Don't stay together "for the kids"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand, I can't think of a single reason better to do anything than for the kids. If your marriage is simply lackluster and takes work, do it. Your kids don't care about you following your bliss. If you can't do the work or work would not help, then by all means, divorce. But know that barring abuse, mental or physical or addiction or infidelity, it is a sub optimal choice.

I unfortunately can identify with many of the reasons in the article. Because of that I feel very strongly about NOT staying together "for the kids". That doesn't mean you cut bait at the first sign of trouble. I think you work on the marriage and you work on yourself and you may feel a stronger incentive to do both "for the sake of the kids". But if both sides can't agree that it is worth trying to fix the marriage, I just don't see how people can compartmentalize and "be happy" when you know the other person doesn't want to be married to you any longer and may be living his/her life as a single person while married. I think it is the rare person that will put their kids first meaning no outside relationship, no taking out unhappiness or frustrations on kids, no putting kids in the middle, putting on a happy face and co-parenting well when they don't want to be married anymore and are staying married for the kids. I think if both parties were capable of that type of behavior, short of sexual attraction, they could have improved the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one area of life that defies most generalizations. Shitty parents are shitty parents whether divorced or together. Kids will be adversely affected by a bad environment whether the parents are married or divorced.

Most people would agree that a healthy two parent household is the best environment for kids. But that isn't always the case and sometimes divorce has to be considered or is the only option.

Parents that can manage a civil divorce and work together to create a parenting plan that keeps the needs of the kids first and foremost will have a better chance at raising healthy kids. The adverse effects of a divorce will be minimized for these kids.

The impact of divorce on children is dependent on so many factors, it is impossible to say whether staying married or divorcing is the right answer for everyone. In reality, we are discussing not just divorce, but the overall impact of bad parenting. Bad parents can be married and living together, living apart or divorced.

Yeah - I left my husband just as the emotional abuse was ramping up. I had to. For my sake and my kids'. We have three kids and he was a shitty dad when we were together (cheerful with them, but zero parenting and zero sense of responsibility and gone a lot). True to form, since I left, he's completely checked out on the kids. Co-parenting? I wish. It's more like a death for them. He never calls, never sends $, sees them maybe once a month when I literally give the kids money so they can do an activity with him. It's heartbreaking. So for all you folks who worry about missing your kids 50% of the time, try helping them navigate a deadbeat dad.

Not to derail the thread, but this is awful. He pays no child support? How does he get away with that?

Divorce is not final, so I can't enforce child support yet. Even then, I'm basically on my own. This coming from my lawyer. Sigh. I'll try my best, but deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen unfortunately. And my ex is highly educated, but mentally ill, so can't really hold down a job, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced right after I was finishing up college. They were in their early '50s. I honestly didn't get much of an explanation beyond our relationship is our business and we still love you guys blah blah. They were cordial to each other, but literally went running in opposite directions. Dad retired, did peace corps and does charity work in developing countries. Mom moved to Boca and did the Florida retiree thing with a heavy emphasis on golf and outdoor activity.

They had a decent marriage by all accounts but it is evident 15 years later that they just didn't have the same values beyond raising their kids well. I appreciate that they didn't divorce because financially it would have made them worse for wear and our quality of life suffered.

It took having kids and going through a rough patch to realize that some marriages are best kept together through the child rearing phase because of different priorities. Usually, parents want the best for the kids. That's can be enough to bond someone together for twenty years. But a lifetime is a lot to ask when you just want different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one area of life that defies most generalizations. Shitty parents are shitty parents whether divorced or together. Kids will be adversely affected by a bad environment whether the parents are married or divorced.

Most people would agree that a healthy two parent household is the best environment for kids. But that isn't always the case and sometimes divorce has to be considered or is the only option.

Parents that can manage a civil divorce and work together to create a parenting plan that keeps the needs of the kids first and foremost will have a better chance at raising healthy kids. The adverse effects of a divorce will be minimized for these kids.

The impact of divorce on children is dependent on so many factors, it is impossible to say whether staying married or divorcing is the right answer for everyone. In reality, we are discussing not just divorce, but the overall impact of bad parenting. Bad parents can be married and living together, living apart or divorced.

Yeah - I left my husband just as the emotional abuse was ramping up. I had to. For my sake and my kids'. We have three kids and he was a shitty dad when we were together (cheerful with them, but zero parenting and zero sense of responsibility and gone a lot). True to form, since I left, he's completely checked out on the kids. Co-parenting? I wish. It's more like a death for them. He never calls, never sends $, sees them maybe once a month when I literally give the kids money so they can do an activity with him. It's heartbreaking. So for all you folks who worry about missing your kids 50% of the time, try helping them navigate a deadbeat dad.

Not to derail the thread, but this is awful. He pays no child support? How does he get away with that?

Divorce is not final, so I can't enforce child support yet. Even then, I'm basically on my own. This coming from my lawyer. Sigh. I'll try my best, but deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen unfortunately. And my ex is highly educated, but mentally ill, so can't really hold down a job, so there's that.

Yikes! Sounds like my ex, who was making 6 figures when he had a complete breakdown. He owes me about 40k in back child support. The courts are pretty much no help at all. They just drag him in every 4-6 months and keep letting him pay "what he can", which keeps him out of jail (which was the only motivation for him to find a job after he quit his.) Good luck, and I hope your ex gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one area of life that defies most generalizations. Shitty parents are shitty parents whether divorced or together. Kids will be adversely affected by a bad environment whether the parents are married or divorced.

Most people would agree that a healthy two parent household is the best environment for kids. But that isn't always the case and sometimes divorce has to be considered or is the only option.

Parents that can manage a civil divorce and work together to create a parenting plan that keeps the needs of the kids first and foremost will have a better chance at raising healthy kids. The adverse effects of a divorce will be minimized for these kids.

The impact of divorce on children is dependent on so many factors, it is impossible to say whether staying married or divorcing is the right answer for everyone. In reality, we are discussing not just divorce, but the overall impact of bad parenting. Bad parents can be married and living together, living apart or divorced.

Yeah - I left my husband just as the emotional abuse was ramping up. I had to. For my sake and my kids'. We have three kids and he was a shitty dad when we were together (cheerful with them, but zero parenting and zero sense of responsibility and gone a lot). True to form, since I left, he's completely checked out on the kids. Co-parenting? I wish. It's more like a death for them. He never calls, never sends $, sees them maybe once a month when I literally give the kids money so they can do an activity with him. It's heartbreaking. So for all you folks who worry about missing your kids 50% of the time, try helping them navigate a deadbeat dad.

Not to derail the thread, but this is awful. He pays no child support? How does he get away with that?

Divorce is not final, so I can't enforce child support yet. Even then, I'm basically on my own. This coming from my lawyer. Sigh. I'll try my best, but deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen unfortunately. And my ex is highly educated, but mentally ill, so can't really hold down a job, so there's that.

Holy $#*@! Excuse me for being rude, but this is loser behavior. Many people with mental illness work hard to make good lives for themselves and their families. Does he even think about what he is modeling for his kids?! I hope things improve for you and your children.