Sister "parenting" my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

nope, the parents were sitting at the dinner table. the kid was in the foyer playing at the top of the stairs. the mom knew (thought?) the kid was stair-safe and plainly thought i was paranoid and crazy, to her credit, the kid went down and came up several times after my comment. the house is my in-laws and i STILL don't like that staircase and my kids are 4 and 6.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your sister who is failing to meet all of your unvoiced expectations whole also missing pertinent information (the diagnosis). She may surprise you with how she will adjust her behavior if you actually talk to her. If you are unwilling to do that, it's not right to act as if she is totally at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

nope, the parents were sitting at the dinner table. the kid was in the foyer playing at the top of the stairs. the mom knew (thought?) the kid was stair-safe and plainly thought i was paranoid and crazy, to her credit, the kid went down and came up several times after my comment. the house is my in-laws and i STILL don't like that staircase and my kids are 4 and 6.

Thanks for elaborating. Have to say I think the cousin is crazy! But that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

nope, the parents were sitting at the dinner table. the kid was in the foyer playing at the top of the stairs. the mom knew (thought?) the kid was stair-safe and plainly thought i was paranoid and crazy, to her credit, the kid went down and came up several times after my comment. the house is my in-laws and i STILL don't like that staircase and my kids are 4 and 6.

Thanks for elaborating. Have to say I think the cousin is crazy! But that's me.

Yep, that's you. So you can do something different with your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

nope, the parents were sitting at the dinner table. the kid was in the foyer playing at the top of the stairs. the mom knew (thought?) the kid was stair-safe and plainly thought i was paranoid and crazy, to her credit, the kid went down and came up several times after my comment. the house is my in-laws and i STILL don't like that staircase and my kids are 4 and 6.

Thanks for elaborating. Have to say I think the cousin is crazy! But that's me.

Yep, that's you. So you can do something different with your children.

And that's what I did!

[Anonymous]

Parent of a child with (barely detectable) Asperger here: if she's a competent teacher she knows without your telling her.

If he's so low on the spectrum that it's not apparent to her, then whatever is bugging her isn't related to his ASD.

The fact that you're not telling her says to me that you have your own issues with his diagnosis. Work on that. He needs that from you. This SIL issue is trivial because you see her so seldom.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think setting limits is important for kids, but I still find it hard to do sometimes, exhausting to do all day, every day. So if it were me, I think I'd be grateful for an extra pair of eyes and parent for my kid. But that's me. Unless it's done to the extreme, I wouldn't mind.

that said, I'm not you, and you don't appreciate that approach to your kids, so I'd just tell your sister. She probably has no idea it bothers you so much, she is probably just trying to help take the load off you for a while.

[Anonymous]

4 kids OP??

I'd give your sister complete charge of the 1 year old so you can get a break and take the older 3 somewhere.

[Anonymous]

It's bothering you more than the kids and probably always will. It's just one of those "relations with family members" things that you have to deal with.

Just keep handling it like you have been, and maybe try to explain some of your expectations a little more to her. I'm sure she feels stressed having four kids running around when she isn't used to it and is assuming you do, too, so it trying to help (thinking maybe that you don't realize your little kid is doing X because you're talking to your older kid who is doing Y, even if you already know how to handle this already).

The fact that you haven't told her your kid has Asperger's suggests to me that there are some issues between you and your sister that go beyond this. It seems like you're afraid to tell her something because you think she's going to either judge you for it, tell you what to do, or assume she knows best. Maybe that's her personality, but it probably is also some of your own insecurities about your relationship with her. If she is a teacher, I actually think she probably knows way more about Asperger's than most people and could actually be a big help and support. I would investigate your feelings about this and why you aren't telling her.

[Anonymous]

Why would you subject your own child to someone who is unaware of his diagnosis. You are more likely to cause stress for him by not letting people know. Also, secrecy about it translates to shame. Be open and teach her how to best deal with him in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess it's a habit that comes from being a teacher. She's used to correcting kids - it's part of her job. Either be direct with her that it's driving you batty, or let it go.

I agree... but most teachers are horrible with kids. They have not patients and overreact and are simply bossy. I suspect the sister is in some way tone deaf. I also suspect that part of the issue is that the teacher sister feels close to her sister and feels she has the relationship that allows her to ignore any normal parenting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a child with (barely detectable) Asperger here: if she's a competent teacher she knows without your telling her.

If he's so low on the spectrum that it's not apparent to her, then whatever is bugging her isn't related to his ASD.

The fact that you're not telling her says to me that you have your own issues with his diagnosis. Work on that. He needs that from you. This SIL issue is trivial because you see her so seldom.

Because teachers are always "diagnosing" other peoples kids.... Teachers do have an "I know best" attitude even though many of them are not parents or are unsuccessful ones.

[Anonymous]

Teacher here. I'm sure I was like this before I had kids. And I definitely meant well, so I'm glad you at least realize that. I think you need to give her suggestions for how she can help. And be honest about the Aspergers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess it's a habit that comes from being a teacher. She's used to correcting kids - it's part of her job. Either be direct with her that it's driving you batty, or let it go.

This is so interesting. My mother in law is a retired school teacher and is CONSTANTLY telling my kids (and her husband, but that's another story) what to do. Really micro-managing things- like "Drink your juice now," (does it matter if they drink their juice during the meal, or wait until they are done eating? Or don't drink it, period?), "put your shirt on" (uh- she is in the process of doing that. And what if she wanted to put on her pants before her shirt?). "Tell your mother about going to the library" It's like she is constantly prompting them to do things that they would do anyway or that don't really matter; like she thinks they are her little puppets or something.

I wonder if it comes from being a teacher. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

+1 I would have been cringing at that too.