Do I need to do something or is other mom over reacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DD came back from summer camp with new knowledge, apparently. She shared it with her friends. Now, her friends mom emailed us to tell me that DD was talking about inappropriate things. Specifically, BJ's and 69. In my mind, that is age appropriate; it was the age I learned about the concepts. And this is how I learned. And, at 13, I though it was gross. What if he peed? Isn't it dirty? (those where my thoughts).

I have not responded to the email. I am thinking of responding it is the right age to hear about this. There is probably a few years before either kid will be in a situation where this will occur (DD is not allowed one-on-one dates until she is 16, though I might relax it later). FWIW, these kids are going into 8th grade next year. Neither girl has shown significant interest in boys yet.

Does this sound age appropriate? Or am I behind/ahead of the curve?

Option A: Continue to ignore the email.

Option B: Quick response: "Hey Bertha, thanks for letting me know. Best, Ruthie."

Option C: Apologize profusely and overreact so she feels embarrassed for making you feel so embarrassed.

+1 But I would be so tempted say when you eavesdrop you ear lots of things that you would rather not!

Right? Or pile it on. You and your daughter have such a close and trusting relationship! Oh wait, I forgot, you obtained this information by violating her trust. I'm totally doing a seek mission today for my daughter's diary! What about you? Want to meet for coffee and compare notes!? (more sarcasm)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you value your children's friendship, you take the high road at option c. If not, be prepared for the friendship to be terminate by the parents outside of school. Normal yes, but I would not be ok with another child having an explicit conversation at 13 (16 fine, 13, NO) with my child and in less I could trust that you will supervise and support your (and my child) I would not allow my child to go to your home nor welcome yours into mine anymore.

Different parents have different standards. Part of parenting is teaching kids to respect those differences and support others in their choices even if you do not agree. What may be ok for your child may not be ok for theirs.

It's going to happen, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you value your children's friendship, you take the high road at option c. If not, be prepared for the friendship to be terminate by the parents outside of school. Normal yes, but I would not be ok with another child having an explicit conversation at 13 (16 fine, 13, NO) with my child and in less I could trust that you will supervise and support your (and my child) I would not allow my child to go to your home nor welcome yours into mine anymore.

Different parents have different standards. Part of parenting is teaching kids to respect those differences and support others in their choices even if you do not agree. What may be ok for your child may not be ok for theirs.

It's going to happen, though.

^^^So the question is, what are you going to do about it? If Larla has an explicit conversation with your kid, and your kid tells you about it, and you say, "You may no longer be friends with Larla!", that's not going to stop your kid from talking to Larla. It might stop your kid from talking to you, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you defended the act and acted like it was nbd, I would feel that your family is not one I want my kid around too much, and would try to distance her.

I don't think you need to apologize profusely. But I think you should just say thanks for bringing it to my attention to diffuse the situation. If she escalates, I think you and she should talk about it in person or distance yourselves from each other.

+1 I would also wonder where your daughter got this information if my daughter is a daily friend of hers.

Whoa there, helicopter mom. In the early 90s I looked it up in our huge actual encyclopedia or dictionary book, one of the two. It was in there. I was probably in 7th grade or so.

LOL - I wonder if the previous 2 posters are parents of toddlers? I went to Catholic school and learned about these things in 7th grade from the quietest, sweetest, shy girl in the class who was also my best friend. It's always the quiet ones

And there is no way I want to explain either of those concepts to my kid so a friend telling her is just fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you value your children's friendship, you take the high road at option c. If not, be prepared for the friendship to be terminate by the parents outside of school. Normal yes, but I would not be ok with another child having an explicit conversation at 13 (16 fine, 13, NO) with my child and in less I could trust that you will supervise and support your (and my child) I would not allow my child to go to your home nor welcome yours into mine anymore.

Different parents have different standards. Part of parenting is teaching kids to respect those differences and support others in their choices even if you do not agree. What may be ok for your child may not be ok for theirs.

It's going to happen, though.

Different poster here. What's wrong with 13 year olds talking like this? They are curious, they talk. It's very normal.

[Anonymous]

Life lesson opportunity!

Your DD should send a quick email to explain that many girls were talking about this at camp and that she felt comfortable enough with the other DD to share. And that she's sorry the other mother and DD feel shocked about this, but that the conversation was for the shock and gross-out factor!

