please help me write a clever online dating profile

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister is having the same issue(s).

It may not necessarily be your dating profile, but rather the dating WEBSITE that you are using to find a suitable mate.

She is using free dating websites and I am advising her to look into some of the ones that require you to pay to join because in my opinion, people who are more serious-minded about meeting someone and are looking for a more mature and serious relationship are more willing to invest money into their search vs. creepy and loser guys who just want to get laid.

Food for thought.

Good luck!~

[Anonymous]

"One of the guys was very recently divorced when we met and it was clear (and understandable) after a few months he wanted to date around. Another one was a 45 year old never married guy who seemed to like the dating scene - he was hard to schedule dates with because he was always 'busy'. The last guy was divorced eight years ago and has a teenage daughter. He told me he did not want to date exclusively until she was out of high school. He wanted sex with me but was not into me at all."

OP - I'm a divorced mom in the dating world. Sounds like you need to be more selective. Unless I wanted sex, I would not date someone just a few months after his divorce. And wouldn't date a never-married mid-40s guy unless he seems like he was a really good fit, and even then wouldn't sleep with him until I learned a lot more (again, unless I really just wanted sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the profile, its the men. And you've been out of the dating scene for a while, so you may have a harder time discerning who is serious.

in general, I'd look for men who are divorced/widowed (at your age, the never marrieds all have commitment issues), with kids, and who want to take it slow because they don't have a lot of time either.

then I'd not get too serious with anyone until they seem serious.

also, did they dump you immediately after the first time you had sex? or just after a while? [/quoting

They dumped me after awhile after we had sex, with the exception of one guy who dumped me (didn't have the decency to call or text me) after the second time we had sex. It is a really low feeling. I feel very used and I want to put an end to datling these kinds of guys.

If the last comment is you, OP, you can't "put an end to dating these kinds of guys" - because they are not all the same kind of guy.

You said that one guy dumped you after the second time you had sex without calling or texting. Yes, he sounds like a dirtbag, and I can understand not wanting to date dirtbags. So let's exclude him from the rest of this discussion, and just focus on the other guys, and what you've said.

The others, you say, broke up with you 'awhile' after you had sex. These breakups had nothing to do with the sex. They dated you for months after you started sleeping together, and for whatever reasons found incompatibilities. That's what dating is. No one is obligated to continue to date you indefinitely because you slept with them. They are allowed to change their months after months of getting to know you more.

A guy breaking up with you months after you mutually choose to begin a sexual relationship is not you being used. It's him having the right to decide on how right (or wrong) he thinks you are for his future. If you were younger, or sleeping with men very quickly, I'd say to hold off on sex longer, but you should be mature enough, and it doesn't sound like you're rushing into physical relationships.

Your question and the way you're thinking about this are all wrong. You think if you wrote a different type of profile, you'd get what, a man who will know before he sleeps with you (within a couple of months) that he'll never leave you? That's not how dating works. People are allowed to change their minds, and decide you're not for them, and it doesn't mean they don't want an LTR, or are only looking for sex. If you're feeling so badly (and particularly, as you say, used) after these breakups, I think you need to stop dating altogether for awhile until you're in a different place emotionally.

I say this as a single woman, BTW.

You are right, PP! I think one of the reasons I feel used is that I have no closure from these guys. All of a sudden I stop hearing from them without any warning - they stop all forms of communication with me and leave me hanging. I understand that they might lose interest in me and don't want to date me anymore, however, I feel they are lacking class by not telling me they are done with the relationship. It is one thing if it happened once, but it has happened three times now. These are 40 + year old guys and I would not have expected such behavior from them. I want to stop dating children so I thought changing my profile would help with that.

[Anonymous]

Yea not letting you know they would no longer date you is kind of shady IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea not letting you know they would no longer date you is kind of shady IMO.

That is shady and for interactions as long as you describe, a few months, that isn't really the norm.

[Anonymous]

1-get on a site that requires paying a membership fee. The cheap/free ones gets people looking for cheap free fun.
2-havea friend take GOOD pictures of you. Put some real effort into this. Every guy I know says the pic is the main thing and all the text is kind of secondary
3-have a good headline. People skim these things.
4-improve your self esteem, you may be giving off some desperation OP.
Signed, met my husband on Chemistry,com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1-get on a site that requires paying a membership fee. The cheap/free ones gets people looking for cheap free fun.
2-havea friend take GOOD pictures of you. Put some real effort into this. Every guy I know says the pic is the main thing and all the text is kind of secondary
3-have a good headline. People skim these things.
4-improve your self esteem, you may be giving off some desperation OP.
Signed, met my husband on Chemistry,com

Thanks! Yes, I agree - I may be giving off desperation. Have got to stop! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tinder

Am on Tinder. From my personal experience its all about hooking up!

