Can a man be a fantastic but absent father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I father, I believe what men most owe their children is their presence. I probably make $200,000 less per year than I could be making (half), but I chose to forgo jobs and promotions that required long hours or travel. Every day I play with my kids after work, go on walks and bike rides, take them to their sports activities, do homework with them, read to them at night, and lay down in bed with them each night and talk about life. I also volunteer in their classrooms and go eat lunch with each of them once or twice per week. I believe our relationships with our kids are built in the "small moments", and I see too many men my age who seldom see their kids and aren't fully present when they do, and then seem to think they can make it all right by taking some elaborate week long vacation once a year. I find it really sad.

Correction. I eat lunch with each do the once or twice per month.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older kids get the more important money becomes to them. Absent father can make up for not being there by providing money for clothes, car, healthcare, and college.

OP here. I think this would be the case for his older child that is a teen but due to the child support to both ex-wives, he can't pay for college or a car or anything really for this child. He can barely support himself and family # 3. They lease a vehicle and rent a small condo.

I disagree. Money can be helpful, sure, but it doesn't make up for years of neglect. The kids might accept the money for college, but they aren't going to be close to their father.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how women sign up for this. Sounds like OP's friend needs to stay married at all costs, because she knows what divorce would look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I father, I believe what men most owe their children is their presence. I probably make $200,000 less per year than I could be making (half), but I chose to forgo jobs and promotions that required long hours or travel. Every day I play with my kids after work, go on walks and bike rides, take them to their sports activities, do homework with them, read to them at night, and lay down in bed with them each night and talk about life. I also volunteer in their classrooms and go eat lunch with each of them once or twice per week. I believe our relationships with our kids are built in the "small moments", and I see too many men my age who seldom see their kids and aren't fully present when they do, and then seem to think they can make it all right by taking some elaborate week long vacation once a year. I find it really sad.

Thank you for saying this. Do you also do the administrative work of parenting -- laundry, medical appointments, paying for activities, scheduling playdates and carpools, etc.? If so, good work!

My child's father is present, but in a circus dad way -- comes to play and that is it. My son is getting old enough that I worry that he will grow up to think his Dad's example is good parenting. How were you raised that you came to have this concept of your role as a father? Did your father do this for you? Or is it something you learned elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older kids get the more important money becomes to them. Absent father can make up for not being there by providing money for clothes, car, healthcare, and college.

OP here. I think this would be the case for his older child that is a teen but due to the child support to both ex-wives, he can't pay for college or a car or anything really for this child. He can barely support himself and family # 3. They lease a vehicle and rent a small condo.

I disagree. Money can be helpful, sure, but it doesn't make up for years of neglect. The kids might accept the money for college, but they aren't going to be close to their father.[/quote

He's not in the position to pay for college or anything really. He rents a 2 bedroom condo and they can barely cover their bills. He doesn't make six figures. I've distanced myself a lot with this friend and don't agree with the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

He's not going to be paying for college for the oldest child that will graduate next year. I don't know if that child will even attend college since he did not. He can barely afford the rented bedroom plus den condo that they're in. I've distanced myself a lot from her and find myself unable to relate to her. There seems to be no valid reason as to why he hasn't seen his child in so many years when airline tickets aren't that expensive. If you can afford a two week vacation, you can certainly afford to buy an airline ticket. He has family in the city that this child lives in so he wouldn't even have to pay for a hotel during the visit.

[Anonymous]

They can be supportive and a good resource, but no, they aren't doing the real work of fatherhood, which involves being there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once is a fluke, twice is a pattern.

+1, and ditto for the marriage. Anyone married three times is just legally dating.

[Anonymous]

In a eord. NO.

[Anonymous]

What is even sadder is when the third marriage is to someone who has children and the man bends over backwards to be great with his step-children while ignoring a child from his first marriage. My nephew was in this situation and walked out of his father's funeral when the two stepsons gave eulogies.

Nephew was in his 20s and had really tried to rise to the occasion, but he couldn't take that final slap in the face.

Oh and my brother's ex-wife was married within 4 months of his death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is even sadder is when the third marriage is to someone who has children and the man bends over backwards to be great with his step-children while ignoring a child from his first marriage. My nephew was in this situation and walked out of his father's funeral when the two stepsons gave eulogies.

Nephew was in his 20s and had really tried to rise to the occasion, but he couldn't take that final slap in the face.

Oh and my brother's ex-wife was married within 4 months of his death.

That is a slap in the face.