My son is always badly behaved at school

[Anonymous]

Please have full-scale Psych-Ed testing done immediately. This is expensive but I'm not sure you have a choice. You need to figure out the underlying cause of the issue; there is one. I totally understand how stressful this is for all of you, but now is the time to figure it out. If you have a therapist they should be able to help you find a good testing psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please, take care of this. We have a boy in our class like that (3rd grade as well). My dd came home crying several times because of his rude behavior. Was he always like this? How do you re-enforce positive behavior at home and good manners? It is never too late to teach the child.

I find they fall into 3 categories:

1) Entitled parents (do nothing and don't care; think kid is superior);
2) Oblivious/or tired parents (refuse to believe there is a real problem-or too lazy to discipline)
3) the kid really has a true condition and the parents are trying but can't find proper diagnosis or relief.

At our school it is almost always #1--especially when multiple siblings are the same.

My heart goes out to those in #3.

[Anonymous]

In Step counseling social skills group therapy - they're excellent.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

NP. I think part of the problem is that these days, there are too many parents that don't discipline their kids for bad behavior at school. Should parents just assume all kids that behave this way have SN/LD? Unless you are willing to let the other parents know that your child has SN/LD, it is also not fair to other parents to pardon said child. But, I know a lot of parents have the MYOB attitude about letting other parents know about their LD/SN kids, so I don't know what you expect other parents to do. We are talking about kids that physically hurt other kids, here. That's a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

PP, I totally get where you're coming from, but please try to see this from the point of view of the parents of the 20+ other kids in your DC's class. We hear this story from one side only, and that is the (often distorted) reports from our kids. When they come home in tears and with reports of being hit or shoved by the same child repeatedly, wouldn't your first reaction be, "why can't the school keep my kid safe from that child?"

We may not know you. We don't know that you have rules at home, we certainly don't know the medical situation, we aren't told anything by the school because of well-intended "privacy concerns." This is an unfortunate consequence of the detached world we live in. We have no idea how you're raising your child; all we see is the end result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

I'm a new poster. I DO have that child- or did. And yes, the judgement from others was intolerable. I completely understand where you are coming from. You love your child, but having to deal with the problems all the time is so hard. For us, we also could not drop him off for any parties or playdates, had differing opinions about medicine, and had constant communication from the school, all of which put a huge strain on our marriage. Then you try medicine and people judge that, too. Really it is a no win situation.

All that being said, I always always always felt horrible for the other kids in his class. I tried to be as open as possible and MOST people were very kind and understanding that least to my face- I knew they talked behind my back...) in return.

My son's diagnosis was also anxiety. It is very hard for others to understand how horribly children react because most adults with anxiety do not react in the same way.

I wish you the best of luck. Push the school for more support. Also, you probably have already, but if not get a full neuropsych to look for other issues that might need to be dealt with such as ADHD.

Stay strong and try to find some other parents who have also dealt with it so that you have a sounding board.

[Anonymous]

OP, finding the right combo of medication for our anxiety-that-presents-as-aggression child with autism was life changing. I would get a second opinion from
a reputable child psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear this. I am a middle school teacher, and all I can say is that if you are regularly in touch with the principal it is really serious at the school level. I would definitely bring it up with the pediatrician and have a full behavioral assessment. Something is not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My child is in middle school now, but we dealt with a few classmates over the years like your son. Those families are typically pariahs at school so if your son is not being frozen out and excluded, he will be soon unless his behavior changes. You will be given the cold shoulder as well as any younger siblings.

I would strongly recommend that you talk with other parents about your frustrations and discuss openly the things you are doing to work on the situation -- like specifically describe what evaluations you are seeking and what therapies you are doing. The families in your sons grade who know who he is and ask that their child not be placed in his class, sat next to him in class, and ask for him not to be in their kid's field trip group all think you are doing nothing. If you have any hope of hanging on there, communicate all that you are doing with him.

What an awful school community. Which school is this so we can avoid it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

I hope you understand that children are not born with behavior issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

I hope you understand that children are not born with behavior issues.

Unfortunately, some ARE born with disorders that have behavioral consequences. I admire parents who are have done their research and partnered with their medical team and the school to manage their child's disorder. However having spent several years at an elementary school, I can tell you these parents are in the minority. Most parents of children with behavioral issues do not realize how bad they are, and have no clue how to go about treating them. Hence the resentment by everybody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a child with behavioral issues, you have no idea what it's like. The condescending attitude from other "helpful" parents is the worst. Yes, we have rules at home and are consistent with discipline, yes he is on medication and sees a psychiatrist, yes we are doing everything we possibly can to help. We love our child just as much as you love yours. To assume that we're not working on his problem and to shun us socially is just mean.

I hope you understand that children are not born with behavior issues.
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I hope YOU understand that the child was not born with behavior problems, he was born with an anxiety disorder that is presenting itself with bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My child is in middle school now, but we dealt with a few classmates over the years like your son. Those families are typically pariahs at school so if your son is not being frozen out and excluded, he will be soon unless his behavior changes. You will be given the cold shoulder as well as any younger siblings.

I would strongly recommend that you talk with other parents about your frustrations and discuss openly the things you are doing to work on the situation -- like specifically describe what evaluations you are seeking and what therapies you are doing. The families in your sons grade who know who he is and ask that their child not be placed in his class, sat next to him in class, and ask for him not to be in their kid's field trip group all think you are doing nothing. If you have any hope of hanging on there, communicate all that you are doing with him.

What an awful school community. Which school is this so we can avoid it?

I agree! Now we're talking adults with behavior problems?

I have a child who has behavior problems. I have every parenting book out there, have seen many theraipsts, etc. etc. Guess what. There are limits to how much one person can control another person. It cracks me up how parents of decently behaved kids give their own parenting and discipline techniques so much credit for their kids behavior. If my child wasn't born with certain challenges he would be like that too. Has nothing to do with discipline at home. Give me a break.

And come to think of it, despite my child's behavior problems, I don't think I have been shunned. Good people are usually understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks. To clarify, he hasn't been eating other students. He's only 8 and doesn't even like girls yet.

He's very verbal but the anxiety and frustration seem to be the root cause. We've had some testing done. His school hasn't done a behavior assessment although we've talked extensively on strategies and such, with the therapist going in several times as well. I'm in there about every other week. Luckily my employer has given me time off to take care of this stuff because it is taking a huge chunk of time lately.

OP, please get a neuropsych evaluation asap. It might be anxiety or something else going on or in addition the anxiety.