Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive

[Anonymous]

Often see posts here asking how would you react to certain family events,issues,etc. Perhaps less of an issue these days, but realize with hindsight how much of an impact the fact that my MIL doesn't drive has impacted our life. My DW has tried to be accommodating all these years and have foregone any moves that would take us out of the area. It has also impacted MIL willingness to move to safer area because she has no mobility. As I start thinking about relocating to avoid winters I realize her lack of mobility traps not only her, it traps me. Perhaps food for thought. When I met my wife she did not drive and I insisted on teaching her as I didn't want the ramifications of a spouse that didn't drive. I wasn't smart enough to realize MIL presented same limitations. You really need to look at your potential spouses family and realize they will be your own.

[Anonymous]

Sort of similar with my SIL, who doesn't drive (still don't know the reason why she stopped driving), and I ended up being on call with her for appointments, some errands, and some (not that super serious) emergencies. I cut that cord, but she never once offered to pay for gas, or something small like that.

I agree it's important to realize how deep you may get involved having someone rely on you, before it may build resentment.

[Anonymous]

More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

OP here. Agree that older drivers present another set of challenges. The issue is not use of mass transit but rather I didn't realize that even at a young age MIL could not live anywhere without mass transit and that meant we could not either nor would DW consider moving out of immediate area. Perhaps stating the obvious but you realize that extended family members life choices become your choices. And someone who doesn't drive, is afraid to drive, is very limiting. But I do get the flip side that you have to be able to take away the keys at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sort of similar with my SIL, who doesn't drive (still don't know the reason why she stopped driving), and I ended up being on call with her for appointments, some errands, and some (not that super serious) emergencies. I cut that cord, but she never once offered to pay for gas, or something small like that.

I agree it's important to realize how deep you may get involved having someone rely on you, before it may build resentment.

Exactly. Or how much you start to "own" their decisions, esp. the poor ones.

[Anonymous]

?

My mother does not drive, has a chronic illness which impedes her mobility and the Atlantic ocean is between us.

We all have our reasons for doing what we do.

[Anonymous]

The issue is less that your mil won't drive, but more that your dew won't live away from her.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, agree with PP that the issue is not your MIL not driving, it's you and your wife's weirdly coddling behavior.

She's an adult. She can take the bus, train, or a taxi if she needs to go somewhere. If you really think you are "stuck" in DC because your MIL won't drive, you and your wife need therapy.

Move where you want and stop pretending this is the thing that's stopping you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

OP here. Agree that older drivers present another set of challenges. The issue is not use of mass transit but rather I didn't realize that even at a young age MIL could not live anywhere without mass transit and that meant we could not either nor would DW consider moving out of immediate area. Perhaps stating the obvious but you realize that extended family members life choices become your choices. And someone who doesn't drive, is afraid to drive, is very limiting. But I do get the flip side that you have to be able to take away the keys at some point.

DH and I are happy in the DC area but 100% agreed that if we weren't, it would be a real struggle to move elsewhere since there are a very limited number of places MIL can have a life without a car and they're all super expensive. I know it wasn't the point of your post but I feel like this is one of the real downsides to the U.S. car culture/lack of transit. It forces families to make these unpleasant choices that wouldn't be an issue if we had proper mass transit. (eg when to take away grandma's keys, whether to live somewhere expensive or be grandma's taxi, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often see posts here asking how would you react to certain family events,issues,etc. Perhaps less of an issue these days, but realize with hindsight how much of an impact the fact that my MIL doesn't drive has impacted our life. My DW has tried to be accommodating all these years and have foregone any moves that would take us out of the area. It has also impacted MIL willingness to move to safer area because she has no mobility. As I start thinking about relocating to avoid winters I realize her lack of mobility traps not only her, it traps me. Perhaps food for thought. When I met my wife she did not drive and I insisted on teaching her as I didn't want the ramifications of a spouse that didn't drive. I wasn't smart enough to realize MIL presented same limitations. You really need to look at your potential spouses family and realize they will be your own.

i appreciate your thoughtfulness. but at some point you have to make choices best for your family. sometimes this involves outsourcing...perhaps a health aide/helper that can drive, run errands with your mom.

[Anonymous]

This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.

What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?

[Anonymous]

Really? Wife here with an elderly MIL who had to stop driving last year. I would never consider moving away from this area in part because my elderly MIL would be alone without her family. She isn't my favorite person and I don't go out of my way to see her, but we won't move as long as she is alive and living here.

[Anonymous]

My MIL developed macular degeneration and it progressed rapidly. Since everyone worked and I didn't, it fell to me to make sure during the day she got where she needed to be, got what she need to have and to check on her daily.

A few hours a week didn't kill me and in the whole scheme of life, I felt it was a small thing to do but then I'm not selfish and deep in my heart she would have done the same for me had the tables been turned. Cancer got her 5 years later.

Maybe your wife likes her mother more than she likes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL developed macular degeneration and it progressed rapidly. Since everyone worked and I didn't, it fell to me to make sure during the day she got where she needed to be, got what she need to have and to check on her daily.

A few hours a week didn't kill me and in the whole scheme of life, I felt it was a small thing to do but then I'm not selfish and deep in my heart she would have done the same for me had the tables been turned. Cancer got her 5 years later.

Maybe your wife likes her mother more than she likes you.

OP here. Probably