when is it right to take a new job with young kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with the same dilemma--it literally keeps me up at night. Incredibly flexible job, interesting intermittently but generally adversarial and draining, $150k., 9-5, minimal travel, good vacation time and coworkers. No real opportunity for advancement or significant raises. Two young kids. I've been thinking I should just appreciate what I have and get an intellectually interesting hobby. But I do like the idea of applying for other jobs--in my case that would probably involve moving to a new, even more expensive city.

[Anonymous]

I think OP said she is over 40 and wants more kids-which means she needs to have them quickly. A brand new job means no coverage by FMLA and not much time to build up leave. So now might not be a great time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, responses like the ones above are why I love DCUM! I have really enjoyed reading your thoughtful replies and appreciated the personal insights you've shared. I'm still moving ahead with the process (down to 2 candidates and I'm told I am the first choice) but feeling better about staying at my current job and focusing on the positives by maximizing my flexible schedule by trying to take better care of myself so I don't get too stressed out (yoga class, here I come) and more one-on-one time with the kids (giving more hours to the housekeeper).

Anonymous wrote: You have a job that pays $175k AND has FABULOUS work life balance? That is the Holy Grail.

This PP's point is at the core of my ambivalence and as I've weighed stability/flexibility/good pay versus excitement/prestige, I've begun to realize that I may value my current job more than I've realized. I was thinking about what a job hunt would look like if the new job didn't work out and I recognize that finding a comparable situation to the one I have now would be difficult.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar position earlier this year. We'd just had our second child, and a colleague emailed me out of the blue with an amazing job offer (clinical faculty at an Ivy League university). In many ways, it was my dream job in terms of the variety and content of work I would have done, and the sky would have been the limit.

And, after much consideration and discussion with my prospective boss and many of her employees, I turned it down. One big reason was that it would have required a move to a location where we knew no one, whereas here we have family, friends, etc. But when it came down to it, I didn't want a demanding job, which it would have been. Not with two little kids (and hopefully a third at some point). I know myself, and it would have been easy for me to immerse myself in the job and rationalize time away from my kids, and then I would have realized that they were suddenly in high school. Not worth it.

Six months (or so) later, I have no regrets. In fact, I was offered a great promotion from my current position here, which will allow me to retain my flexibility but with a significant raise. Even if that hadn't come through (or if it falls through), I'm still glad I didn't take it. This time with my kids is far too precious and fleeting. I am so grateful for them daily--and for the interesting, meaningful work I can do here which, even if it's not my ideal, provides me with intellectual stimulation and balance.

This PP's comments (and other similar ones) really resonated with me because I hope that I will feel this way in six months and not be thinking about missed opportunities. Thanks again to all of the posters! You have reminded me that we are all struggling with achieving balance -- and even figuring out what that means to each of us and our families -- and it is heartening to now that I am not alone as we struggle to make choices about how we live our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, responses like the ones above are why I love DCUM! I have really enjoyed reading your thoughtful replies and appreciated the personal insights you've shared. I'm still moving ahead with the process (down to 2 candidates and I'm told I am the first choice) but feeling better about staying at my current job and focusing on the positives by maximizing my flexible schedule by trying to take better care of myself so I don't get too stressed out (yoga class, here I come) and more one-on-one time with the kids (giving more hours to the housekeeper).

Anonymous wrote: You have a job that pays $175k AND has FABULOUS work life balance? That is the Holy Grail.

This PP's point is at the core of my ambivalence and as I've weighed stability/flexibility/good pay versus excitement/prestige, I've begun to realize that I may value my current job more than I've realized. I was thinking about what a job hunt would look like if the new job didn't work out and I recognize that finding a comparable situation to the one I have now would be difficult.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar position earlier this year. We'd just had our second child, and a colleague emailed me out of the blue with an amazing job offer (clinical faculty at an Ivy League university). In many ways, it was my dream job in terms of the variety and content of work I would have done, and the sky would have been the limit.

And, after much consideration and discussion with my prospective boss and many of her employees, I turned it down. One big reason was that it would have required a move to a location where we knew no one, whereas here we have family, friends, etc. But when it came down to it, I didn't want a demanding job, which it would have been. Not with two little kids (and hopefully a third at some point). I know myself, and it would have been easy for me to immerse myself in the job and rationalize time away from my kids, and then I would have realized that they were suddenly in high school. Not worth it.

