Can't stand my sister. Am I the only one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't lack of basic empathy one of the definitions of insane?

I think you mean Sociopathy, different from insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't lack of basic empathy one of the definitions of insane?

No. Psychotic people can often empathize. It can, however, be part of an antisocial, borderline, or narcissistic personality.

Or the person could just be selfish and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. For those of you who hate their sisters, do you think there was something your parents did to lead to the estrangement, or that they could have done that could have fostered a better relationship with your sister(s)? Or is it just inherent personality differences that led to the poor relationship? I would love my girls to be close -- I realize I can't control everything, but would like to minimize any damage that I might unwittingly do.
I have siblings, but did not grow up with them, so am coming at this from more of an only child's perspective.
Thanks and apologies for hijacking the post.

I will add to OP that my mom is estranged from both her sister and her brother, so no, don't think you are alone at all unfortunately.

Hi, OP here. My mother favored my sister. She told her constantly that she "had more than me." Specifically, in the looks area. My mother also physically abused me but not my sister. I left home at 16 (went to college, skipped a grade. I felt ugly and focused on my studies. As a result, ended up attending an IVY league and never got a B, even in grad school).

I was lucky. I dated guys who helped me realize that I was beautiful, inside and out. My mother, at times, owns up to the pain she has caused me. However, there were two victims in this story. My sister lives in a world where she NEEDS to be the best - best looking, best looking kids, wealthiest etc. At the end of the day, I think she may be suffering more than me. It's tough living with someone who NEVER lets you be in the lime-light. I worry about her children.

A pp suggested that I avoid topics that could lead to comparison. I think that's a great idea. But there are certain things you can't hide - how cute your kids are; how smart they are; how big your house is.... Gosh, I just want this level of comparison to end. I guess therapy is an option. I just don't want to relive the abuse. I have worked hard to build my esteem, to become a woman who is confident and compassionate. I'm afraid therapy would require my mother to admit that she was wrong and for my sister to acknowledge at least part of what I perceive. That's difficult to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. For those of you who hate their sisters, do you think there was something your parents did to lead to the estrangement, or that they could have done that could have fostered a better relationship with your sister(s)? Or is it just inherent personality differences that led to the poor relationship? I would love my girls to be close -- I realize I can't control everything, but would like to minimize any damage that I might unwittingly do.
I have siblings, but did not grow up with them, so am coming at this from more of an only child's perspective.
Thanks and apologies for hijacking the post.

I will add to OP that my mom is estranged from both her sister and her brother, so no, don't think you are alone at all unfortunately.

Hi, OP here. My mother favored my sister. She told her constantly that she "had more than me." Specifically, in the looks area. My mother also physically abused me but not my sister. I left home at 16 (went to college, skipped a grade. I felt ugly and focused on my studies. As a result, ended up attending an IVY league and never got a B, even in grad school).

I was lucky. I dated guys who helped me realize that I was beautiful, inside and out. My mother, at times, owns up to the pain she has caused me. However, there were two victims in this story. My sister lives in a world where she NEEDS to be the best - best looking, best looking kids, wealthiest etc. At the end of the day, I think she may be suffering more than me. It's tough living with someone who NEVER lets you be in the lime-light. I worry about her children.

A pp suggested that I avoid topics that could lead to comparison. I think that's a great idea. But there are certain things you can't hide - how cute your kids are; how smart they are; how big your house is.... Gosh, I just want this level of comparison to end. I guess therapy is an option. I just don't want to relive the abuse. I have worked hard to build my esteem, to become a woman who is confident and compassionate. I'm afraid therapy would require my mother to admit that she was wrong and for my sister to acknowledge at least part of what I perceive. That's difficult to do.

I'm the poster you responded to, OP. Thank you so much for your thoughtful words and advice. What a terrible story. You should be admired greatly for succeeding despite the abuse and unfair treatment by your mom. Good luck in whatever you decide to do in relation to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Gosh OP. No wonder you have a horrible relationship with your sister. The only thing you can do is to be honest with her, call her on all the old patterns of abuse, refuse to fall into them, and move on. No need to play into her toxic stuff and just be sad that she doesn't seem to realize that she was manipulated by your mother as much as you. I have a great relationship with my (crazy) siblings, but after 3 years of therapy, I definitely know how not to relive all the crazy crap our family engendered. After some rough patches, they accepted my new no-BS self and we actually became closer. If they hadn't accepted me, I would have had to just had a limited relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. Your responses have helped me work through some key issues. Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

You're not the only one and I'm so glad to hear there are others.
My older sister is less than a year older than me but unfortunately, we're not close at all. Many times when growing up, teachers at school would confuse me for her and strangers would assume I was the older sister. Without wanting to sound like I'm bragging, I was taller, prettier, and smarter and she resented that. I think my mother could have done a better job at letting us know she loved us equally and addressed the jealousy issue. I'd say my sister was demanding and selfish and my mother gave in to her frequently instead of telling her she was being inappropriate. My sister and I had a major conflict a few years ago. It escalated to the point where she was rude and just a plain bitch which she has been as long as I can remember - I was struggling with dealing with a separation and raising my then 2 year old son alone. Instead of offering any kind of support, she responded that I should give him up for adoption or go on welfare. She also said that her life would be no different if I were not in it. What a bitch!! I confronted her on her nasty behaviors and said it was sad we couldn't be better sisters. Since then, I see her only a family gatherings - that's 2x per year max. She ignores me and my son at those gatherings, and I've given up on trying to be polite - I now just pretend I don't know her. It's working out much better than when I had to placate her and deal with her bitchiness. But..I'm the one in therapy, not her.

Thanks for bringing up the topic, OP. I hope you find a way to manage your relationship with your sister that keeps you at peace.