Husband's new business tanked, I want to say "Told You so"

[Anonymous]

Dh had a job offer - very good salary (he said a base plus bonus potential could be better)- he was for some reason ippidy and blew the offer- we are now on cobra and i'm the main breadwinner with a fluke p/t job. I grumble constantly on not taking that job since the economy has tanked so drastically since then.. I sort of made a point when it happened but I have to let go- i suggest you do the same thing. it's where you are- don't look back too much- and rubbing it in hurts the relationship..

[Anonymous]

DON'T say "I told you so," though I can see why you would feel angry, frustrated, etc. Maybe while your husband is looking for new work, he can step up his parenting with his newfound free time - explain to him that this is a great opportunity to enrich the kids' lives (and his own) a bit more by spending more time together during the interim period that he's looking for a job.

[Anonymous]

Why would you give him grief? You're on the same side. Honestly, as soon as I started seeing it this way, a lot of the problems in our marriage went away.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I went through this. He used up $50k in equity in our home to support his now failed business. He is trying to find a job in the worst economy in how long?

I tried, when he started down this path, to gently reason with him but he was determined to give it a go. I decided to shut up and support him. I signed the loan docs. Now we are facing bankruptcy and the marriage is in bad shape.

For years, I was the one who paid the bills, provided the insurance, while being the primary care giver and the maid.

All that said, my reaction to his statement that he is now a failure was, "You are only a failure when you give up. Until then, you are a fighter. Keep fighting. Find a job, find a way to support your kids". And he's trying.

[Anonymous]

If you tell him he's a failure, you'll never be able to take those words back. remember who you're talking to, and that you love him. and, remember, it could just as easily be you who "lets" him down the next time.

it sounds like you're mostly feeling afraid, and angry, do you really want to take it out on this man you care for? do you want to kick him when he's down? Not to mention, your kids will most certainly pick up on the animosity--I know I did with my parents, and it made me feel afraid and alone as a child.

that's not to say that you shouldn't be honest (at some point) about your feelings, though--in a measured, careful and respectful manner. perhaps some couples therapy would be good here--with a third person in the room, it becomes a safe place to say things that would ordinarily be very hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband hold a gun to your head to get your to agree to this new venture? It it had succeeded, would you have reaped the benefits?

[Anonymous]

I don't see anything positive coming from "I told you so". It'll just throw a wrench of resentment into your relationship. Try to see the good things of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Lincoln and Truman went bankrupt. Help your husband be a comeback kid.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:45 poster -- assuming that he worked hard at this job in the interim -- the time to put in your two cents would have been when he started the ventur. But now I agree you have to "own" the responsibility for the decision as if it were your own. Had you objected strenuously to the decison at the time and he had gone ahead with it anyway, that would be a different story...but it doesn't sound like that's what happened.

My husband also has the "entrepreneurial" bug and although I do not have it, I find it a very admirable quality in him. His big corporate job did not make him happy. That said, for the couple of years he spent looking for a path out of it, there were multiple "entrepreneurial" leads that I vetoed as being too risky. And then there was one that I agreed he should take. If it were to fail now, it would not all be on his shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you give him grief? You're on the same side. Honestly, as soon as I started seeing it this way, a lot of the problems in our marriage went away.

This is great advice. I'm going to try and remember this.

[Anonymous]

Most people who start a business fail the first time or first few times....next time will be better. Be glad you are married to a man with ambition. Pick him up, dust him off and wait for the next ripe opportunity for you all...in the meantime, do the daily grind, help him find a job and DO NOT lose your marriage over this !!! Most people have 7-8 careers/occupations in their working life....consider it one of those and MOVE ON !! Let your love rule, if he is ambitious the money will come some day...just hang in there, highly successful people have had multiple failures, that is how they know success.

[Anonymous]

Would you rather be right, or be happy?

[Anonymous]

I was going through old posts on this topic. We are in this very place now and I am trying to decide how to react. I think my husband's business has been tanking for the last year and now he can no longer draw any funds from it. The difficult decision of it being time to fold is imminent. He and his partner have one life line left to cast for additional VC funding. In the meantime I am encouraging him to apply for jobs like crazy but I think it really messes with his inner core.

We have always had a good deal of savings from family $$ i inherited. We are almost out of savings....we slowly used it over the last 2 years maintaining our standard of living (really that means paying the mortgage) and now I am terrified and angry. I should have put a stop to it all a while ago but I really believed he could succeed and I also never thought this recession would be so bad, so long.

My job is shaky at best. I would love to be a SAHM and mostly i am angry it looks like that will not happen for some time now. And I dont know if I have the emotional energy to talk my husband's ego back into existence. But this also seems like a bad reason to leave him. He is a good man and great father too. But...what a situation we are in....

HELP !

[Anonymous]

PP - Most divorces are due to $$ issues. Work this out, it is not going to work itself out. Get a financial mediator if you need to.
otherwise, you will likely loose your marriage. Decide what you want, your marriage or divorce. if you want your marriage, face the issues. TOGETHER.

[Anonymous]

Oh god-- don't rub it in- he feels bad enough I'm sure. Some pp made a good pt...if he didn't try this he prob. would have resented it (and poss. you) for the rest of his life. It's done and over with-- now if he brings up a hairbrained scheme in the future-- you by all means can put your foot down.

My dH plays it safe by nature. We are both risk-averse-- me def. way more than him. He occassionally brings up 'what he should have done' in a kind of nasty tone to me when he's had a bad day-- so the resentment can be there. Good wife for letting him have a go at it.