Trying to understand my daughter......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she is not ambitious. That can be mysterious or frustrating to parents or other siblings who are.

Just focus on being the best "you" you can be and lead by example, not words. Meanwhile, she will continue to land on her fit, be that through her husband or taint a job when she needs to (not wants to).

+1

I agree with PPs who say that OP is overstepping and micromanaging. However I wouldn't assume that her daughter is happy or fulfilled. This is an anonymous forum and we don't have enough information to know if that's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If money isn't an issue and she is happy, just let her be herself.
You may encourage her to take some courses she like (crafting, flower arrangement, cake decorating, accounting, etc) but don't push. She doesn't have to take college if it is too much for her IMO.
About having kids, that is totally personal choice. She may not like it now but she may think about when she is around 30 or when her friends have kids. You already has grandkids, more or less doesn't make a different. Also stop comparing her with her sibling if you can. I hate it every minutes my mom compared me with other kids she knows. Everyone is different.

OP here and I don't have any grand kids yet. I just think she would make a great mother and her DH would make a great father. If she isn't going to work on a career then why wouldn't she just start a family. I don't understand why she doesn't want kids.

I think this is a natural reaction. We worry about our kids, but in this case, OP, I don't think it's productive. If she's in a kind relationship and finances are fine, it should be okay with or without kids. Give her time, she may gravitate on her own to a path in life. You sound like the kind of mom who would be there for her if things don't go well.

I think you're being a good mom, just don't project your own worries on your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If money isn't an issue and she is happy, just let her be herself.
You may encourage her to take some courses she like (crafting, flower arrangement, cake decorating, accounting, etc) but don't push. She doesn't have to take college if it is too much for her IMO.
About having kids, that is totally personal choice. She may not like it now but she may think about when she is around 30 or when her friends have kids. You already has grandkids, more or less doesn't make a different. Also stop comparing her with her sibling if you can. I hate it every minutes my mom compared me with other kids she knows. Everyone is different.

OP here and I don't have any grand kids yet. I just think she would make a great mother and her DH would make a great father. If she isn't going to work on a career then why wouldn't she just start a family. I don't understand why she doesn't want kids[i].

Because kids require more than someone who's bored. They require a lot of work and dedication and even sacrifice. It's all worth it if that's what you want, but maybe that's not what she wants or what her husband wants. I don't think you should get into that conversation with her.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but OP, if I were your daughter, I might be very reluctant to have kids. Here's why. You are judgmental and condescending: whether or not you think you portray this to your daughter is irrelevant. You feel it, and so it's coming across in one way or another. Having been raised by a mother who was similar in her attitude towards me, I was extremely reluctant to have children because I was *terrified* that I would be a terrible mother, since I had a pretty rotten role model who made mothering all about herself, rather than about a child or a relationship. I ultimately had a child, many years later, many years after insisting I would be childless by choice, but it took a lot of therapy and conversation to help me understand I didn't have to a) listen to my mother and her judgmental statements and b) be a mother like she was to me.

You acknowledge your daughter's challenges in the post, btw. I hope -- truly hope -- you were more supportive of her as she was pursuing her education than you are of her as she is pursuing the next chapter of her life. I suspect, unfortunately, that your perception of your support will differ from your daughter's. Your lenses are pretty clearly clouded vis a vis your ability to see beyond yourself.

I realize I'm being as judgmental here as I'm suggesting OP is; I'm sorry for that. But I'm also sorry for your daughter and her husband. You may love her, as you say, but you clearly don't like her or her choices, and that's sad. How wonderful that she's found someone to love her and like her for who she is, as she is, regardless of her choices......

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to back off.

Not everybody has tons of drive. If she doesn't need the money or mental stimulation, then it's fine. And even if it's not fine, it's not your place to butt in.

I have a ton of learning disabilities by the way. And I don't have kids and won't have any. I don't want to pass this on to anyone else, let alone someone I'd love. School was hell for me. I was severely depressed for 13 years. I'm never going back to school, even if I had psychological care lined up to hold my hands through it. This, with parents who were supportive and tried to help. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she is not ambitious. That can be mysterious or frustrating to parents or other siblings who are.

Just focus on being the best "you" you can be and lead by example, not words. Meanwhile, she will continue to land on her fit, be that through her husband or taint a job when she needs to (not wants to).

+1

I agree with PPs who say that OP is overstepping and micromanaging. However I wouldn't assume that her daughter is happy or fulfilled. This is an anonymous forum and we don't have enough information to know if that's true.

OP said they were extremely happy.

