Husband's new business tanked, I want to say "Told You so"

[Anonymous]

I think it's not helpful to say "I told you so," however, I think it fine to express your disapointment in not having finanical freedom. Of course you are disapointed. I'm sure your husband is also. You are allowed to be mad. You just shouldn't direct all your anger at your husband, for surely the economy had a part in it.

I also think it is OK to use this as a learning tool. When/if your husband wants to do some other venture that could cause financial problems, you do have the right to bring up that maybe both of you need to think through it better.

[Anonymous]

OP, we obviously don't know enough about your relationship with your husband to give perfect advice, but here's my thinking: You have to communicate about this, and how you do it depends on your relationship, how much talking you have already done about it, and how "remorseful" he is. If he gets that it was a bad decision and is ready to move on, I wouldn't say much.

If he is still stuck in place, unwilling to let the venture go or not willing to take responsibility, I think you do need to speak up, because the resentment will break you. While I agree it wouldn't be prudent to do the "i told you so" dance (not suggesting you were planning on this), I

You may be able to find a way to say "I'm sorry it didn't work out, and I'm sorry I wasn't more vocal about my reservations when this venture started. I didn't want you to think I had doubts about your abilities, because I didn't and I don't. At the same time, I need you to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again because we need to get through this and on to the next thing so it doesn't ruin our family (financially or emotionally)."

For your own piece of mind, I think you need to say SOMETHING, otherwise you may lose respect for yourself. I also think there's a chance that your husband feels so badly that he's expecting you to say something about it, and he'll lose respect for you if you don't. Maybe not, but that's my two cents (obviously worth even less than it used to be.

In any event, best of luck

[Anonymous]

We have been through something like this, resulting in DH loosing his job, and not finding one for 8 months. Never once did I tell him so. I told my mom and my therapist, but not my husband, it would not have benefited anyone.

During his long, and desperate job search, I supported him 100%. The more worried he was, the less worried I appeared, and the more I assured him something would come along. I was a SAHM and I all the while I was holding him up, I went out and got a job. Never told him he was robbing my of my SAH status, or that I resented working, all because he couldn't do what I had advised him against. I just continued to do what needed to be done for our family.

Our marriage wasn't the strongest when this all started, and if I had been an ass about it, I would have certainly been divorced. Thank goodness I didn't because we have a much better marriage now, than we have ever had. He saw the error of his ways and all he needed and wanted was my support, and that's what I gave. It wasn't always easy, but it was the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

being "right" is not always the best place to be when you are rubbing it in people's faces. there are better things to be than "right" in some cases, especially in marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'd say you guys need to talk about your feelings a little...if you are thinking it, he probably knows it already, despite the fact it hasn't been verbalized. JMO.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a balance between shutting up and letting it all hang out there. It is okay to be upset angry, worried, etc. But blame, resentment, and one upmanship has not place. Ask him to express his feelings and say things like "I am feeling really disappointed and angry this did not work out for our family, and I know you tried. You must be feeling pretty low these days..." You need to come together now more than ever and expressing your thoughts and feelings is part of that. Just close your eyes and imagine it is YOU in his position, what you would you want to hear? Would you want hugs and love or an I TOLD YOU SO. Act on that.

[Anonymous]

I can relate - I am not there yet - but my husband wants to do something similar and I am also a pessimist like 10:43 poster. I am afraid that I would want to say the same things and rub it in when (and if) it happens (failure). I have to remind myself that men (sorry to stereotype) need to follow these dreams to feel good about themselves. I think of my own father who never ventured out of the safety of his little corporate (boring) job and now at age 70 I know he is looking back on his life thinking "what if"? I did not marry that kind of man and I hope he is succesful. I do respect his ambition and optimism. But it's hard not to say things...real hard. I also agree witht he poster who mentioned that "disdain" is the greatest predictor of divorce. I have had those feelings in the past and I know if things do not go well - I will be filled with disdain. I am scared of that. I want to be positive and suportive - but I am afraid I will slip back to "I told you so". I feel guilty - because I also know that if he is succesful I will benefit (financially) and of course I will take full advantage of that and enjoy it (I alrady have because he has, on a smaller scale, taking some risks which have panned out - and as a result - we have the nice house, etc, etc.......) BUT we could also lose all these things, too.....scary.

