What is the deal with wedding showers that I am supposed to pay to attend?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I actually did something similar to this. A close friend didn't want to have a shower, which I offered to have at my home and take care of everything. She was opposed but then later changed her mind and wanted a small (10 people) gathering of friends but wanted to do high-tea at the Hay Adams. Well, unfortunately I couldn't afford $400 for her shower there (I wasn't a bridesmaid, she didn't have any), and she didn't want me to pay, and she suggested that we ask people to pay individually. Though I did pay for her and her mom, the invites asked for people to pay their own way. We actually asked a few people what they thought before we sent out the invites.

So, as much as you think it is wrong, sometimes the bride encourages it.

Was this done in lieu of gifts?

This means that both you AND the bride are wrong, it does not mean that you were less wrong to do this. I would absolutely, positively never ask someone to do this. And if a bride asked ME to do this, I'd never do it. It makes you both look bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A shower is to shower the guest of honor with gifts and good wishes, period. It's not supposed to be a luxury "experience." Asking guests to pay for the privilege is greedy and tacky and outrageous. I'm sure the bride knows about it, too. I don't know any brides who didn't have at least some opinion or advance knowledge about their upcoming shower. If a bride doesn't want a shower, then don't give her one. It's not required.

People seem to be mixing up showers with bachelorette parties, where you can have an expensive "experience" activity (high tea, spa, male strippers, trip to Vegas) and everyone should be paying for themselves.

OP, just say no to extortion!

I agree with these sentiments but one thing -- when I got married I said I did not want a shower. I didn't go into specifics about it (think they're kind of tacky to begin with, hate going to them, don't like the spotlight) because I knew the offer was made out of kindness and not in order to put me on the spot. Well, it turns out that I should have specified why I didn't want one. My stepmom thought I was just being nice and threw me a surprise shower.

Thankfully, nobody was asked to pay, but first of all, not eveyone will agree with this etiquette, but it is traditionally "not proper" for one's own family to throw the shower. Second, she ended up inviting children, who were not going to be invited to my wedding. She hadn't asked me about my kids policy but just assumed. This meant I had to change my no children policy for the wedding, and if we'd have had all of the kids, there would have been almost 70! (Irish Catholics on both sides). She also invited a few girlfriends that I'd been close to during childhood but hadn't kept up with and hadn't planned to invite to the wedding (we were footing the bill ourselves). Finally, the point is, I really didn't want a shower, and I ended up not just having one, but having a HUGE one.

From another perspective, I was invited to a shower waaay back when my college roommate got married. Her sisters threw her a shower and asked us all AT THE SHOWER to pay for our meal and the brides. They actually passed the bill around the restaurant with not even a heads up ahead of time! The bride was nearly in tears and didn't have enough money to pay for it and didn't know what to do. She had no idea her sisters were planning to do this. Instead of just sending thank you notes, she felt like she had to call everyone and apologize to them. (People knew it wasn't her fault).

So please OP, do not assume the bride knows that her friends are doing this. She just might not!

[Anonymous]

OMG that is so true. But when my friend got married, she had me do reconnaissance for her because she knew her tacky sister (and maid of honor) would pick some cheap dive for the shower (although all the other bridesmaids were happy to fork out more for a nice shower) or pick some outlandishly expensive place with the idea that everyone pays for themselves.

Brides, if you know your maid of honor has lapses in taste and manners, make sure you have a spy!

[Anonymous]

Tacky! As! Hell! Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A shower is to shower the guest of honor with gifts and good wishes, period. It's not supposed to be a luxury "experience." Asking guests to pay for the privilege is greedy and tacky and outrageous. I'm sure the bride knows about it, too. I don't know any brides who didn't have at least some opinion or advance knowledge about their upcoming shower. If a bride doesn't want a shower, then don't give her one. It's not required.

People seem to be mixing up showers with bachelorette parties, where you can have an expensive "experience" activity (high tea, spa, male strippers, trip to Vegas) and everyone should be paying for themselves.

OP, just say no to extortion!

OMG when did high tea become some sort of expensive experience activity?

[Anonymous]

tacky, tacky, tacky!

[Anonymous]

I was once invited to a bridal shower for an old college roommate. The shower was over tea at an expensive hotel in Philadelphia. When the shower ended, the bridesmaids informed everyone what their share of the bill would be. The share included paying for the bride, her sister, her mom and a few other relatives. I was completely caught by surprise since there was never any discussion prior to the shower that we would be splitting the bill and that all attendees would be paying for the bride and her family. Completely tacky and rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I actually did something similar to this. A close friend didn't want to have a shower, which I offered to have at my home and take care of everything. She was opposed but then later changed her mind and wanted a small (10 people) gathering of friends but wanted to do high-tea at the Hay Adams. Well, unfortunately I couldn't afford $400 for her shower there (I wasn't a bridesmaid, she didn't have any), and she didn't want me to pay, and she suggested that we ask people to pay individually. Though I did pay for her and her mom, the invites asked for people to pay their own way. We actually asked a few people what they thought before we sent out the invites.

So, as much as you think it is wrong, sometimes the bride encourages it.

Um, 8:10, did you happen to read this one? I think $400 counts as an expensive high tea....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you called it a shower, it's tacky. If you said it was a get-together for Jane, one last time before marriage, it's fine.

This is absolutely ridiculous. It's the same thing in the end, isn't it?

Everyone need to calm down about hitting the tacky trigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was once invited to a bridal shower for an old college roommate. The shower was over tea at an expensive hotel in Philadelphia. When the shower ended, the bridesmaids informed everyone what their share of the bill would be. The share included paying for the bride, her sister, her mom and a few other relatives. I was completely caught by surprise since there was never any discussion prior to the shower that we would be splitting the bill and that all attendees would be paying for the bride and her family. Completely tacky and rude!

Holy cats, this takes the cake. Bad enough that they expected folks to pay for their party, but not to warn you about it ahead of time??? Sounds like a trap. I always decline this sort of thing, but to not be given all the information... I'd be utterly livid.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree that there is a big difference between inviting someone to a shower and just getting folks together to do something. Having a shower and asking guests to chip in for the cost is tacky. Simply getting people together to go have tea or to a spa and expecting everyone to pay her own way is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I actually did something similar to this. A close friend didn't want to have a shower, which I offered to have at my home and take care of everything. She was opposed but then later changed her mind and wanted a small (10 people) gathering of friends but wanted to do high-tea at the Hay Adams. Well, unfortunately I couldn't afford $400 for her shower there (I wasn't a bridesmaid, she didn't have any), and she didn't want me to pay, and she suggested that we ask people to pay individually. Though I did pay for her and her mom, the invites asked for people to pay their own way. We actually asked a few people what they thought before we sent out the invites.

So, as much as you think it is wrong, sometimes the bride encourages it.

Um, 8:10, did you happen to read this one? I think $400 counts as an expensive high tea....

People are calling afternoon tea "high tea" because they are clueless about the difference.

[Anonymous]

People are calling afternoon tea "high tea" because they are clueless about the difference.

Well, clearly they should be shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are calling afternoon tea "high tea" because they are clueless about the difference.

Well, clearly they should be shot.

....and have something stuck up their bum.