Vent - I hate talking to my dad

[Anonymous]

That's super weird that he thinks the Holocaust didn't happen considering it was very real in Hungary. My FIL just barely escaped Hungary as a child (he is Jewish) and is nearly the same age as your dad. Almost his whole family died and all lived in Budapest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I have a different perspective for you- not better, just different. My father was also from Hungary. He came to the US as a political refugee after escaping through Austria (he was a scholar, and the government made it clear that he would not be permitted to leave freely). His experiences were so traumatic that he never discussed them with me- ever. He never taught me Hungarian because he wanted no reminders of what he had been through. The only Hungarian history I learned was on visits there with family who took me to monuments, etc and explained what they meant.

My dad was a complex, isolated, paranoid person until he died. I was his best friend. When I did learn some of the things he had been through (on his deathbed, from his sister as she spoke with him) I understood him more fully and wished I had known those things about him before, and what he had gone through.

I guess what I'm saying is: try very hard to appreciate your dad and what he's come through, while ignoring the noise. Try not to let the extra stuff impact your relationship. It's a rough history- Budapest was destroyed and rebuilt 11 times, and so were other areas. I have family who also feel like Hungarian history is ignored/ not discussed because it's such a small country. Maybe you can reach a peace accord- we discuss _____ when only family is around, or ___ members of family who are good at diverting him, or something?

Thanks for reading, anyone who read- it just felt good to type all that out.

Thank you, PP, for that excellent perspective. My dad is a good man. He wasn't the best husband to my mom (largely because of his extremism) but he was a good father, and now I think he's found his true calling as a grandpa. There's an old saying that true love doesn't come until the first grandchild is born, and I think that applies to him. I will do my best to focus on his good qualities and ignore the noise.

Such an interesting and sad story about your dad. Did he leave Hungary during the 1956 revolution, or before? My dad was only 17 years old and a student during the revolution. He escaped into Yugoslavia in the late 1960s but was caught, so later on he tried again and made it to Italy, and from there he came to the U.S. and made arrangements for my mom to follow him. They pretty much isolated themselves in the Hungarian community and never really assimilated. My mom's boyfriend was in his mid 20s and he was directly involved in the revolution, and he had to escape Hungary after the revolution ended because they were looking for him. He would have been executed if he stayed. So he came to the U.S., was married to a Polish woman for over 40 years, had two children (who don't speak Hungarian) and ran a successful business. He doesn't talk much about his experiences either. In contrast to my dad, he is completely assimilated, never really associated with any Hungarians here until recently, and doesn't hold the extreme views that my dad holds. When his wife passed away from cancer, he mourned her for several years and then ventured out to the Hungarian social club where he met my mom. He is the polar opposite of my dad and my mom has finally found happiness!

Hi OP,

My father left in 1963. He graduated college in Budapest, worked a bit, then went to Austria for 2 years or so before he came here (that was the plan all along). He was sponsored by distant family friends in the US and then when he got here, applied for refugee status/ citizenship and changed his name immediately in case the government came after him. (My mother and I have always had his assumed last name.) His sense of paranoia never left- our curtains were drawn all the time. We didn't open the door unless we knew someone was coming over. He never met any of my friends' parents or came to school stuff- my mom dealt with all that.

My parents divorced, and in his last 15 or so years, my dad had a very nice ladyfriend. His boundaries never failed though- he never let her get too close.

I am sorry to interrupt your thread with my own story. I'm glad your family seems to have found their own comfort zones, even though your dad's does sound like it imposes on others. I just feel like his history/ experience must play a huge part in his extremism now, and maybe I'm missing my dad when I say this (he died in 2004) but I would try very hard to work it out with your dad. Just my $.02, from one Hungarian-American to another.

You're not interrupting at all....I am glad you shared your story! I just get so frustrated with him sometimes - it helps to vent and get some perspective from others who have been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might enjoy this book. It's a funny nice story about an aging immigrant from EE and his children.

http://www.amazon.com/A-Short-History-Tractors-Ukrainian/dp/0143036742

Thanks, I will have to check it out! I could use some humor after this morning's conversation!

NP - I have started reading this book and I enjoy it a lot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's super weird that he thinks the Holocaust didn't happen considering it was very real in Hungary. My FIL just barely escaped Hungary as a child (he is Jewish) and is nearly the same age as your dad. Almost his whole family died and all lived in Budapest.

I know....it's impossible to reason with him. There are a lot of anti-Semitic Hungarians and unfortunately my dad is a perfect example. He blames Hungary's ills on the Jews. He and others with his political leanings believe that some Jews were taken to camps just to work - they think the rest of it was all made up by Hollywood (which of course is also run by Jews ). Since my parents pretty much isolated themselves in the Hungarian community in NJ, didn't really travel anywhere (except to Hungary), they were never really got to know anyone outside their little bubble and were never exposed to any differing viewpoints. They are suspicious and fearful about anything unfamiliar. My brother and I try to broaden their minds but it's a losing battle.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Conversations must be exhausting.