SIL Quotes Hurtful Things Her Kids Say About Me

[Anonymous]

"SIL, why on earth would you choose to pass along unkind things that your children say?"

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I have a dear old friend who says things like your SIL. She genuinely thinks she's being lighthearted and teasing. She's a kind hearted person and is sincerely apologetic if she is told her comments were hurtful. For whatever reason she has a hard time with that boundary. It is uncomfortable and irritating and it gets tiring to be around. Does this sound like your SIL? It doesn't make her comments any better, but it might help in reframing them and choosing the best response.
OR your SIL could be a passive aggressive jerk. I like the suggestion of calling her out for tattling.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is an ahole who is insanely jealous of you. If she continues to do it, I think I might actually respond, "SIL, if you want to criticize me, please own it and don't do it by quoting your children."

[Anonymous]

Wow! If her kids ARE saying these things, how embarrassed must they be that she is broadcasting htheirnorjvste conversations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

You're exposing them to a different way of living. Why would you choose to be sensitive about this? I have foreign-born family (through marriage) who gasped outloud when I said I'd rather go a year without meat over a year without cheese. So. What? Your Midwestern family members also live in a different world. You recognize this, right? SIL is trying to reconcile the difference, explain it to her kids. Is she clumsy about it? Perhaps. I don't see the reason you would choose to allow this to upset you in any way. Hell, getting my nieces to not harsh on anyone with a BMI over 18 is my challenge! I recognize that they were brought up differently, in a bubble of intense physical training, portion control, and weight management thanks to my brother and his wife. I see my role, as their aunt, is teaching them about diversity, whether it's my 3yo's "kinky" hair, the American potbelly, or "ebonics." It's not personal, when they emphasize their thin bodies or their mother's cooking. I've never taken offense because I realize their limited exposure to diverse communities.

It's great that you are accommodating them where you can, but you shouldn't feel any pressure to ignore your personal lifestyle choices. Educate these children in the manner you see fit, so that their mother doesn't have to continue in her clumsy way.

[Anonymous]

My response:

"And you feel it necessary to repeat that to me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

My SIL used to say dumb stuff like that to me. You make her feel insecure. She is saying hurtful things to you to make herself feel better. I bet you are MUCH better educated than she is and that your family is MUCH more successful. It's possible that the kids didn't even say that stuff. She is just being a bitch, because she feels so insecure around you.

I'd make a joke about whatever she says. "Hey, we love our tree bark!" or "You're absolutely right. They cut your smile muscles right before you graduate law school. It makes you a more intimidating lawyer."

Keep in touch with those kids. They are going to need college advice and career advice and YOU are the one in a position to give it. They are lucky to have you for an aunt.

[Anonymous]

It's a passive aggressive way to improve your relationship with her kids. My kids do not like my brother and it hurts. I just wish he'd play with them more and not be so critical. There's no great way for me to tell him though.

I see myself in your SIL. She's trying to tell you something. Just get some Cookie Crisps, turn on the sprinkler and run through it with them.

[Anonymous]

Larla's mom has quite the passive-aggressive style of communication. That must be annoying.

What a weird thing to say, asking why a person never laughs or smiles. Are you very serious, OP?

[Anonymous]

Bran flakes, ugh, disgusting. No wonder they hate you.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's raising a couple of brats.

Sorry you had to marry into that.

[Anonymous]

How about, "it sounds like you and your family would be happier at a hotel."

[Anonymous]

Well Larlo/Larla are at least courteous enough to say something like that outside my hearing. Why would you repeat it within my hearing? Fortunately, they aren't following your example, but you should be following theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a passive aggressive way to improve your relationship with her kids. My kids do not like my brother and it hurts. I just wish he'd play with them more and not be so critical. There's no great way for me to tell him though.

I see myself in your SIL. She's trying to tell you something. Just get some Cookie Crisps, turn on the sprinkler and run through it with them.

+1

That wasn't my first read from op's post, but this makes the most sense to me. I think she's trying to throw hints your way (a bit tactlessly) to help you bond better with her kids.

[Anonymous]

"Oh Sally, you don't need to repeat your children's rude comments. I'm sure it's embarassing for you as their parent. I'm sure they'll outgrow it as they mature and I won't judge."