Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

Not OP, but the stuff that we must deal with that Life throws at us tends to involve people who are dependents (children) and things on which we are dependent (a paycheck). I have a friend whose DD has a severe disability and who will require support for life. That is something Life threw at my friend and her DH, agreed.

But a MIL? None of us signs up to have our parents dependent on us in the way that OP describes, particularly when they are adults capable of taking care of certain necessary tasks themselves. (I would put driving in that category if OP's MIL does not have easy access to public transportation.)

I would be angry and bitter, myself.

I see your point but I also kind of disagree. For most of human history and in most all cultures, elderly relatives ARE seen as dependents on a family, in increasing degree as they age of course since they are adults too its not the same as having children but its not totally the opposite either. I personally like the idea of a society where taking care of the oldest and the youngest is just something everyone in the middle does. I think its probably healthiest for families too- fosters inter-generational bonds and also might take away some of the hyper-focus on child rearing (since they are your only concern) which isn't necessarily doing each generation any favors. Eventually a corporate culture would catch up too, I would hope. As it is in more collectivist societies.

[Anonymous]

I think lots of you have great viewpoints; I just want to separate that OP is not talking about someone who is to old to drive or got sick or macular degeneration or Alzheimer's. He's talking about someone who chose not to drive (and still chooses that)--someone's choice that is limiting his choices or causing marital pressure to limit his choices.

I find I have lots of patience for relatives/friends that get in a spot when it is beyond their control, vs. relatives/friends that get in a spot that they made themselves and then want to use you/be dependent on you to continue their lifestyle choices. So I am very sympathetic to OP on this one.

Now, on to OP. OP, I do think it's important to reassess the situation--it's not that you can't leave because of your MIL. There are taxis, uber, and I think you said she lives in an area that's mass transit-accessible. Yes, irritatingly enough, this will involve a probably tense conversation with your DW. But I do think the issue is your DW doesn't want to leave her mom, not that you both *can't* leave, and that's important to get out of the shadows and onto the table so you can honestly talk about the real issues affecting all of you.

good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often see posts here asking how would you react to certain family events,issues,etc. Perhaps less of an issue these days, but realize with hindsight how much of an impact the fact that my MIL doesn't drive has impacted our life. My DW has tried to be accommodating all these years and have foregone any moves that would take us out of the area. It has also impacted MIL willingness to move to safer area because she has no mobility. As I start thinking about relocating to avoid winters I realize her lack of mobility traps not only her, it traps me. Perhaps food for thought. When I met my wife she did not drive and I insisted on teaching her as I didn't want the ramifications of a spouse that didn't drive. I wasn't smart enough to realize MIL presented same limitations. You really need to look at your potential spouses family and realize they will be your own.

This isn't really a driving issue, because there are many other ways for someone like this to move around, as others have pointed out. It has more to do with your DW's relationship to her mother and her feeling of obligation to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

OP here. Agree that older drivers present another set of challenges. The issue is not use of mass transit but rather I didn't realize that even at a young age MIL could not live anywhere without mass transit and that meant we could not either nor would DW consider moving out of immediate area. Perhaps stating the obvious but you realize that extended family members life choices become your choices. And someone who doesn't drive, is afraid to drive, is very limiting. But I do get the flip side that you have to be able to take away the keys at some point.

DH and I are happy in the DC area but 100% agreed that if we weren't, it would be a real struggle to move elsewhere since there are a very limited number of places MIL can have a life without a car and they're all super expensive. I know it wasn't the point of your post but I feel like this is one of the real downsides to the U.S. car culture/lack of transit. It forces families to make these unpleasant choices that wouldn't be an issue if we had proper mass transit. (eg when to take away grandma's keys, whether to live somewhere expensive or be grandma's taxi, etc)

I totally agree. My MIL also does not drive. She tried to learn, failed her first driving test, and never tried again. She is self-sufficient, but the problem is that she is poor and the safer areas she can afford to live in within a city are expensive. If she drove, she could move to Ashburn, or some similar less expensive locale, that is safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

Not OP, but the stuff that we must deal with that Life throws at us tends to involve people who are dependents (children) and things on which we are dependent (a paycheck). I have a friend whose DD has a severe disability and who will require support for life. That is something Life threw at my friend and her DH, agreed.

