Husband's new business tanked, I want to say "Told You so"

[Anonymous]

While I have been bearing children and climbing the corporate ladder to keep our family afloat my husband left his secure corp job to start his own business 3 years ago...making virtually no $ for the last 3 years. I never really liked the idea but felt like I needed to 'stand behind my man'. Now its clear the business needs to fold, I feel badly for him and us but I think I always knew it was never going to make it and the economy now there is just no way. He is depressed and really upset about having to eat crow and try to find a corporate job (that is if he can find one !! ugh...i am terrified).

I know he was doing his best to take our family to the next level, and his plan was for me to be sitting on piles of cash and not have to work and just to enjoy our family. It is clear that I will have to work for the next decade at least and I am tired and feel a little angry. Though I know his ego is very fragile now and I need to be supportive but I want to scream I TOLD YOU SO ! as I was always weary of this happening and having no savings.

Anyhow, anyone else make it through tough times like this ?? I need advice...I know marriages crumble and families get ruined over things like this, and my husband is a WONDERFUL father, good husband and an ambitious man. How do I stay strong ? How do we make it ? What if he doesn't find work....? He is not a SAHD material and I dont think he has the emotional strength for that right now. I want to come out of this stronger than before...HOW ? help.

[Anonymous]

If your husband had never tried to "follow his dreams" by starting his own business, he may have felt resentment the whole time about never trying. That in iteself might have affected your marraige just as much as this situation.

[Anonymous]

Just bite your tongue. Your husband probably feels bad enough as it is. You will go a long way toward helping your marriage if you support him and refrain from saying "I told you so," no matter how true it is or how right you were. He probably feels tremendous guilt and anxiety already.

[Anonymous]

Definitely don't rub it in. He let you down and he knows it already. Tell him you are proud that he gave it his best shot. There are so many people out there that want to go out on their own but don't have the guts. The economy sucks - lots of good businesses are failing and even if your husband's business plan wasn't that great, at least he tried. Remember you married for better or worse. I'm afraid I don't have any other advice for you except to continue to support him (and he should do the same for you) through these tough times. FWIW, I wish my husband was more of a risk taker! There are some companies out there that are hiring. The federal gov't, healthcare industry. Maybe taking a few classes to head him in a different direction might rebuild his self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

You need to take ownership of the fact that the decision to proceed with the business was a joint decision, not his alone. Although you said you weren't comfortable, you said you supported him because you felt like you should. If you didn't voice your concerns earlier strongly enough, then you need to own that - not blame him. Your thought processes and behaviors right now are very passive-aggressive - which can lead to the development of a feeling of disdain for your partner. And, in research, the presence of disdain within marital dynamics was the number one predictor of divorce. Own responsibility for the fact that you did not voice your concerns initially, own the fact that it was a joint decision and that the failure is something the family must respond to as a team. GL - your insight is a good sign!

[Anonymous]

You want to say it but please don't. He knows you were right and need support from you right now, not criticism.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you both. This is a difficult situation with no tangible upside at the moment. I agree with PPs that it's absolutely best to bite your tounge and not indulge in "I told you so" with DH. No matter how tempting or how easy it would be to say, or even how much he might goad you into it in a bad moment. Once said, you can never take it back. And I think the most cruel thing we can do to another person is to attack/pile on when they're already feeling low and vulnerable.

FWIW, these are the times I tend to go back to my favorite marital advice/cliche -- ask yourself "What would love do here?" Cheesy but true. Try to engage him from a place of love, compassion and respect, and you all will get through it.

That said, you have EVERY right to feel what you feel -- disappointed, angry, resentful, worried etc. AND you very much need to feel those feelings and even express them -- just not to DH. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk with / vent to about this? Someone who will listen openly but won't hold it against DH, won't divulge it to others, won't try to get you riled up further? We all need an outlet for our feelings. The trick is finding the right one.

Good luck. I hope you can support each other through this and come out stronger on the other side!

[Anonymous]

and my husband is a WONDERFUL father, good husband and an ambitious man.

I'd shut the hell up. My husband is all of those things too, and I would never call him on a failure, especially if he put his heart and soul into the endeavor.

[Anonymous]

I am in your shoes sort of, altho my DH didn't start his own company but joined a tiny start-up 2 yrs ago with the same motivations as your DH.

I made a BIG mistake by being honest and voicing some of the things you are feeling. I was not a bitch about it, but I did say out loud in a respectful tone of voice that basically, well, I told you so (and now we are screwed, thank you very much).

As I said, I made a big mistake because this tension is killing our marriage. This topic and my lack of outward support is raised over and over. The marriage wasn't the strongest to begin with, granted, but my pointing out that DH made an (easily foreseeable, unnecessary and ) bad career move was a bad move on my part.

I'd say, keep your mouth shut bc it won't help and will only hurt, AND bc you most certainly have valid feelings, go do more yoga, running, ice cream eating or therapy -- whatever balances you.

[Anonymous]

I think that this will be us in a few months....
I am the risk averse and he is the entrepreneurial. He has started something and I encourage him as I know that it is his dream and he has to follow it (and it would not have been this project it would have been another one). However, being always pessimistic, I cannot imagine it working out. I would never tell him that as it is based on my pessimism not a judgment of his ideas.
I tried to remember what is the worse that can happen: as long as we can pay the mortgage, who cares about the high salary that he is not making... it is just money and once the basic standard of living that we want are satisfied we can do without the extra luxury, following his dream is the luxury that he was able to afford.

He needed to know he tried.
His experience with this business was invaluable and may land him a great job in the future (once the economy is better).
You never know what would have happened otherwise: he might have lost his job anyway and not have lived his dream.

If repeating these things do not calm your anger, I would talk to a conseler (on your own). Maybe you feel that there are dreams that you'd like to pursue but have pushed aside, or other reasons behind the anger.

[Anonymous]

I believe the best course is to stay quiet. As much as you want to blame him, you are partners. You are both responsible for your current situation I would also suggest you take a good look at your priorities. Focus more on your family and less on money. There are many advantages to working and having your own career (besides the money). W

[Anonymous]

10:43 the poster that says that it was a joint decision is right ... tell your husband that you guys are in it together and that you will get out of it together as a team.
Encourage him to find a job search buddy: someone else that is looking and that he trusts. They can encourage each other to put as much energy in their job search that they would in a real job.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything to him other than being supportive. Take your frustrations out at the gym. It's OK you feel this way, it's normal. But hurtful words can hurt forever. Hang in there. It *will* be OK.

[zumbamama]

Yes, be constructive. Focus on finding options. Help him find job leads. Both DH and I have tried striking out on our own business ventures. If we had denied each other going after our dreams, whether or not we succeeded, we would be resentful of each other. I know it is tough situation, but now is the time to be strong, supportive, and focused on solutions.

[Anonymous]

I think you are married to my husband! I understand your resentment and frustration (& his disappointment and shame). Having somewhere that isnt your husband to vent is helpful. I think there is some good advice in this thread about swallowing your comments and making moving forward a supportive joint decision. You'll make it.