DH expects me to be his personal shopper

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH. I do about 90% of the cooking and all of the shopping. Yes, I "know what she likes", but there is a shopping list on the fridge. If it isn't one of the planned meals, she has to put a note on the shopping list. She can put "snacks" and I'll look at what's on sale that she sometimes eats and get that. If she wants something specific, she has to put it down. I take my phone and snap a photo of the shopping list before I go. I refer to that. If she didn't put it on the list, she can walk down to the store and buy it herself or wait until the next shopping trip. With 2 kids, I don't have time to do extra shopping trips because she didn't put it on the list.

And I don't make her lunches. She is welcome to put "lunchmeat" "fruit" even "lunch supplies" on the list and I'll get supplies for her to make lunches. But otherwise, she's on her own for lunches.

+1

I'm a DW and this is what I do. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get purchased, and you do without until next week. (or buy it yourself!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There really is no need to call me names.

NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.

I don't think that is being a doormat. If she enjoys doing that for her husband, so be it.

If she does it because she feels it is her duty, that is another story.

My step father makes my mother's coffee for her everything morning. That includes the cream/sugar. Is he a doormat? No. He just loves doing it for her and she loves the coffee he makes.

My husband makes my coffee for me every morning too. He is anything but a doormat.

My wife makes my coffee for me every morning, but I sure as hell don't complain about the way she does it.

The doormat clue isn't that she's doing all this -- it's that he's acting entitled to it and not appreciating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tape a sign on the fridge door that says: "Nothing to eat? Really?" then lists everything that is in the fridge/pantry he could eat from fruit to snacks to sandwiches he could put together.

I did this when I had this issue with my teenaged sons. It might work with your husband.

This is what I was going to suggest...maybe its that gender-linked "refrigerator blindness" that is his problem--he can't see what is right in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There really is no need to call me names.

NP here, you ARE a doormat, you make a lunch for him when he is home anyway. You cut up vegetable... Wow...
That sound crazy.

I don't think that is being a doormat. If she enjoys doing that for her husband, so be it.

If she does it because she feels it is her duty, that is another story.

My step father makes my mother's coffee for her everything morning. That includes the cream/sugar. Is he a doormat? No. He just loves doing it for her and she loves the coffee he makes.

My husband makes my coffee for me every morning too. He is anything but a doormat.

She doesn't sound like she is enjoying it at all.

[Anonymous]

What bothers me most is that he eats like a horse, snacks throughout the day but has fridge blindness like PPs mentioned. You really do need to treat him like a teenager. Will he eat bowls of cereal? Can you remind him that that is an option? You mentioned leftovers, but would he be willing to eat leftovers for lunch too? Make 4X as much each time.

I just would not put up with a piggy person who couldn't figure out what to eat his own damn self.

[Anonymous]

Doing something for your spouse doesn't make you a doormat. Especially is this distribution of work was a mutual decision. Not sure why people are calling you a doormat OP. A lot of very unhappily married people I guess who are resentful of doing anything for their spouse.

Talk to him about what the issue is. Not in the moment when he is annoyed but set a time aside. Be specific - you tell me to get what you like and don't give me specific foods but then you complain that there is nothing to eat. How should we remedy this? You can say the tasks you are happy to keep doing (shopping, cooking, lunch) but that you aren't happy having him complain about what you do. Ask him how together you can come up with a solution that you are both happy with.

Maybe you could save $30 or something from your once a week grocery trip and leave that for him to go out and buy what he wants in the middle of the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't buy a lot of junk food. Good for you (seriously--I don't mean that in a bitchy way), but is your DH into with healthy eating?

Mine isn't, so "there's nothing to eat" translates to "there's no ice cream/chips/cookies/frozen pizzas". He then goes to the store on his own to buy those things.

I agree on this interpretation of "there's nothing to eat". My teens used to say this to me pretty frequently when I was more rigid about not having a lot of junk food in the house. My daughter once made me laugh after a conversation in which I responded that the whole house was filled with good things to eat, and that I tried really hard to make sure they had healthy snacks in easy reach (including baked oatmeal squares, cut up fruit and vegetables, and nutritious wraps). She put her arm around me and said "I know mom. It's just that you're sort of trying too hard."

They seem happier now that I have compromised and order boxes of granola bars and sun chips from time to time.

[Anonymous]

He does plenty of kind things for me because he loves me.

Which apparently include:

constantly bugging me to go to the store because "there is nothing to eat."

He's your husband, not your child. Tolerating this behavior is what lends PP's to the "doormat" responses. Not kind, I understand. But come on, lady. Your DH's behavior is ridic.

[Anonymous]

OP,

if you didn't want to be called a "doormat" you shouldn't have titled your posting "DH expects me to be his personal shopper." I really do hope that your husband does a lot of other things around the house to balance out what you do, b/c working full time out of the house is much harder than working at home (commute, plus annoying co-workers, etc).

At any rate, my husband sounds somewhat similar to yours. he eats a ton and likes to have meals prepared from home for lunch. at some point before we had kids, i realized it would be way too much work for me to do everything so I made sure that he started cooking more. i do a lot of the grocery shopping but only b/c i don't mind it. if we run out of something i may be willing to run out and get it the next time i'm shopping but thankfully my husband does not expect me to go and get it.

if he's hungry and he always is, he some how manages to find something to eat (he eats pretty healthfully, so if we are out of stuff he'll usually eat fruit, dried fruit, nuts, cheese or toast w/ almond butter.)

it sounds like you may have spoiled him by taking on all of this yourself.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who suggested talking to him about it when your not upset. My DH and I have a similar setup, and for a while we had a similar problem. I had to think about why it bothered me so much when he asked me to shop in the middle of the week. I realized it was b/c not only did I not have time to go to the store, I felt like I was not caring for him well. And I enjoy caring for my DH by cooking for him and having food he likes around the house.
I told him that it upset me when he complained, and he stopped grumbling. We also got an app to use as a grocery list. For whatever reason my DH is much more likely to type something into the app that he needs, then find a pen and write it on a list on the fridge.
I also started doing online grocery shopping, with harris teeter express lane. That way I wasn't spending my Saturday mornings at the grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH. I do about 90% of the cooking and all of the shopping. Yes, I "know what she likes", but there is a shopping list on the fridge. If it isn't one of the planned meals, she has to put a note on the shopping list. She can put "snacks" and I'll look at what's on sale that she sometimes eats and get that. If she wants something specific, she has to put it down. I take my phone and snap a photo of the shopping list before I go. I refer to that. If she didn't put it on the list, she can walk down to the store and buy it herself or wait until the next shopping trip. With 2 kids, I don't have time to do extra shopping trips because she didn't put it on the list.

And I don't make her lunches. She is welcome to put "lunchmeat" "fruit" even "lunch supplies" on the list and I'll get supplies for her to make lunches. But otherwise, she's on her own for lunches.

I like you.

[Anonymous]

I would just continue doing what you are doing. Meaning going to the supermarket once every week, buying what is needed and that is that.

If he feels he needs something else during the week, then he can get off his lazy ass and go get it. If not, then let him learn to do w/out.

Since you also work outside the home + you do the majority of the shopping/cooking for the household, I am hoping he is contributing something too such as washing the dishes afterward or at least doing some of the housework.

Please do not tell me you also do all the cleaning and laundry as well.