Would you host your BIL's guests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is severely disabled, you should speak frankly with your ILs.

Let them know that you are happy to let them use the 3 bedrooms for the bridal party, however, they need to help you to get the house in order to host and they need to take care of the meals if that is a concern. Even is they get a maid service to clean up your house after these people leave, it will be significantly cheaper than the cost of 3 hotel rooms.

I posted earlier wondering if you could offer the rooms but not really host.

Let them sleep and shower there, but they need to somehow make sure everything is put back in place and not plan to eat or hang out there. Would having someone in to clean when they leave be an issue?

I don't think you "host" per se. If that isn't acceptable, or doable for you, then they need to stay elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

A couple of reasons :

1. I am an introvert. I get drained by social encounters and energized by solitary. I socialize easily especially in neutral venues but I strongly prefer not to.

2. When I have gone for destination weddings I have always booked a hotel

3. I have a very strict routine with a severely disabled family member that I take care of 24/7. Hosting would throw my routine off which would make me anxious and in return would compromise the care to the sick family member.

4. My inlaws have not been supportive so I guess I am somewhat resentful. They have however done a few kind gestures in the past, so I am willing to compromise all the above and host if majority of you think hosting is the right thing to do.

#3 seems like a pretty good reason to me. Given 1 and 4, I would use 3 to bow out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

A couple of reasons :

1. I am an introvert. I get drained by social encounters and energized by solitary. I socialize easily especially in neutral venues but I strongly prefer not to.

2. When I have gone for destination weddings I have always booked a hotel

3. I have a very strict routine with a severely disabled family member that I take care of 24/7. Hosting would throw my routine off which would make me anxious and in return would compromise the care to the sick family member.

4. My inlaws have not been supportive so I guess I am somewhat resentful. They have however done a few kind gestures in the past, so I am willing to compromise all the above and host if majority of you think hosting is the right thing to do.

OP, all of your messages are "I," "me," "my".... Where's the "we," "us," "our" in all of this? Is your husband going to be out of town the nights you have been asked to host? Are you really being asked to do this singlehandly? Does your husband have an opinion about hosting his family members and their closest friends? Can he help pitch in so that you do not compromise on care of your other relative??

My DH is the one who is severely disabled. He is letting me decide if we should host or not. He is however concerned that I might get very burnt out during the visit and after the visit because of the clean up and all, which would obviously compromise his care.

The ILs want their severely disabled son to host?

No, just no. Absolutely say no and do not feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I would certainly offer and if they took me up on it, I would be happy.

[Anonymous]

I'd still do it and let them know it's a place to sleep and shower. You can't provide meals and still keep up with DH's care. Also make sure the unknown guests know what they are coming into, so they aren't surprised when no one cooks breakfast.

This is family and a wedding. I would do it.

[Anonymous]

Aren't they going to want to hang out and be social and loud with one another? It's a celebratory gathering. They're better served in a hotel, TBH, even if they'd save money staying with you.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You should have specified that your spouse needed round the clock care (or whatever he needs) in your original post - it makes a world of difference! I am shocked you would just mention it casually as number 3 in your list, after "introvert".

Anyway. Previously, hosting would have been a no-brainer, but now, I wonder if the shoe isn't on the other foot: are these people rude to have asked to stay, knowing the circumstances? Did they offer to prep and clean-up, or are they expecting to be served?

Or is it that your husband's care isn't as time-consuming as all that, and your anxiety is just making it into a big deal?

Only you can answer these questions - not to me, but to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd still do it and let them know it's a place to sleep and shower. You can't provide meals and still keep up with DH's care. Also make sure the unknown guests know what they are coming into, so they aren't surprised when no one cooks breakfast.

This is family and a wedding. I would do it.

I have a severely disabled family member, and I would consider saying no. If you do say yes, then, THIS ^^

[Anonymous]

Yes I would. I love having guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

A couple of reasons :

1. I am an introvert. I get drained by social encounters and energized by solitary. I socialize easily especially in neutral venues but I strongly prefer not to.

2. When I have gone for destination weddings I have always booked a hotel

3. I have a very strict routine with a severely disabled family member that I take care of 24/7. Hosting would throw my routine off which would make me anxious and in return would compromise the care to the sick family member.

4. My inlaws have not been supportive so I guess I am somewhat resentful. They have however done a few kind gestures in the past, so I am willing to compromise all the above and host if majority of you think hosting is the right thing to do.

OP, all of your messages are "I," "me," "my".... Where's the "we," "us," "our" in all of this? Is your husband going to be out of town the nights you have been asked to host? Are you really being asked to do this singlehandly? Does your husband have an opinion about hosting his family members and their closest friends? Can he help pitch in so that you do not compromise on care of your other relative??

My DH is the one who is severely disabled. He is letting me decide if we should host or not. He is however concerned that I might get very burnt out during the visit and after the visit because of the clean up and all, which would obviously compromise his care.

Way to bury the lead there, OP!

[Anonymous]

These are wedding guests, right? Yes, I'd host them for two nights during the wedding. It's very expensive for people to buy flights, pay for a hotel, get a gift. If important guests are coming and need a place to stay and I had several guest rooms, yes I would host.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have anxiety and don't particularly like your inlaws so you might want to pass. I'd just be honest and say you can't handle the disruption to your routine.

It wouldn't bother me, but that doesn't matter here or there with your situation and should have no bearing on the decision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had a big house with 3 empty bedrooms, would you host his fiancé and her bridal party for two nights especially if you barely knew BIL's fiancé? Would you be comfortable hosting the fiancé's friends as well especially if they were out of the country?

Yes I would. It's kind and no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would. Not sure what the big deal is.

+1. It is family. It is their wedding. The guests may be total nightmares or they may be a blast. Either way, you will have a good story to tell later. Live a little. Be a gracious host and help your family out.

[Anonymous]

I took care of a severe disable relative, including spoon feeding, diaper changes, help to get up of chairs/bed and move around, etc. It is very draining. I am also an introvert. But one of the things that kept me sane while doing that was the visit of friends and family members. I had a family member who would come once a month to spend a whole weekend here and bring boyfriend, boyfriend's son, her daughter and dog - it was wonderful to have all those people around, cooking, drinking, talking, watching movies, grilling, etc. To me, it was a chance to "see people" and socialize whiteout having to find a care taker in advance, spend big bucks on it, and have only a few hours out to watch a movie or whatever.

But again, they were my family and friends. Maybe I would feel different if they were strangers.