But a MIL? None of us signs up to have our parents dependent on us in the way that OP describes, particularly when they are adults capable of taking care of certain necessary tasks themselves. (I would put driving in that category if OP's MIL does not have easy access to public transportation.)

I would be angry and bitter, myself.

I see your point but I also kind of disagree. For most of human history and in most all cultures, elderly relatives ARE seen as dependents on a family, in increasing degree as they age of course since they are adults too its not the same as having children but its not totally the opposite either. I personally like the idea of a society where taking care of the oldest and the youngest is just something everyone in the middle does. I think its probably healthiest for families too- fosters inter-generational bonds and also might take away some of the hyper-focus on child rearing (since they are your only concern) which isn't necessarily doing each generation any favors. Eventually a corporate culture would catch up too, I would hope. As it is in more collectivist societies.

I don't disagree with you (although that is not my family culture). But OP's MIL is not, from the sounds of it, frail or incapable or demented or otherwise incapacitated such that she must depend on others. She does not need care, other than rides. She chose not to learn to drive, and continues to make that choice.

In OP's shoes, I would be angry and bitter, because the dependency in question here is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

Perhaps...will admit that I feel DW should have placed our marriage first - believe that is the union/relationship that should be the core of the family. Maybe that makes me controlling. Maybe that makes DW/MIL controlling - I guess it comes down to perspective.

I don't see how my DH not driving is downgrading our union/relationship from being the core of the family. Is your car the core of your family?? Or of your love/protectiveness for each other? I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I can't imagine any circumstances in which my DH would not move heaven and earth to be there for me and for our family.\

It seems to me, OP, that you have let driving become some sort of crucible upon which you have hung the greater good of your family and relationship. Why is that? When something takes on so much symbolism, there must be more to it. Do you feel the "load" is not being carried here? Then sit down and really think about it and communicate about it. It's not about a car, is it?

No, it's not about the car or driving. You're not getting it. It's about any issue that might later restrict your future choices that you could have foreseen, but didn't. You are so hung up on defending your non-driving DH and your support of him, you're overlooking OP's point. The issue could be anything and in this case, it just happens to be driving that's triggering OP's limitations. It

op here. Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.

What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?

No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.

[Anonymous]

Relocating to avoid winters?

Pathetic. OP, it seems to me that all your problems could be solved by:
a) putting a sweater on; and
b) stop being such a pussy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relocating to avoid winters?

Pathetic. OP, it seems to me that all your problems could be solved by:
a) putting a sweater on; and
b) stop being such a pussy.

OP here. Thanks for your insights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

OP here. Agree that older drivers present another set of challenges. The issue is not use of mass transit but rather I didn't realize that even at a young age MIL could not live anywhere without mass transit and that meant we could not either nor would DW consider moving out of immediate area. Perhaps stating the obvious but you realize that extended family members life choices become your choices. And someone who doesn't drive, is afraid to drive, is very limiting. But I do get the flip side that you have to be able to take away the keys at some point.

DH and I are happy in the DC area but 100% agreed that if we weren't, it would be a real struggle to move elsewhere since there are a very limited number of places MIL can have a life without a car and they're all super expensive. I know it wasn't the point of your post but I feel like this is one of the real downsides to the U.S. car culture/lack of transit. It forces families to make these unpleasant choices that wouldn't be an issue if we had proper mass transit. (eg when to take away grandma's keys, whether to live somewhere expensive or be grandma's taxi, etc)

I totally agree. My MIL also does not drive. She tried to learn, failed her first driving test, and never tried again. She is self-sufficient, but the problem is that she is poor and the safer areas she can afford to live in within a city are expensive. If she drove, she could move to Ashburn, or some similar less expensive locale, that is safe.

op here. That is part of it as well - definitely similar dynamic. And won't move in with us, have her own suite,etc. because rightfully doesn't want to be isolated in suburbia and lose her privacy so by default we agree never to move to accommodate her lifestyle. When you take a step back, you get to the point, its asinine. And that is lesson I am trying to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

Not OP, but the stuff that we must deal with that Life throws at us tends to involve people who are dependents (children) and things on which we are dependent (a paycheck). I have a friend whose DD has a severe disability and who will require support for life. That is something Life threw at my friend and her DH, agreed.

