Reply to Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This has midlife crisis written all over it. Men, especially, get to this point and become obsessed with all they haven't accomplished, all they have missed out on, all the ways they didn't measure up to their young vision of themselves. I've seen it so many times.

What they tend to do is to focus it all outwards, and look for external solutions. It's easier to lay the blame at their wives' feet than it is to look inward and see it's themselves they're not happy with. And of course, the idealized notion of the ones that got away or the current women around them fill a perfect fantasy slot.

In your shoes, I've spent a lot of hours calmly talking about these things. I had to get my husband to start looking inside himself, so he realized how miserable and full of self-loathing and judgment he was, and that not even the most perfect, ideal woman would change that.

He needed to figure out what to work on in himself. He needed to think about and decide whether it was worth it to give up all he had with me and our kids, to chase his fantasies. I told him he was totally free to leave and pursue his dream, and I wished him well, but that it meant I would move on, live my own life, and hopefully find a new man who was sure he wanted to be with me.

He had been checked out, and putting his energy into fantasizing about other women for a few years. But when I told him that he'd have to actually think carefully, and make a choice, he started to see me in a new light. He eventually started recognizing his childish fantasies for what they were. He started figuring things out and making changes in himself. His focus and direction shifted to reality and how to make it better, starting with himself.

It hasn't been easy. I've taken a lot of damage that will take a long time to heal. We've both grown. I'd just as soon have skipped this phase, but growth is painful.
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This is so spot on and thoughtful.  Thank you[/quote]

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