, they are polite, very respectful, and kind. I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm saying that I read every book, article and how-to on parenting that age, and they were still difficult in the younger years. Routine is important and being consistent with any consequence. The efforts and the repetition has paid off. If I could go back in time, I would not cater to their needs as quickly/often as I did. I would give them time to wait, and also try more things on their own. Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp and Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson are like parenting Bibles to me - kinda like how parenting used to be when kids did not talk back and were not entitled. It's helped our family so much! But please know that you aren't alone and moms, let's lift each other up and encourage one another instead of bringing each other down for Pete's sake! We are all doing the best we can with the phase we are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not a high needs child, its a mom over defining normal childhood needs.

Tend to agree with this. Colic and reflux doesn't equate to high needs. Sleep? Sleep is not one size fits all. Don't fall into the trap of thinking everyone else has it so much easier. If you haven't figured it out by now, a lot of parents are full of s***. It's all relative and child development is cyclical and varies at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not a high needs child, its a mom over defining normal childhood needs.

A baby with chronic reflux can be high needs b/c they need more attention and usually that means less sleep for the parents. My low tone child had terrible reflux that wasn't made better with meds. As an infant, I couldn't put him down for a nap and needed to holding him upright, letting him fall asleep on my belly. The frequent waking even as old as 1.5. It was draining.

He was a wonderful, smily baby when he wasn't in pain and I think that it's important that parents don't construe the needs of a baby somehow translate as part of their personality.

OP, I think you have a sensitive child (not a brat by any means). I do think that kids can push buttons and boundaries more so with parents than with teachers. Truly though I think you need more tools in your parenting toolkit. "Planned ignoring" is a technique, but I think you were using it in the wrong context, which made her more upset.

Rene Hackney:
http://www.parentingplaygroups.com

Dan Shapiro:
http://www.raisingyourchallengingchild.com

have wonderful classes. It helps if you and DH can both attend so you're using the same approach.

[Anonymous]

My dd was a high needs baby - wanting to be held constantly, would never sleep in a crib, we'd have to take her on long walks or car rides to get her to go down for naps. Then as a toddler, - transitions crazy hard, had to carry her out of the mall play area screaming her head off etc. Now she is 9.5, and it wasn't over night, but now she is a delightful girl. She is smart, sensitive, empathetic, intelligent, kind. She does happen to have ADHD diagnosed in 1st grade and lactose intolerant (which may have accounted for some fussiness as a baby).

We did go on to have a #2, and she was so much easier as a baby. She tended to grow into a needier child now that she's 7, but it is a delight to have 2 girls.

Good luck, I got every book out there - The Difficult Child, The High Needs Baby, Playful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting etc. I can't name them all. Just progress with love, tolerance, patience and of course structure and rules, and you will come through it all.

[Anonymous]

0P people are jumping on you because of your toddler description. Colic and reflux suck – everyone agrees with that. But what you described in terms of a toddler is just a kid that you need to get to know. And yes I have a high strung, anxious toddler. He's actually no longer a toddler – he is now four and a delight. But what you were describing would never have worked with him. I needed to get to his level and understand what was upsetting him. Walking away would never work. Nothing you're describing is a particularly uncommon situation – it is just getting to know your kid and what works for them.

I now have a second child who is an actual toddler – 21 months old. He is much less emotionally challenging than the first, but is just in that toddler hell stage. He responds better to being forcefully told what to do and what not to do - my first would have melted down but this one toes it on the chin better. Again, it depends on the kid. But nothing that you were describing of anything other than just being a toddler – everyone knows they are assholes. Calling that behavior high needs is getting you jumped on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0P people are jumping on you because of your toddler description. Colic and reflux suck – everyone agrees with that. But what you described in terms of a toddler is just a kid that you need to get to know. And yes I have a high strung, anxious toddler. He's actually no longer a toddler – he is now four and a delight. But what you were describing would never have worked with him. I needed to get to his level and understand what was upsetting him. Walking away would never work. Nothing you're describing is a particularly uncommon situation – it is just getting to know your kid and what works for them.

I now have a second child who is an actual toddler – 21 months old. He is much less emotionally challenging than the first, but is just in that toddler hell stage. He responds better to being forcefully told what to do and what not to do - my first would have melted down but this one toes it on the chin better. Again, it depends on the kid. But nothing that you were describing of anything other than just being a toddler – everyone knows they are assholes. Calling that behavior high needs is getting you jumped on.

Meant to say takes it on the chin.

[Anonymous]

Toddlers all behave like aholes, yes, but some have MORE irrational behavior, some have more anxieties, some meltdown quicker when they're tired/hungry than others. Just because one 3 year old can walk a mile to the park without whining doesn't mean all 3 year olds can and should be capable, some will throw a tantrum because they truly are more tired in the legs and theyre just not like every other kid. There ARE kids who are more emotional and they are so much harder to handle. It can be the parents fault, but it's often not. So just lay off the op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0P people are jumping on you because of your toddler description. Colic and reflux suck – everyone agrees with that. But what you described in terms of a toddler is just a kid that you need to get to know. And yes I have a high strung, anxious toddler. He's actually no longer a toddler – he is now four and a delight. But what you were describing would never have worked with him. I needed to get to his level and understand what was upsetting him. Walking away would never work. Nothing you're describing is a particularly uncommon situation – it is just getting to know your kid and what works for them.

I now have a second child who is an actual toddler – 21 months old. He is much less emotionally challenging than the first, but is just in that toddler hell stage. He responds better to being forcefully told what to do and what not to do - my first would have melted down but this one toes it on the chin better. Again, it depends on the kid. But nothing that you were describing of anything other than just being a toddler – everyone knows they are assholes. Calling that behavior high needs is getting you jumped on.

Yes, yes, yes to all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. Don't let any pp's get you down. You know that you look around at other kids and you see how they are different from your kid.

There are some threads on this in the past. I was asking myself this question for awhile. I think it got better recently? DD is just about 3. She still needs a lot from us, she needs us to be right there, engaged in playing and not doing anything else but playing the whole day.

She used to scream all day. All day. Now that she can talk, she only screams sometimes. Though, it's the loudest scream ever, so the other night after screaming at me for an hour, I just had to put her in bed early and walk away.

But, it's better. A lot better.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry the PPs are being so mean. I don't understand why there's so much judgment of the OP. We all have our parenting strengths and weaknesses, but what she's describing sounds like challenging behavior -- not unusual, just definitely needy.

I'm a SAHM and can totally sympathize. I'm sorry to say it, but I definitely think that people who WOH fulltime or nearly fulltime simply cannot understand what it's like to be in a situation like this all.the.time. If you have a challenging kid, it can be really challenging, and if you're SAH, it's challenging all the time.

My DS was most difficult prior to age 1.5. He had allergies and reflux that led to really poor eating and sleeping, and as you can imagine, that led to general crankiness most of the time. By 1.5, he was finally able to express himself more verbally, and the allergies and reflux were better controlled and starting to go away.

He was a pretty happy kid from about 1.5 to 3. I would not have called him a difficult 2 year old. I saw many friends' kids having serious tantrums, and that was extremely rare for my kid -- basically never happened in public and only at home when he was getting sick.

Age 3 has been seriously, seriously challenging, though. Many of my friends' kids who were difficult during the 2s now seem to be mellowing, whereas my kid has ramped it up and NOW has more tantrums about stuff! As one of the PPs said, oftentimes either 2 or 3 is hard, but often not both.

I hope your kid starts calming down more and that it gets better! I totally feel for you. If there are any transitions or changes, that will only make it worse, so aim for routine, routine, routine. GL!