I left my toxic marriage- YOU CAN TOO!

[Anonymous]

Ive posted many times on this forum about my verbally/emotionally abusive DH who also physically bullied me (not hitting but menacing/threatening). We have been married 20 years, were teenage friends, and enjoyed a few good years at the outset. We have an 8 year old daughter

After struggling with trying to figure out WHAT HAPPENED to the guy I married or what his diagnosis was, after much counseling and lots of weird recurring behaviors and gradually more nasty treatment, especially after our baby was born, I had a moment in time where I realized this is it. He had verbally attacked me in front of our daughter for the first time, but he made it a doozy- accusing me of flirting and charging at me for the last time ever.

Therapists somehow missed the abusive pattern, the psychiatrists missed his worst features, and it took a social worker's clues and my own research to nail that I was dealing with a BPD spouse.

I thought I could not tell anyone. I thought I had no place to go. I ended up telling some moms at a playground and then my father and stepmom about what was going on. And everything changed.

Now I am sitting in my house without him. Its a long story. But I just wanted to tell people on this list who had all helped me so much, and made their best efforts to figure out what was going on, that I have found resolution in terms of a dx and freedom knowing I do not need to save this.

I have no financial means, worked as an unpaid assistant for my DH's business, etc, and with ALL the uncertainty I face I DONT CARE ONE WHIT about that, because the ONLY certainty that matters is that I DONT HAVE TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY IN THAT TOXIC MARRIAGE.

Strength, perseverence, knowing I did not deserve this, and support from non professionals, as well as a new professional. All these factored into me being able to so what at one time seemed TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU HAVE CHOICES. You may just need to look again.

[Anonymous]

Yay OP! I am so happy for you! Hug to you!


It might be a hard road ahead but you are now FREE. That is what counts. I am so excited for you!

[Anonymous]

Good Hon. I'm proud of you. You saved yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

Oops! My GIF didnt work! Have another one!

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much. I am so happy. Now I have to of course protect my kid now that we share custody and such. The separation is just two weeks old. He told his family a whitewashed bullshit version that we are amicably separated and working to show our daughter this is for the best. The REAL truth is I spent MONTHS preparing DD for something that, once it happened, he spent 1/2 hour in a phone call talking to her about it.

Thank goodness she knows he is off his rocker. I have a therapist lined up for her for next week- someone I have seen a few times and I want to make sure I provide her with all resources.

He has moved into some rich bachelor friends mansion. He is all a-twitter about how he is going to "spread his wings".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much. I am so happy. Now I have to of course protect my kid now that we share custody and such. The separation is just two weeks old. He told his family a whitewashed bullshit version that we are amicably separated and working to show our daughter this is for the best. The REAL truth is I spent MONTHS preparing DD for something that, once it happened, he spent 1/2 hour in a phone call talking to her about it.

Thank goodness she knows he is off his rocker. I have a therapist lined up for her for next week- someone I have seen a few times and I want to make sure I provide her with all resources.

He has moved into some rich bachelor friends mansion. He is all a-twitter about how he is going to "spread his wings".

Good for you, OP. I think you will find life so much easier now that this albatross is gone from your neck.

[Anonymous]

Happy for you, OP. Wishing you all the best for the future!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much. I am so happy. Now I have to of course protect my kid now that we share custody and such. The separation is just two weeks old. He told his family a whitewashed bullshit version that we are amicably separated and working to show our daughter this is for the best. The REAL truth is I spent MONTHS preparing DD for something that, once it happened, he spent 1/2 hour in a phone call talking to her about it.

Thank goodness she knows he is off his rocker. I have a therapist lined up for her for next week- someone I have seen a few times and I want to make sure I provide her with all resources.

He has moved into some rich bachelor friends mansion. He is all a-twitter about how he is going to "spread his wings".

Just don't poison her against her father. You should be trying to facilitate a good relationship between them. She needs to know and believe that he loves her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much. I am so happy. Now I have to of course protect my kid now that we share custody and such. The separation is just two weeks old. He told his family a whitewashed bullshit version that we are amicably separated and working to show our daughter this is for the best. The REAL truth is I spent MONTHS preparing DD for something that, once it happened, he spent 1/2 hour in a phone call talking to her about it.

Thank goodness she knows he is off his rocker. I have a therapist lined up for her for next week- someone I have seen a few times and I want to make sure I provide her with all resources.

He has moved into some rich bachelor friends mansion. He is all a-twitter about how he is going to "spread his wings".

Just don't poison her against her father. You should be trying to facilitate a good relationship between them. She needs to know and believe that he loves her.

Op here. Yes, I always have made sure that she knows loving him is right and good. However, he was also diagnosed with depression and was on meds, and was being "treated" for the anger. So my message was always "Daddy is not well. He is getting help for his anger. We can love and support Daddy while he gets better". So now the message is "Daddy is still working on getting better. You dont need to do anything but love him. That is the best medicine." However, she also knows that if he says/does something weird, she can talk to me about it.

She is with him now for three days. I think he stands a chance at being a better dad now that he has concentrated time and several days off. He was not up to the task of full time parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP again. He does love her. However, he also began f***ing with her mind and it bothered her alot. So I had to explain he does love her, but sometimes he says things in odd ways because he is not well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He does love her. However, he also began f***ing with her mind and it bothered her alot. So I had to explain he does love her, but sometimes he says things in odd ways because he is not well.

Same thing happened to me with my mom and dad. Kids are smart. If anything it is a relief to hear, "its not my fault Dad is being mean to me, I'm not a horrible person." It leads to a much healthier self image. Like I said, Kids are smart and they know whats going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He does love her. However, he also began f***ing with her mind and it bothered her alot. So I had to explain he does love her, but sometimes he says things in odd ways because he is not well.

Same thing happened to me with my mom and dad. Kids are smart. If anything it is a relief to hear, "its not my fault Dad is being mean to me, I'm not a horrible person." It leads to a much healthier self image. Like I said, Kids are smart and they know whats going on.

I am glad to have found a therapist to take her to. We will go together to just talk. She is aware. And very advanced spiritually. but the therapist pointed out its frightening for kids to have a parent be mentally ill. It forces them to grow up faster. I already see this. And I want to make sure that as little of her innocence is lost as possible.

[Anonymous]

BRAVO, OP, You are very strong and brave.

I did it too. My ex is not well either. My life is not perfect, but it is a million times better than it was when I was married, and I am so thankful for a second chance at happiness.

My ex won some time with our children - including some overnights. He is on his best behavior with them generally, after messing with their heads originally. I hope the same happens in your situation.

My children are doing incredibly well. They were evaluated by a child custody evaluator (upon my request) and he said they were doing shockingly well. (In reality, though, during the evaluation, I observed some anxiety in both children - he missed it. The good news is that they've worked though it with the help of a great psychologist and they're REALLY doing amazing now.

Your daughter will be fine with all the support you are getting her. One steady, stable, loving and dedicated parent is all that children need, given every study. If you are worried, read the book How Children Succeed:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/26/books/review/how-children-succeed-by-paul-tough.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

And don't spend too much time here on DCUM. Keep your old friends, but make new ones who are divorced. They will show you the way.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Sorry for all the typos. I was typing fast!

[Anonymous]

I am so happy for you and your daughter OP!