[Anonymous]

Anyone think that OP will actually back off?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she is the angry MIL

[Anonymous]

Op here and I understand what everyone is saying, I'll try to back off. I guess I just feel like she worked so hard in school and then all of a sudden after her first year of college she said she needed a break. I don't know what happened, her grades were great. She then went on to work as a live-in nanny and then later met her husband. I actually really didn't like him when they first started dating because she was the one supporting him, so he could figure out school and his career. They were only dating for 3 months before they moved in together and she started supporting him.

As I said earlier, she had several learning disabilities growing up and I know what is easier for others in school is more difficult for her, but I just think she has so much potential and she is wasting it being a housewife. I guess I am worried about her waking up one day and realizing her life has no meaning. I do hear what everyone is saying though and I do think she is happy right now and I've come to realize her husband is a good guy. I will try to hold my tongue and not give her a hard time on her choices.

[Anonymous]

You are so focused on being "right" about your daughter you don't seem to care if you are close! Isn't that the most important thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I understand what everyone is saying, I'll try to back off. I guess I just feel like she worked so hard in school and then all of a sudden after her first year of college she said she needed a break. I don't know what happened, her grades were great. She then went on to work as a live-in nanny and then later met her husband. I actually really didn't like him when they first started dating because she was the one supporting him, so he could figure out school and his career. They were only dating for 3 months before they moved in together and she started supporting him.

As I said earlier, she had several learning disabilities growing up and I know what is easier for others in school is more difficult for her, but I just think she has so much potential and she is wasting it being a housewife. I guess I am worried about her waking up one day and realizing her life has no meaning. I do hear what everyone is saying though and I do think she is happy right now and I've come to realize her husband is a good guy. I will try to hold my tongue and not give her a hard time on her choices.

We all go through moments like this, no matter how productive we are. If it ends up turning into a difficult time for her, support and guide her through it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're trying to understand your daughter at all. You're trying to dictate to her what you think is best. Not the same thing, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Butt out. She's a grown woman who can make her own choices. She is probably being vague with you because she knows you're dying to shove your opinion down her throat.

This. Life is short. If she can be happy being a housewife and her husband supports it, LET HER. She isn't hurting anyone by staying home. Be grateful that she is happy and healthy. As a mother, that is your job.

[Anonymous]

Op, she still has several learning disabilities, even though she's grown up now. Every single day I bump into mine, and have to work around them or get stuck in some way because of them. She hasn't stopped having them just because she's out of school.

People tell me all the yime ID make a great mother. I will never have kids. I know myself much better than all the people saying it. I get what they're saying - I seem nurturing and kids react positively to me. But there's a ton more to parenting than that.

You don't have to understand what she's doing with her life. Your job now is just to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, she still has several learning disabilities, even though she's grown up now. Every single day I bump into mine, and have to work around them or get stuck in some way because of them. She hasn't stopped having them just because she's out of school.

People tell me all the yime ID make a great mother. I will never have kids. I know myself much better than all the people saying it. I get what they're saying - I seem nurturing and kids react positively to me. But there's a ton more to parenting than that.

You don't have to understand what she's doing with her life. Your job now is just to accept it.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has not worked for the past year. I have no idea what she does with her days. She does have a great husband who supports her and they seem to be extremely happy and have a great relationship. When I ask her what her future plans are she says that she doesn't know. She says she is looking for a job and may go back to school, but she can't decide what she wants to do. When I ask her why it is taking her so long to find a job, she says it's because she does not want to work weekends or nights and there aren't many jobs that allow that without an education. I told her she should take any job she is offered, and she says she spends the weekends and evenings with her DH and doesn't want to take a job she hates. Now her husband adores her and I know he has life insurance, but I still worry about her. She had some learning disabilities growing up, but she overcame so much and graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA while taking AP classes. I know school is hard for her, but I also know she can do it and that she is very smart. What can I do or say to her to get her to do something with her life? At the very least she could become a stay at home mom and give me grand children, but she says they are never going to have kids and love being child free. My other kids are so driven and very successful, but she just seems to have no ambition.....

you are a nightmare and i'm so glad not my mom or mil!

Why am I a nightmare? I just want her to have some purpose in her life. It can be kids or a career, but I think she should do something!

OP, I know it is frustrating to have an adult child who seems to gave little purpose in life and no goals but being a parent takes so much responsibility. If she can't figure out what to do with her life besides be married (to a husband who will probably grow bored with her), she certainly can't handle children. And, god forbid if she has a child with health issues or special needs. Don't push that. Just let her be. You have the "driven and very successful" siblings who can give you grand kids.