Can a man be a fantastic but absent father?
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Anonymous
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Someone close to me married a man that has two ex-wives. The first and second marriages produced children and they all live with the mothers. One mother lives about 200 miles away while the other mother and child lives out of state. The children that are in state he does see 2-3 times a year. The child that is out of state is about 1,000 miles away and he hasn't seen this child in over four years. My friend has stated that he hasn't seen the child because he's far away, plane tickets are expensive and he would have to fly there to get the child and fly back with the child for a visit (too young to fly alone and they don't want to pay $100 for an escort). And yes, this friend of mine now has children with him. She is always saying he's the best father and husband. He's caring, attentive, great with the kids, always there for her, etc. She posts this stuff on facebook. They have gone on 3 one to two week vacations in the past two years but they can't scrap money together for him to go and see his son? I know this because their beach pictures were all over facebook. I just don't understand why he doesn't get on a plane and go see his child (the costs to go there would be minimal). How can a guy be a fantastic and attentive father to one set of children, but completely absent to another child? I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. |
Anonymous
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I've come across men like this. I think the answer is that with some people out of sight equals out of mind. He's "a good father" to these kids because they are under his nose. Once the same issues that pop up that led to divorce the two previous times...the children from the new marriage will be out of sight/mind too.
You really don't get fresh starts in this life. Some people believe you do but you don't. Leopards don't change their spots. If I were new wife I would be banking cash instead of going on vacation... This guy doesn't sound like he is wealthy.. supporting 3 families in any way reasonable way will be impossible. |
Anonymous
| My ex is great with my kids but once he is gone, the kids are gone from his mind. In my world, where there's a will, there's a way. He makes virtually no effort at all to see my kids. It's all on me. But he absolutely loooooooooves his new family. He finally got the son he always wanted and he isn't shy about posting photos on FB and gushing about his son. He will go out of his way to make time and spend money to visit his son (he and his 2nd wife are separated) but he really doesn't lift a finger to do anything for our girls. It used to bother me but not so much anymore. I would stay far, far away from a man who doesn't make the effort to visit his kids. Of course, it would always be issues with the mother of the kids. But I bend over backwards to make it easy for him to visit but he can't be bothered. |
Anonymous
| no |
Anonymous
| Hopefully his current wife and kids can enjoy it while it lasts. |
Anonymous
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Not all absent dads are absent by choice. My DH is a crappy dad to kid #1 because of his nightmarishly bad relationship with the ex wife. He tried for years to maintain the relationship but she threw up roadblock after roadblock and it's pretty much a lost cause now with the kid old enough to remember all the times he didn't come through and young enough not to care why he didn't. He is great with our kid. This doesn't sound like OP's friend's situation, but thought I would mention it.
People aren't simple. |
Anonymous
Hmmmmmmmmmm |
Anonymous
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Your friend's DH is an ass
Your friend is an even bigger one for excusing and enai g is ass-ish-ness!!! |
Anonymous
my thought exactly. |
Anonymous
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I love my father very much but for years he was never around and my mother did everything. Then his traveling gradually tapered off, my mother became handicapped and he took her place - sewed my costume for the school play, made my lunches, cooked and cleaned, etc. What can I say? Life is complicated. |
Anonymous
Yeah I know how it sounds. I took a risk in choosing the partner I did. It's paying off so far (we're farther into our marriage than they were). You took a risk with your choice of partner, too. You just don't know what it is yet. |
Anonymous
| Once is a fluke, twice is a pattern. |
Anonymous
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So sad for the kids from #1 and #2. They are going to grow up knowing they are second or third class citizens.
To answer your question, no, you can be absent and fantastic. |
Anonymous
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He will never be a great father unless it is convenient for him. I married one of these guys. When they are "in", they are great. But as soon as the fun subsides, they move on.
Clearly he does not make his kids a priority. On the upside, he will be an easier ex husband. The less involved they are, the less demanding they are. |
Anonymous
| You can be a good father to a different child, but it will hurt the first children all the more to witness it. |