Six months (or so) later, I have no regrets. In fact, I was offered a great promotion from my current position here, which will allow me to retain my flexibility but with a significant raise. Even if that hadn't come through (or if it falls through), I'm still glad I didn't take it. This time with my kids is far too precious and fleeting. I am so grateful for them daily--and for the interesting, meaningful work I can do here which, even if it's not my ideal, provides me with intellectual stimulation and balance.

This PP's comments (and other similar ones) really resonated with me because I hope that I will feel this way in six months and not be thinking about missed opportunities. Thanks again to all of the posters! You have reminded me that we are all struggling with achieving balance -- and even figuring out what that means to each of us and our families -- and it is heartening to now that I am not alone as we struggle to make choices about how we live our lives.

OP, I'm the second PP you quoted, and am glad my perspective resonated with you. It's such a tough and immensely personal decision--and a family decision, too. I really looked at the successful academics I knew (which was the path I would have been on), and I just didn't want their life. I really am so happy I made the choice I did. FWIW, my husband also turned down what would have been a more exciting (and lucrative) position to stay on at his current flexible, stable job. I think we both do a good job of minimizing stress and taking care of ourselves and our family, and feel like that pays dividends.

Good luck with whatever you decide! I'm glad you've gotten such great feedback from folks (I asked this forum when I had the decision to make, and the responses I got were some variation of: "Yale? Are you insane? TAKE THE JOB!).

[Anonymous]

I'm torn between whether I should be a SAHM for my young child or work.

When I come home at 5 I only have 2 hours with my child. Minus 1 hour for dinner preparation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look into getting a government job.

Actually, I think government positions (in general) offer very little flexibility unless you are in the right office. You need to take leave to take your kid to the doctor, even though you put in a 10 hour day and/or work from home in the evenings. You can't work from home because the boss is old school and needs face time. The only benefit is that generally you can have really set hours.

I agree with this. I had a lot more flexibility with my private sector job than with my gov't job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look into getting a government job.

Actually, I think government positions (in general) offer very little flexibility unless you are in the right office. You need to take leave to take your kid to the doctor, even though you put in a 10 hour day and/or work from home in the evenings. You can't work from home because the boss is old school and needs face time. The only benefit is that generally you can have really set hours.

I agree with this. I had a lot more flexibility with my private sector job than with my gov't job.

I think it totally depends on the specific private sector job and the specific government job. There's a huge push for telework in government, so while there are old school bosses who don't like it, the organizational force is towards it. Generalizations really aren't useful. I've had tons of flexibility in my government job, and nothing like the pressure for long hours that I had in the private sector.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the PP who said that you have the holy grail in making $175K per year with a flexible schedule. I make about $150K, work basically 9-5 (though pretty flexible and can leave early/work from home when I need to) and I usually don't work weekends. I don't love my job (I really like my co-workers, so that helps) but I know from experience how hard it is to have a super demanding job with small children and I never want to go there again. My job is very well-respected and would allow me to lean back in at some point if I choose to but for now, I choose not to and am very happy with my choice. If I had a "dream job" fall in my lap right now that would require me to work 60 hour weeks and/or weekends, etc., I absolutely would not take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm torn between whether I should be a SAHM for my young child or work.

When I come home at 5 I only have 2 hours with my child. Minus 1 hour for dinner preparation.

Who spends an hour prepping dinner? I get home between 7 and 8; I'm too hungry to make anything complicated.

[Anonymous]

What kind of jobs do you all have that make $150K+ and you only work 40 hours? Sounds like a sweet gig.

[Anonymous]

As the CEO of a non-profit, is there the possibility to do more with the position than you have done? I say this because I'm always thinking I should be networking more with others in my same position in IT to get new ideas or crack the nut on some of the challenges we face. However, I'm so busy getting the day to day project work done and meetings that the extra time to innovate and network would put me over a 40 hour week and take time away from the kids and balancing their activities and homework. It isn't required but I think there is more I could do to be exceptional versus very good.