12 yr old DS freaking out about a physical exam? WTH!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a serious red flag for sexual abuse. You need to fully investigate this further. I am a physician and please - do not brush this off with your son. Seek professional assistance.

I agree with this, unless, as a PP suggested above, your son got aroused during the palpation and feels humiliated about it. Ask the physician to skip it.

Yes. OP, tell your son now that he will go to the doc but will not have that part of the exam done. And make sure you tell the doc that your son is declining it. People always have the right to decline medical procedures, barring a specifc law to the contrary.

Then you need to ask your son directly if he has ever been touched inappropriately. Say it's your job to keep him safe, and no matter what he says he will not get in trouble. Then be quiet and see what he says. Take his answer calmly, whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

I generally think that your average dr. (so someone w an ok but not extraordinary bedside manner) is more respectful to females than males. If a girl said a breast exam hurt or she wanted to stop, I think every dr. would stop bc they don't want to be insensitive and bc they are concerned about forcing something and being accused. With boys -- I think they do get more of a "get over it" attitude esp from male drs. I think someone is more likely to say "no big deal" or "yeah you hate this, let's get it over with" to a boy who is uncomfortable with an exam than a girl. It stems from the whole -- boys aren't supposed to cry/complain and are supposed to be "tough."

I'm in healthcare (though not a dr.) but I think you can see it in the way boys are treated vs. girls. I've seen situations where a boy is in the room down to his boxers waiting for the dr. and someone realizes they need something from that room -- 99% of the time they'll barge right in and maybe even leave the door wide open as the kid awkwardly sits there. No one would think to do that to a teen girl sitting there in a gown; they'd wait until the room wasn't in use or if they really needed to be in there -- they'd shut the door/pull a curtain etc to be respectful.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- had a long car ride back from an event with DS without DH there, so we actually started talking.

Once we got into it, he told me that he's never been touched down there by anyone except for the exam last yr. Turns out he wasn't expecting that -- just thought they'd look like previous years. So apparently the dr. didn't really give DS a chance to agree to the exam just said "I'm going to do x" and went for it. When DS reacted like "wait ... what, do I have to??" the dr. brushed him off with "no big deal" and "you need to get this done for the sports physical form" kinds of responses.

DS actually said "are all doctors just like dad," and when I asked what that meant he actually said "nothing is ever a big deal to them because they just saw someone worse off this morning." Ouch. I've been annoyed with DH's attitude towards DS -- either DS is picking up on that from me or is old enough that he gets it himself that "man up" is uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- had a long car ride back from an event with DS without DH there, so we actually started talking.

Once we got into it, he told me that he's never been touched down there by anyone except for the exam last yr. Turns out he wasn't expecting that -- just thought they'd look like previous years. So apparently the dr. didn't really give DS a chance to agree to the exam just said "I'm going to do x" and went for it. When DS reacted like "wait ... what, do I have to??" the dr. brushed him off with "no big deal" and "you need to get this done for the sports physical form" kinds of responses.

DS actually said "are all doctors just like dad," and when I asked what that meant he actually said "nothing is ever a big deal to them because they just saw someone worse off this morning." Ouch. I've been annoyed with DH's attitude towards DS -- either DS is picking up on that from me or is old enough that he gets it himself that "man up" is uncalled for.

Hope it works out. The "no big deal" could have been intended to mean to reassure that it's no cause for alarm to do the exam, but the doctor certainly shouldn't suggest that it's no big deal to have one's genitals touched.

With the proper explanation, most boys wouldn't be particularly skittish about this. If they understand the purpose and that they aren't being singled out, it's usually just something to tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a serious red flag for sexual abuse. You need to fully investigate this further. I am a physician and please - do not brush this off with your son. Seek professional assistance.

I work in criminal justice and this was my first response too. Sexual abuse.

That's always everyone's first response on this board. I'm not suggesting that should be ignored but the other stuff mentioned is just much more likely to be true -- embarrassment; physical reaction; a dr who acted like "no big deal" etc.

Maybe, and maybe that's always my reaction because I work in the field. Just going by the OPs post it is hard to tell. We all go with our internal bias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a serious red flag for sexual abuse. You need to fully investigate this further. I am a physician and please - do not brush this off with your son. Seek professional assistance.

What do you mean by this? That the doctor was improper? Or someone else may have abused him?

Not the PP, but could be either.

Or maybe he is uncomfortable about something physical to do with his testicles?

[Anonymous]

I think you need a new doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- had a long car ride back from an event with DS without DH there, so we actually started talking.

Once we got into it, he told me that he's never been touched down there by anyone except for the exam last yr. Turns out he wasn't expecting that -- just thought they'd look like previous years. So apparently the dr. didn't really give DS a chance to agree to the exam just said "I'm going to do x" and went for it. When DS reacted like "wait ... what, do I have to??" the dr. brushed him off with "no big deal" and "you need to get this done for the sports physical form" kinds of responses.