Please do not apologize! The other mother should not have not sent you the email. But a little explanation will help your DD understand how to deal with people without apologizing or being defensive. It will be good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to laugh. This was definitely the kind of conversations I was having with other girls at age 13-14. But some families are so square. I had one friend in high school (sweet girl) whose mother was a high school teacher. You'd think a high school teacher would have seen it all, but she told me this story about the time she confiscated a book the kids were passing around in class that had several pages bookmarked. Of course the book was pure smut and she was shocked beyond belief that high school kids were reading this stuff. Really?

lol, we did the same with Judy Blume's "Forever," in 5th grade.

I remember passing around Clan of the Cave Bear in 7th grade, with the sex scenes marked.

[Anonymous]

Just had the conversation with my son. You don't need to repeat everything you learn. It was inappropriate. When is it ever appropriate for a 13 yr old to tell her friends about oral sex. I told my kids never discuss sex with others because it is not up to them to teach another CHILD about sex. They can ask the parents. My kids know what oral sex is because they asked me when then heard something at school. Hopefully they don't repeat it to someone else. It is trash talk. and it makes the kid sound like trash to talk like that AT 13!!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Way more traumatizing for a boy to learn about oral sex from his mother. Do you also discuss positions, too? Ugh. NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Way more traumatizing for a boy to learn about oral sex from his mother. Do you also discuss positions, too? Ugh. NO.

+1

I had a similar conversation with my dad (I am female) and it was something I ended up discussing with a therapist years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Way more traumatizing for a boy to learn about oral sex from his mother. Do you also discuss positions, too? Ugh. NO.

+1

I had a similar conversation with my dad (I am female) and it was something I ended up discussing with a therapist years later.

That is more a sign of how rigidly society views parent-child relationships than about what constitutes healthy boundaries. Explaining sexual details to a child who overheard something he or she didn't understand from his friends is something that I do. I don't want misunderstandings to occur. This is NOT akin to incest, but to getting correct information. My son is 10, and in 5th grade, misinformation is the norm. The kids talk about things they overheard from older siblings or movies, etc, and construe ridiculous and hilarious things from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Way more traumatizing for a boy to learn about oral sex from his mother. Do you also discuss positions, too? Ugh. NO.

+1

I had a similar conversation with my dad (I am female) and it was something I ended up discussing with a therapist years later.

That is more a sign of how rigidly society views parent-child relationships than about what constitutes healthy boundaries. Explaining sexual details to a child who overheard something he or she didn't understand from his friends is something that I do. I don't want misunderstandings to occur. This is NOT akin to incest, but to getting correct information. My son is 10, and in 5th grade, misinformation is the norm. The kids talk about things they overheard from older siblings or movies, etc, and construe ridiculous and hilarious things from them.

It's you who jumped to incest, not me, and the fact you immediately went there is pretty disturbing. You can have unhealthy boundaries without getting anywhere near incest. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you value your children's friendship, you take the high road at option c. If not, be prepared for the friendship to be terminate by the parents outside of school. Normal yes, but I would not be ok with another child having an explicit conversation at 13 (16 fine, 13, NO) with my child and in less I could trust that you will supervise and support your (and my child) I would not allow my child to go to your home nor welcome yours into mine anymore.

Different parents have different standards. Part of parenting is teaching kids to respect those differences and support others in their choices even if you do not agree. What may be ok for your child may not be ok for theirs.

It's going to happen, though.

Different poster here. What's wrong with 13 year olds talking like this? They are curious, they talk. It's very normal.

Completely normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you value your children's friendship, you take the high road at option c. If not, be prepared for the friendship to be terminate by the parents outside of school. Normal yes, but I would not be ok with another child having an explicit conversation at 13 (16 fine, 13, NO) with my child and in less I could trust that you will supervise and support your (and my child) I would not allow my child to go to your home nor welcome yours into mine anymore.

Um, wow. that's....nutty. do you actually have teenagers or do you just have toddlers? because in the real world, you will be very lucky if your kid makes it to 13 without having had an "explicit" conversation. kids deserve privacy from their parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I talked to DD. The context mattered, I figured. She said that it sounded gross and disgusting, and it was (my words) in the context of gross things people do. I was worried that she would ask me if I ever did it, but fortunately, I am asexual (in her mind).

I then called friends mom (whom I am friendly with). I told her I was not aware of this, thanks for bringing to my attention. I let her know that DD talked about it as gross things people do; the friends mom agreed that that fit in the context of what she heard. I mentioned, mostly because of the cultural difference (they are 1st generation Indian Americans), that this type of thing seems to be age appropriate here. I learned about this in the 7th grade. We then joked about our girls growing up.

We have known them since the girls were in the second grade. I do not think it will be a problem. And, the girls have made plans to get together later this week.