Can't stand my sister. Am I the only one?

[Anonymous]

I have daughters. For those of you who hate their sisters, do you think there was something your parents did to lead to the estrangement, or that they could have done that could have fostered a better relationship with your sister(s)? Or is it just inherent personality differences that led to the poor relationship? I would love my girls to be close -- I realize I can't control everything, but would like to minimize any damage that I might unwittingly do.
I have siblings, but did not grow up with them, so am coming at this from more of an only child's perspective.
Thanks and apologies for hijacking the post.

I will add to OP that my mom is estranged from both her sister and her brother, so no, don't think you are alone at all unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I posted about my wedding and my sister. Honestly she and I are just different people. She cares a lot about material things and tries to come off in a snotty way. I don't. I could care less. So we are on opposite realms of the earth so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Hmm.... Where are the stick a up her butt and fire her immediately posters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. For those of you who hate their sisters, do you think there was something your parents did to lead to the estrangement, or that they could have done that could have fostered a better relationship with your sister(s)? Or is it just inherent personality differences that led to the poor relationship? I would love my girls to be close -- I realize I can't control everything, but would like to minimize any damage that I might unwittingly do.
I have siblings, but did not grow up with them, so am coming at this from more of an only child's perspective.
Thanks and apologies for hijacking the post.

I will add to OP that my mom is estranged from both her sister and her brother, so no, don't think you are alone at all unfortunately.

I can tell you from experience that there are things that you definitely should not do; that won't guarantee success, of course.

I don't get along with my brother and I think that my parents had a lot to do with that. First of all, he was the oldest and my mother's favorite, pet, and pride and joy. It was pretty clear that he walked on water and no one else could hold a candle to him. Then when he'd screw up, if anyone-- but especially me- criticized him, she would say that it was jealousy or, in my case "sibling rivalry." Now, it really, really wasn't. I wished him well and frankly didn't want our mother's attention. It's just normal for a sister to say "hay, brother, stop getting caught smoking pot, because you are smart enough to do well in college if you stop screwing up." But for her, any acknowledgment that he was not perfect was an attack on him, and then she'd attack me.

Second of all, her constant favoritism and shielding him from criticism turned him into a person of fairly weak character who can't really get along with anyone but her. He's a pretty lonely person now, having been raised to believe that he never has to try and never has to play by the rules that apply to everyone else.

So DON'T-- show favoritism for one. Don't pit them against each other. Don't act like the world is conspiring against one of them and tell yourself that the other is to blame.

My best friend's experience with her two sisters is also instructive. She's the oldest and her two younger sisters were more like each other and like their mom than like her. She was more serious and sensitive, and when they would tease her (as kids do), their mom would blame her for overreacting. As a result, she felt like an outsider in her own home. Now tht the sisters are all in their 40s, they are friends. But there was a lot of bad blood until maybe 10 years ago. So the lesson from their family-- Don't act as if there's a family "norm" from which one or more children depart and to which others conform. As a parent, be neutral about the way to handle those situations.

Doing better at this won't guarantee that they love each other, but you could at least raise them to know that they are accepted equally.

FWIW, my husband's parents were god awful in every way, but to both of them equally. They are best friends now, with a wonderfully loving relationship. Terrible parenting probably isn't the best strategy to achieve that result, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She is not a nice person.

OP, that is all you need to know. Minimize contact. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

My sister is competitive, selfish and superficial.

*She doesn't have kids, and isn't sure she wants to because she's worried people will think mine are cuter.

*She and her husband witnessed an elderly person fall out of a wheelchair. My sister was driving and her husband begged her to pull over and she reluctantly did, but refused to get out and help.

*She keeps a tab of when she "loans" money to our mother and then bitches at our mother until she gets the money back. She still complains that my mother owes her $500 from their wedding because my mother went over her "guest allotment."

I can give many more examples, but my point in giving these is that despite all of this, I love her to pieces. We talk on the phone everyday (multiple times per day) and we see each other a few times a week. She would do anything for me and I would do the same for her. I recognize her shortcomings, but I love her because she's my sister. I know it's hard, because there are times I want to scream at my sister and tell her off, but maybe you can look past her flaws and love her for who she is. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you're engaging in her competitive games. Just start limiting what you tell her. If you don't tell her that you've lost weight, or say "oh, really, I didn't notice" if she comments that you've lost weight, then how can she compete with it? Same with husband's salaries and other things. I'm not saying she's a nice person - just that you can't change her, all you can change is your response to her. If you want to retain the relationship, then you have to start behaving like you're confident in your life and that nothing she can do or say will change that. (You eventually have to start feeling that way, too, but I think this is a case of "fake it 'tll you make it.")

I also think this is an instance where it helps to feel sorry for someone - if she is so insecure with herself that she has to compete over weight and income, than she's really missing the satisfaction that comes with self-acceptance. In other words, she's miserable inside, which is a sad way to live. Look at her in that light and she may not bug you as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is competitive, selfish and superficial.

*She doesn't have kids, and isn't sure she wants to because she's worried people will think mine are cuter.

*She and her husband witnessed an elderly person fall out of a wheelchair. My sister was driving and her husband begged her to pull over and she reluctantly did, but refused to get out and help.

*She keeps a tab of when she "loans" money to our mother and then bitches at our mother until she gets the money back. She still complains that my mother owes her $500 from their wedding because my mother went over her "guest allotment."

I can give many more examples, but my point in giving these is that despite all of this, I love her to pieces. We talk on the phone everyday (multiple times per day) and we see each other a few times a week. She would do anything for me and I would do the same for her. I recognize her shortcomings, but I love her because she's my sister. I know it's hard, because there are times I want to scream at my sister and tell her off, but maybe you can look past her flaws and love her for who she is. Good luck.