[Anonymous]

OP you are getting some good advice. No one likes to be lectured when they are down - yet, we can all see why you are so upset.
Please try to find a therapist, priest, good friend (who KNOWS without a doubt how to keep her mouth shut about what you say) and vent to them.
With your husband, sit down and talk about a recovery plan - what can he do to earn money while he is looking for a job? Can anything be salvaged from his efforts over the last three years? While he is in transition mode, what can he do to support you at your job and home? This will be hard on everyone - but having a plan with an anticipated upside will help. Also, I would schedule a time six months to a year out to talk to him about why things didn't work out with his business, how it affected both of you and what that means for the future (maybe a financial cushion of X amount that ABSOLUTELY cannot be touched before he gets to do something like this again)?
Keep in mind - no one ever takes a risk trying to fail - he really was hoping that this would work out for all of you. Do you really want to rub it in that it didn't, or is your bigger concern dealing with the fallout?

[Anonymous]

He was not wrong. He just failed. But the most successful people in this world have failed before, and they readily tell their stories of failure as critical to their future success. And the best part is that they had just as many nay-sayers as they launched their big wins as for their losses. The biggest failure is to never try.

[Anonymous]

Let him "mourn" and grieve. It's a loss - not only of $$, but of pride, time, effort, and a dream.

Console him when needed, but also keep searching for a silver lining - can you write off a capital loss on your taxes? Can you file and "regain" something with bankruptcy (although be very careful with bankruptcy and your credit)? Can your DH use what he learned from his enterprenueurship and apply that to the corporate world? I would think it would an awesome asset to have especially if presented well in a cover letter.

As for your own pride (the "I told you so" mentality): saying out loud right now would only add insult to injury. It's very tempting to blurt out especially since you have your own frustrations as a result of the failed business venture. Maybe a few years down the road, when you reminesce about by-gone days you can bring it up then and laugh about it ('what were we thinking trying to do X business?")

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself what is to be gained from you being "right"? Is your need to prove that you were right greater than your husband's emotional well-being? If it is, go for it. If not, then bite your tongue, go to work, and give him time to get up and bounce back. You DID say he was wonderful, right? The failure taught him a hard, valuable lesson. You shouldn't feel compelled to rub it in.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think the way you should respond is written in your post. "My husband is A WONDERFUL FATHER, good husband and an ambitious man"...i suspect he is a kind man too.

Frankly, I know LOTS of women who have husbands with successful businesses who would not use any of these nice adjectives to describe their husband. Business opportunities come and go...men like yours...well...they are a needle in a haystack. Give that man a big hug, say THANK YOU FOR TRYING SO HARD FOR US, WE LOVE YOU and move on., maybe next time things will go better and faster...you just never know. Anger has very little place in your scenario. This too shall pass.

Don't waste this opportunity to have love grow by being angry...seriously, i know it may be hard but nuture it and it will grow.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone needs to remain calm and the focus should be on keeping everyone in the family emotionally and physically healthy. Focus on the love.

[Anonymous]

I think the best advice is think how you would want your husband to act if the shoe were on the other foot. If you tend more for security than risk taking - imagine if your job had gotten unbearable and your husband was working full-time at a corporate job. For the most part, I tend more towards stability but I remember when I was absolutely ready to quite my job because I was miserable. I won't say my husband jumped for joy - but in the end he encouraged me and stood by me but also voiced his concerns. One of his concerns was paying for childcare while I looked for another job. We came up with a plan where I would give myself X time to find a job before quitting the current job, and then reasonably how much time I could be on a job search with full-time childcare before we had to re-evaluate. So I guess my whole thing is standing by your spouse doesn't mean you shouldn't voice concerns and the person take into account your concerns and you come to a compromise. Also, if he is trying to get a corporate job - if he does get something - is it the type of thing where you also wanted to go out on your own or move into a different field but couldn't because only one of you could afford to try something different at a time.

The one thing a lot of people are saying is if you don't ever try, you won't ever know. I'm also sure there are a lot of us that still want to find what we want to do when we grow up but stick with the thing that pays the bill until we feel we have enough financial cushion to try something different. You don't want to look back on life and regret not having tried. I like to read the WashingtonPost magazine story where it talks about people that have changed careers and started a business. While not always the cause, sometimes it was a layoff that triggered the person finally starting his or her own business. I'm wondering if your frustration is not as much the fact his business has failed, as you want a chance to do something new or different and felt you had to put that on hold while he started a new business. If that is the case, while you may not want to say anything right now - you may want to say that your hope is to be able to move from your corporate job to do something different and you want to get the chance at some point to at least try.

[Anonymous]

I called my husband crying one day in 2007 and told my husband that I was quitting my job the next day and starting my own firm. I could not take another day with my d-bag boss. My husband said, "OK. Sounds good to me." Every time I get angry at him -- And to be clear I have been completely pissed at him all weekend -- I repeat what he said to me on the phone that day. My firm has succeeded, but if it failed, I would die if he said I told you so. To me it is akin to saying, "I knew you would fail." Don't say it to him.