I left my toxic marriage- YOU CAN TOO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is a tool to him and when she's alone with him she is at the mercy of his disorder. He can't see her as a person that must be cared for. He sees her as something that exists in relation to the mess of his twisted-up feelings and self-image and needs. She is a child and has little defense against this. Heck, it's hard for an adult to deal with BPD people, which is why you saved your neck. I know you're desperate to protect your child, and I fear you may be throwing her to the wolves by leaving her alone with him. Sadly, courts don't protect children from emotional abuse the way they do from physical abuse.

I think you should do all you can to limit her time with him, and do not put her through family therapy where he can know anything she says or feels about him. You're going to spend a lot of time and money trying to keep up with undoing the toxins he feeds her with every visit.

When my husband was a child, his BPD father used to have visitation with him, and would manipulate and guilt and shame the boy. The boy grew up feeling everything was his fault, full of shame, full of self-hate, and with a load of BPD traits.

Because children internalize the voices of their parents.

I wish you luck and strength, OP. It's going to be a long battle.

Thank you for understanding. I am prepared for an ever evolving situation. I agree completely that he sees her as a posession and not a person. My reason for going to this one therapist this one time is that he agreed to go weeks ago at his psychiatric appointment. The aim was to discuss what is best for our kid. Well, so much for that. I told DD no more of that.

I do have a therapist for myself and it worked well when I brought her along. She is wanting to talk to him again. So Im going to do that. He is very experienced with kids, which I didnt know when I found him for me. So that lined up well.

He was very validating to her. I have been talking to her a long time about her fathers anger, which is how it began, and he was being treated for depression and we were all open and honest about that, including DH. But the real nightmare began when the pills made him less likely to spike in his anger and instead became a near constant hostile seething.

I will absolutely do everything legally and otherwise possible to keep their time to a minimum. Luckily, so far, he doesnt use that time to talk to her about issues, except that one time because he was angry. But otherwise her main discomfort with him is that he seems "off".

I am sick with worry but that does noone any good. I have to keep it together and just keep my hands on the steering wheel, and look out for obstacles ahead as they appear.

Im heartbroken for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pathetic update: I cant go into details, because I would not put it past him to troll this forum, but in just two weeks he has managed to attempt to manipulate our daughter against me, yelling at her for telling me something that happened that made her uncomfortable, and grilling her about something she said in family therapy which was just expressing concern for him.

He has no shame.

And this is just the beginning.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I really recommend NAMI's "Family to Family" course. It meets once a week for a couple of hours and goes for 12 weeks. Reviews all the major mental illnesses (Bipolar, major depression, schizophrenia, OCD and PTSD and sometimes Borderline as well, depending on who is teaching) in terms of causes, symptoms, treatments and ways the family is impacted. Really helps develop compassion and understanding for the mentally ill loved one while at the same time supporting safe boundaries for family members. Take it by yourself and then consider having your daughter take it with you the second time round. NAMI also has support groups for family members.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the recommendation. That sounds excellent.

I know its all still new and fresh but it feels like even in his absence he calls the shots because he is the black hole sucking things in. I need to manage that better. I have good days and bad days. Today is not a great day, but it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. You can not control the actions of your ex. You can only try to control your reactions to them. I came out of a similar relationship. I understand the complicating factors of dealing with visitation with someone who is not completely stable.

I wish I could say that it gets easier, but it really doesn't. The one thing that does improve, though, is that his actions, manipulations, and antics will have less of an impact over time as everyone realizes what is going on.

I am so glad your daughter is getting therapy to talk and understand her feelings. It is great for her to have someone she can talk to that can try to be objective.

[Anonymous]

Props OP! I did the same thing. Tough as hell to walk, but absolutely the best thing for me.

Props to all the other women out there that effectively say,

"Enough is enough, I'm worth so much more than the passive/aggressive abusive behavior you fling my way. Tootles!"

[Anonymous]

Also - my daughter had a really hard time with my divorce. However, getting her to therapy was the best thing ever. Now she can be completely honest with me on how she's feeling about anything. I'm proud that I can give her that.

(Contrast that when she's with her Dad, any feeling of bad, sad, anger, etc isn't valid at all. She tells me "But mom, I can't talk to Dad". Yep, me neither )) )