Just curious how you can "love to pieces" someone who clearly lacks basic empathy?

[Anonymous]

My DH is estranged from his siblings--only has holiday contact. There was no blow-out event, he just has nothing in common with them and just let more and more time elapse between contacts, and suddenly, they were like strangers to him.

In family therapy (which we went into at my insistence during a particularly rough patch) our therapist said that family estrangements run in families, and that people who are estranged from siblings typically have a parent who is estranged from that parent's own siblings or have other estrangements in the immediate family. Essentially, the therapist said that parents model "how to have a grown-up sibling relationship" for their children, and if children see estrangement/cutting-off-ties/no regular ties as normal or standard, they have less of an issue doing the same when they encounter friction in their own sibling relationships. You are obviously free to make your choices about your relationship with your sister, but I second another poster's suggestion to ask your sister if she would be willing to do family therapy. It's a long shot, but would signal your willingness to work on the relationship and would be a statement on your commitment to seeing some eventual positive relationship.

[Anonymous]

"So DON'T-- show favoritism for one. Don't pit them against each other. Don't act like the world is conspiring against one of them and tell yourself that the other is to blame."

Brilliant! Families can be SO divided and the favoring parent just scratches their head as if they did nothing. The case I know about is multigenerational - history is repeating itself by giving one of the many kids everything. Crazy! How to divide the family, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is estranged from his siblings--only has holiday contact. There was no blow-out event, he just has nothing in common with them and just let more and more time elapse between contacts, and suddenly, they were like strangers to him.

In family therapy (which we went into at my insistence during a particularly rough patch) our therapist said that family estrangements run in families, and that people who are estranged from siblings typically have a parent who is estranged from that parent's own siblings or have other estrangements in the immediate family. Essentially, the therapist said that parents model "how to have a grown-up sibling relationship" for their children, and if children see estrangement/cutting-off-ties/no regular ties as normal or standard, they have less of an issue doing the same when they encounter friction in their own sibling relationships. You are obviously free to make your choices about your relationship with your sister, but I second another poster's suggestion to ask your sister if she would be willing to do family therapy. It's a long shot, but would signal your willingness to work on the relationship and would be a statement on your commitment to seeing some eventual positive relationship.

Very interesting. Definitely applies to my family. Neither of my parents have very close or good relationships with their siblings so that seemed normal growing up. The three of us, all girls, do not stay in close contact either. I would not call it estranged but we are definitely not close and I only speak to my sisters several times a year. I am very jealous of people with close extended family. I have 17 cousins, none of whom I have seen in years.

To add to what the PP was asking about how to avoid this: My sisters and I have very different personalities and are far apart in age - they are 4 and 7 years older. I have very few memories of playing with them or even being with them when we were little. We took family vacations but otherwise we all did our own thing and the age difference was probably the main driver of that. Not sure what my parents could have done differently.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are not alone. My sister is such a bitch (and her husband is a bigger bitch, he's a MD). They think they are better than everyone else and both of them are the most offensive people I know. They have managed to offend my children as well and their friends. I can't imagine what it is like for their children. We had to cut off contact with them and I fairly certain others have done this also. I have tried to address this with my sister and she is not interested.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a stressful parent situation and we all coped in different ways. Oldest sister totally isolated herself, I was social and spent all my time at friends houses and younger sister just went crazy and was a total bitch. 25 years later its all the same. I see them once at xmas every 2 years. I am really happy with this set up. I have a great group of friends, loving husband and good kids. They are both miserable people and I don't enjoy being around them. Its a sad situation but I really fended for myself and this is how it is. Do I wish we were lovey dovey best friends, sure doesn't everyone want that? But its the craziness and awfulness that they go through that makes me appreciate how wonderful and special my immediate family is, they are the only people who matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is competitive, selfish and superficial.

*She doesn't have kids, and isn't sure she wants to because she's worried people will think mine are cuter.

*She and her husband witnessed an elderly person fall out of a wheelchair. My sister was driving and her husband begged her to pull over and she reluctantly did, but refused to get out and help.

*She keeps a tab of when she "loans" money to our mother and then bitches at our mother until she gets the money back. She still complains that my mother owes her $500 from their wedding because my mother went over her "guest allotment."

I can give many more examples, but my point in giving these is that despite all of this, I love her to pieces. We talk on the phone everyday (multiple times per day) and we see each other a few times a week. She would do anything for me and I would do the same for her. I recognize her shortcomings, but I love her because she's my sister. I know it's hard, because there are times I want to scream at my sister and tell her off, but maybe you can look past her flaws and love her for who she is. Good luck.

Just curious how you can "love to pieces" someone who clearly lacks basic empathy?

I have a similar type of sister. I'm one of 4 and each of us are really really different people with very different temperments, professions, politics, etc. My one sister can be a real narcissistic bitch, like PP. However, my parents drilled into our heads that we should always stick together, should always love each other no matter what, and should always always support each other. So the 4 of us have always stayed in touch and we are all close in our own ways because of the constant reminders from our parents. FWIW, my sis is empathetic with me and our family but has almost no empathy with others, like PP.

OP, there's always two sides of the coin. I believe you when you say that your sis is really hurting you, and I know it's easy to cut things off with her, but if you care enough, it would be useful to examine why she says those things (and not push it off to lazy thinking like she's just a bitch), how you contribute to this relationship, and how you two can reapproach. Again, that takes a bunch of work, as it does to accept people for who they are and still love them.

I don't think I'd necessarily seek out my sibs as my friends if they weren't family, but I love them unconditionally and I know they do the same WRT me. It sometimes takes a lot of work, but I hope to pass this trait along to my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Isn't lack of basic empathy one of the definitions of insane?