Uh, yeah. That's the whole point.

Want a meaningful, LTR off the bat? Go to church.

[Anonymous]

OP, was there any indication while dating these guys that they had the capacity to abruptly cease contact in the way that they did? Any red flags that you missed? Not to put the blame on you for the way these relationships ended, but I'm thinking that your profile isn't the issue; as PP said, perhaps you need to be more selective in who you choose to date and become intimate with. Perhaps you are quick to give your heart, and clearly these guys were undeserving of that.

[Anonymous]

A lot of women complain that men always dump them after they start having sex, assuming that men just were using them for sex. I think this is something that women tell themselves, but it doesn't really make sense. Why would they leave if things were great?

I think you are running into what a lot of women run into when they start pushing 40. Eligible single men at that age are typically in a position to be choosy. They are probably dating a lot of women and have nothing to gain by getting stuck in an LTR unless they are smitten.

It sounds cold, but it makes sense from a male perspective. It's just a reversal of how things were when you are in your teens and twenties and are in a position to be choosy with the boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of women complain that men always dump them after they start having sex, assuming that men just were using them for sex. I think this is something that women tell themselves, but it doesn't really make sense. Why would they leave if things were great?

I think you are running into what a lot of women run into when they start pushing 40. Eligible single men at that age are typically in a position to be choosy. They are probably dating a lot of women and have nothing to gain by getting stuck in an LTR unless they are smitten.

It sounds cold, but it makes sense from a male perspective. It's just a reversal of how things were when you are in your teens and twenties and are in a position to be choosy with the boys.

I very much agree with your first sentence. I think the weird thing about OP's situation is the abrupt lack of contact. The fact that the relationships end isn't so surprising, but the way they do is.

[Anonymous]

Nah, it's not a gender thing (men tell me that many women play games too), its an expectation thing. OP - How much effort did these guys make? I'm willing to bet that they got your phone number fairly soon and communicated via text rather than spending time writing thoughtful emails to you, and that they didn't plan (m)any thoughtful or interesting dates. Texting is such a low effort form of communication - it's really easy to interact with someone for a month or two without much effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it's not a gender thing (men tell me that many women play games too), its an expectation thing. OP - How much effort did these guys make? I'm willing to bet that they got your phone number fairly soon and communicated via text rather than spending time writing thoughtful emails to you, and that they didn't plan (m)any thoughtful or interesting dates. Texting is such a low effort form of communication - it's really easy to interact with someone for a month or two without much effort.

OP here. You pretty much nailed it PP! I rarely got a phone call (with the exception of one of the guys) and only communicated via text - and texts were very sporadic. I was the one to plan all the dates because they were too lazy! Very low effort with two out of three of the guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it's not a gender thing (men tell me that many women play games too), its an expectation thing. OP - How much effort did these guys make? I'm willing to bet that they got your phone number fairly soon and communicated via text rather than spending time writing thoughtful emails to you, and that they didn't plan (m)any thoughtful or interesting dates. Texting is such a low effort form of communication - it's really easy to interact with someone for a month or two without much effort.

OP here. You pretty much nailed it PP! I rarely got a phone call (with the exception of one of the guys) and only communicated via text - and texts were very sporadic. I was the one to plan all the dates because they were too lazy! Very low effort with two out of three of the guys.

Well there are your tell tale signs for next time. Zero effort......move on before sleeping with them.

I know when I'm interested in more than just sex, I will put forth the effort. Keep the text conversations going. Maybe call once in a blue moon. And always try to set up dates with the women.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sounds like you're not screening well. You're essentially putting the ball in their court to decide what they want. Guys texting at that age are looking for sex. Men make effort and time when they want you. If you make things too easy (accommodating last minute cancellations, and last minute requests to hangout), it sends a message about you. No guy wants to feel like you would have settled for anyone willing to give you their time. If you want a relationship, the expectations should be on the table before sex. If a guy is noncommital about the future ("I'm just getting out of a bad situation, I really just want to let things happen organically"), walk away. It means less dates, but also less heartbreaks.