SIL Quotes Hurtful Things Her Kids Say About Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really hope you will take the advice of most of the PPs here and just let it go. You said she is good to your kids. I'm thinking that having a good relationship among the cousins will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids, one that will last a lifetime. Don't let an insecure, unhappy person spoil that for the children.

I'm trying to bold this last line-- I don't know what is up with your SIL, but I 100% agree with this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you're been a bit preachy about your choices? Like the importance of buying all organic or how women must have an education before having kids? Maybe this is her awful way of asking you to be less preachy because she feels judged.

If not, she's being insecure and looking for validation and going about it all wrong. I would ignore or follow 8:42's recommendation.

This. The kid shouldn't be spouting this stuff, and SIL shouldn't be catty, but it does sound like you've been pretty vocal about your own life choices in comparison to others'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

You are insufferable and you clearly believe that you are better at parenting then SIL. That attitude comes across in eveything though I know you believe you ar hiding it well.

I promise - kids who eat sugary cereals and red meat are not I cultured, uneducated brats who need to be taught the value of the finer things in life. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO passive aggressive -- the kids aren't saying this shit, and if they are, she's using it to say things to you she is thinking herself.

Don't stand for it - "Well, tell Larlo he's welcome to bring his own cereal next time!" "Oh - hey Larla, you silly thing - I can smile once in a while! But please know sweetie, it has nothing to do with my education level. My brain is one of the things that makes me happiest! As a woman, I have the right to feel and express whatever I want, I don't always have to prance around, and neither do you - education helped me realize that"

My MIL does this same thing. She gives the baby a voice when she doesn't like what I'm doing. I speak back to the baby about why he's wrong, and always end it with "I guess I'm the mommy, so you'll have to deal with the way I do it!"

Yeah. This isn't going to correct the impression he has that you're an uptight sourpuss.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

You are insufferable and you clearly believe that you are better at parenting then SIL. That attitude comes across in eveything though I know you believe you ar hiding it well.

I promise - kids who eat sugary cereals and red meat are not I cultured, uneducated brats who need to be taught the value of the finer things in life. Just stop.

I didn't read it like this at all. OP said she's tried to provide tasty cereals and other foods they'll like, and it seems like she allows junk food for her kids from the aunt. it seems to me like she's being a good host.

But regardless, it also seems like the SIL is being passive-aggressive and is cloaking her feelings about OP as statements from her kids.

[Anonymous]

You could just ask her about it not in front of the kids.

Just say something like "you've made some comments that I'm not sure how to take.".

Or in the moment say "I'm not sure how to take that."


See how she reaponds. She might clarify her thoughts or she might clam up. Hopefully she clarifies and everyone can be accommodating. if she clams up, is just leave it alone and continue to do what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

I'd just laugh and shrug it off. I do like the "Oh I'm so sorry Larlo! Next time I won't mind at all if you bring your own cereal" And smile, smile, smile.

When she says you don't smile enough, make a scary face and tell the kids, "that's because I'm actually... a vampire!" and chase them around. Ok just kidding on that one.

But, laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

I've heard that my nieces have said some similar things about me. I actually took some of it as constructive criticism..or at least I kind of appreciated knowing how they see me. BUT their mom has never said a word to me, which I also appreciate. (The kids actually told my husband :0 , but I'm certain they've talked to their mom about me too). I don't blame them, they were young.

Your sil should not be saying these things to you, IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: SIL and her family have departed. Whew! I took the advice that many DCUMs provided and tried to make jokes and/or change the topic when my SIL said things like that. It's definitely an odd quirk of hers, which she does repeatedly. She even started reporting out things that my own kids had reportedly "told her" about my faults. It was pretty clear that my kids would not have spontaneously told her the things that she was repeating but that she had drawn them out of them with questions (I later confirmed this was true by asking my kids after she left).

In any case, I really appreciate the folks who told me to just let it go or make light of it.

And to those folks who said I am insufferable and uptight, ha ha! you are probably right! Now who wants dessert?

[Anonymous]

Glad you got through it OP. I didn't think you sounded insufferable at all. Your SIL sounds petty.

Maybe send her a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle with a sweet note saying you noticed she could use something to occupy her mind. Dot Every "i" with a heart so she doesn't take it the wrong (right) way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO passive aggressive -- the kids aren't saying this shit, and if they are, she's using it to say things to you she is thinking herself.

Don't stand for it - "Well, tell Larlo he's welcome to bring his own cereal next time!" "Oh - hey Larla, you silly thing - I can smile once in a while! But please know sweetie, it has nothing to do with my education level. My brain is one of the things that makes me happiest! As a woman, I have the right to feel and express whatever I want, I don't always have to prance around, and neither do you - education helped me realize that"

My MIL does this same thing. She gives the baby a voice when she doesn't like what I'm doing. I speak back to the baby about why he's wrong, and always end it with "I guess I'm the mommy, so you'll have to deal with the way I do it!"

Yeah. This isn't going to correct the impression he has that you're an uptight sourpuss.

LMAO.

[Anonymous]

I think we have the same SIL... My nephew has parroted some really age inappropriate zingers. I went through years of fertility treatments and miscarriages, he made comments "the baby medicune makes you crazy" and "you dont understand because you can't have kids." What 8 yr old has any comprehension of fertility drugs or infertility? The answer is zero ----it comes from a 40 yr old adult.

Easier said than done -- agree with PPs - let it roll. If you are really hurt, talk to her directly.

As for organic cereal tasting like tree bark - my SIL feeds her kids cake and candy for breakfast then doesn't understand why they are super hyper in the morning. Then she tells her oldest he is chubby and needs to lose weight. Are food choices to blame for culture or not - no - it's how it's handled by the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, Marcia, you are kind of a tattletale. Laugh hysterically.

+1

Just put her in her place with some snark of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

My SIL used to say dumb stuff like that to me. You make her feel insecure. She is saying hurtful things to you to make herself feel better. I bet you are MUCH better educated than she is and that your family is MUCH more successful. It's possible that the kids didn't even say that stuff. She is just being a bitch, because she feels so insecure around you.

I'd make a joke about whatever she says. "Hey, we love our tree bark!" or "You're absolutely right. They cut your smile muscles right before you graduate law school. It makes you a more intimidating lawyer."

Keep in touch with those kids. They are going to need college advice and career advice and YOU are the one in a position to give it. They are lucky to have you for an aunt.

Ditto. You SIL sounds like an idiot. You will be nothing but a good influence on those kids.