But a MIL? None of us signs up to have our parents dependent on us in the way that OP describes, particularly when they are adults capable of taking care of certain necessary tasks themselves. (I would put driving in that category if OP's MIL does not have easy access to public transportation.)

I would be angry and bitter, myself.

I see your point but I also kind of disagree. For most of human history and in most all cultures, elderly relatives ARE seen as dependents on a family, in increasing degree as they age of course since they are adults too its not the same as having children but its not totally the opposite either. I personally like the idea of a society where taking care of the oldest and the youngest is just something everyone in the middle does. I think its probably healthiest for families too- fosters inter-generational bonds and also might take away some of the hyper-focus on child rearing (since they are your only concern) which isn't necessarily doing each generation any favors. Eventually a corporate culture would catch up too, I would hope. As it is in more collectivist societies.

op here. I agree that we have an obligation as parents age but I'm hindsight not when they are healthy and working. Perhaps you left your adult children live a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think lots of you have great viewpoints; I just want to separate that OP is not talking about someone who is to old to drive or got sick or macular degeneration or Alzheimer's. He's talking about someone who chose not to drive (and still chooses that)--someone's choice that is limiting his choices or causing marital pressure to limit his choices.

I find I have lots of patience for relatives/friends that get in a spot when it is beyond their control, vs. relatives/friends that get in a spot that they made themselves and then want to use you/be dependent on you to continue their lifestyle choices. So I am very sympathetic to OP on this one.

Now, on to OP. OP, I do think it's important to reassess the situation--it's not that you can't leave because of your MIL. There are taxis, uber, and I think you said she lives in an area that's mass transit-accessible. Yes, irritatingly enough, this will involve a probably tense conversation with your DW. But I do think the issue is your DW doesn't want to leave her mom, not that you both *can't* leave, and that's important to get out of the shadows and onto the table so you can honestly talk about the real issues affecting all of you.

good luck, OP!

Agree. I may be not getting something but it strikes me that if MIL has mass transit why does her daughter need to stay in the area? It would be more of a problem if MIL lived in an area without mass transit and had to rely on her daughter to get around. If it's a matter of being old and needing a family member nearby, you have that problem whether or not MIL knows how to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relocating to avoid winters?

Pathetic. OP, it seems to me that all your problems could be solved by:
a) putting a sweater on; and
b) stop being such a pussy.

OP here. Thanks for your insights.

Well, you need to get over yourself. You have no real reason to move, you probably don't even want to move. You do, however, want to pick a random fight with your spouse over something that cannot be helped and that in the big scheme of things is pretty trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think lots of you have great viewpoints; I just want to separate that OP is not talking about someone who is to old to drive or got sick or macular degeneration or Alzheimer's. He's talking about someone who chose not to drive (and still chooses that)--someone's choice that is limiting his choices or causing marital pressure to limit his choices.

I find I have lots of patience for relatives/friends that get in a spot when it is beyond their control, vs. relatives/friends that get in a spot that they made themselves and then want to use you/be dependent on you to continue their lifestyle choices. So I am very sympathetic to OP on this one.

Now, on to OP. OP, I do think it's important to reassess the situation--it's not that you can't leave because of your MIL. There are taxis, uber, and I think you said she lives in an area that's mass transit-accessible. Yes, irritatingly enough, this will involve a probably tense conversation with your DW. But I do think the issue is your DW doesn't want to leave her mom, not that you both *can't* leave, and that's important to get out of the shadows and onto the table so you can honestly talk about the real issues affecting all of you.

good luck, OP![/quote!

OP here. Thank you this is thoughtful and helpful. Agreed DW doesn't want to leave MIL and I think MIL played it to the hilt. Frankly she was smart and knew her limitations and I think somewhat selfishly played her daughter. There needed to be an open dialog. But MIL was very controlling of DW so that is probably why I posted. Its a life lesson; you get married, start a life, and any IL wants to set parameters it should be viewed as red flag. There is definitely a lesson here somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.

What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?

No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.

If she can get around because she lives in an urban area, then why does her not driving limit you?