DS actually said "are all doctors just like dad," and when I asked what that meant he actually said "nothing is ever a big deal to them because they just saw someone worse off this morning." Ouch. I've been annoyed with DH's attitude towards DS -- either DS is picking up on that from me or is old enough that he gets it himself that "man up" is uncalled for.

Oh, man, that's not okay. The doctor should make sure that the kid understands what is going to happen before it happens and shouldn't steamroll the patient. (In fact, this doesn't just apply to kid patients -- applies to everyone.) But especially for a teenager who needs to see good models about what consent looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- had a long car ride back from an event with DS without DH there, so we actually started talking.

Once we got into it, he told me that he's never been touched down there by anyone except for the exam last yr. Turns out he wasn't expecting that -- just thought they'd look like previous years. So apparently the dr. didn't really give DS a chance to agree to the exam just said "I'm going to do x" and went for it. When DS reacted like "wait ... what, do I have to??" the dr. brushed him off with "no big deal" and "you need to get this done for the sports physical form" kinds of responses.

DS actually said "are all doctors just like dad," and when I asked what that meant he actually said "nothing is ever a big deal to them because they just saw someone worse off this morning." Ouch. I've been annoyed with DH's attitude towards DS -- either DS is picking up on that from me or is old enough that he gets it himself that "man up" is uncalled for.

This all sounds like a logical explanation to me. Some kids (and adults) are just more sensitive about this stuff and it sounds like he was surprised and embarrassed by last year's palpation. And yeah, "man up" isn't a helpful comment. It's perfectly normal for a 12-year-old to be horribly embarrassed and self-conscious about their changing body. I was and I was equally fussy and anxious about physicals. Poor kid. He'll get through it, and just discuss declining the palpation with the doctor. Your DS surely won't be the first kid with this issue!

[Anonymous]

My DS (10) started giggling when the pediatrician said that she will look at his "privates"

I glared at him and he quipped "What? I am 10. I find such things funny. At least I do not laugh anymore when someone says "poop"."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS (10) started giggling when the pediatrician said that she will look at his "privates"

I glared at him and he quipped "What? I am 10. I find such things funny. At least I do not laugh anymore when someone says "poop"."

LOL. Why the glare though -- I'm sure drs have seen patients giggle about this before; it's what some kids do when they're nervous or embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm glad your son opened up to you. It's good that he knows he can trust you and talk to you. I hope I will have this kind of relationship with my ds when he gets to be your sons age. Mine is only 8 at this point. I hope you get everything worked out, gl op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a serious red flag for sexual abuse. You need to fully investigate this further. I am a physician and please - do not brush this off with your son. Seek professional assistance.

I work in criminal justice and this was my first response too. Sexual abuse.

That's always everyone's first response on this board. I'm not suggesting that should be ignored but the other stuff mentioned is just much more likely to be true -- embarrassment; physical reaction; a dr who acted like "no big deal" etc.

Maybe, and maybe that's always my reaction because I work in the field. Just going by the OPs post it is hard to tell. We all go with our internal bias.

When you're wearing a riot suit, everything looks like a riot. Please dial it down a notch when you come on a parenting board. We don't all need to be alarmed about sexual abuse constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a serious red flag for sexual abuse. You need to fully investigate this further. I am a physician and please - do not brush this off with your son. Seek professional assistance.

I work in criminal justice and this was my first response too. Sexual abuse.

That's always everyone's first response on this board. I'm not suggesting that should be ignored but the other stuff mentioned is just much more likely to be true -- embarrassment; physical reaction; a dr who acted like "no big deal" etc.

Maybe, and maybe that's always my reaction because I work in the field. Just going by the OPs post it is hard to tell. We all go with our internal bias.

When you're wearing a riot suit, everything looks like a riot. Please dial it down a notch when you come on a parenting board. We don't all need to be alarmed about sexual abuse constantly.

+1. Occam's Razor, folks. Adolescents are famously self-conscious about their bodies, and especially about their privates - just like regular adults, but way more so. I don't find OP's son's reaction all that strange, but again, I was like this too because I just found the whole process of physicals so mortifying and violating. I'm just an unusually self-conscious and easily embarrassed person in general, so those visits were a big trial for me.

[Anonymous]

+1. Occam's Razor, folks. Adolescents are famously self-conscious about their bodies, and especially about their privates - just like regular adults, but way more so. I don't find OP's son's reaction all that strange, but again, I was like this too because I just found the whole process of physicals so mortifying and violating. I'm just an unusually self-conscious and easily embarrassed person in general, so those visits were a big trial for me.

++ I am in my 40s, never abused, I recall being 12 and not going through with a physical and refusing to talk to the dr and my mom apologizing for my surliness, I was just embarrassed to death about it, lol, at that age and did not want to disrobe or have embarrassing convos with the doctor or anyone else. Early teen angst or whatever..