Delicate conversation - how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

Not the OP, but this would be awkward for me.
However, I am the frumpy woman at work. My problem is my hair - sometimes it is frizzy and Out of control. A coworker/friend brought in hair stuff "she didn't need". Although I could see through the attempt, I appreciated it and took the hair stuff. I've worked harder at getting the frizz under control. FYI, I'm very white, just have frizzy hair that is hard to control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

Not the OP, but this would be awkward for me.
However, I am the frumpy woman at work. My problem is my hair - sometimes it is frizzy and Out of control. A coworker/friend brought in hair stuff "she didn't need". Although I could see through the attempt, I appreciated it and took the hair stuff. I've worked harder at getting the frizz under control. FYI, I'm very white, just have frizzy hair that is hard to control.

Have you spoken to your hairdresser? He or she can give you suggestions on what would work best with your hair/routine/lifestyle to avoid the frizzies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

Not the OP, but this would be awkward for me.
However, I am the frumpy woman at work. My problem is my hair - sometimes it is frizzy and Out of control. A coworker/friend brought in hair stuff "she didn't need". Although I could see through the attempt, I appreciated it and took the hair stuff. I've worked harder at getting the frizz under control. FYI, I'm very white, just have frizzy hair that is hard to control.

Sorry about the frizzy hair. Not fun I am sure. Odor is a different thing. This can typically be controlled. They will both be mortified, but they will both live and both be better for the experience.

Once time in colleage I walked around with my skirt tucked up in my backpack for well over an hour before anyone told me. Granted I had a great ass then, but I was 20 so I was totally mortified.
Then there was the time I looked in the mirror when I got home from work and something from lunch was in my teeth. Why couldn't any of the 20 people I spoke to after lunch tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

Not the OP, but this would be awkward for me.
However, I am the frumpy woman re at work. My problem is my hair - sometimes it is frizzy and Out of control. A coworker/friend brought in hair stuff "she didn't need". Although I could see through the attempt, I appreciated it and took the hair stuff. I've worked harder at getting the frizz under control. FYI, I'm very white, just have frizzy hair that is hard to control.

Have you spoken to your hairdresser? He or she can give you suggestions on what would work best with your hair/routine/lifestyle to avoid the frizzies.

Yes. I've done keratin treatments. Sometimes it turns out smooth and silky for a couple months. This last time is was $400 wasted. High end chain with the newest version of keratin. Didn't work.
I find some oils work well for a while but eventually build up and I have to stop for a few weeks.
I hate the frizz!

[Anonymous]

The frumpy appearance isn't really any of your business. If your boss feels it's not sufficiently formal for the work place, she can address it, but as a peer I would just try to forget that.

The smell issue - isn't there are way to kind of convey the message without actually saying it? When you do need to work together, sit a few feet back. When you're in a room together, open the door or window and let some fresh air in? If it's so awful that even those steps don't help, then perhaps you do need to say something along the lines of "I'm really sorry to bring this up, but the smell is a bit much for me. We can reschedule if you wanted to take a break to shower at the gym or something."

[Anonymous]

I would NOT want to be taken out to coffee to be told I smell. I would want the anon email.

I have very frizzy hair, PP. Coconut oil seems to help me. I hear good things about argon oil - maybe you could switch off using them? FYI, I was told not to use coconut oil too often - no more than twice a week, as otherwise there's a buildup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

OP here - this is the winner idea for me. But I'll probably do it in her office so we're not out in public. And I'll wait for the next day when it's really obvious, too. Thanks to whoever wrote this for the perfect language (for me -- I'd feel comfortable saying this). DCUM win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is uncomfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has been great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

OP here - this is the winner idea for me. But I'll probably do it in her office so we're not out in public. And I'll wait for the next day when it's really obvious, too. Thanks to whoever wrote this for the perfect language (for me -- I'd feel comfortable saying this). DCUM win!

Glad this works for you. It will undoubtedly be awkward. You are a great colleague and friend for just tackling it head on.

[Anonymous]

Ask her a hypothetical question:

"Have you noticed that when it is really hot outside, with people doing a lot of walking as part of our daily commutes, by the time we get to work, it feels like we need another shower?"

Start a polite and subtle conversation with her, and see what she says.

Show her a packet of Wet Ones and other moist wipes and deodarant that you use to freshen up when you get to work after being outside.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you could post a follow-up after you talk w/ your colleague, it would be appreciated. I have a somewhat similar situation at work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you could post a follow-up after you talk w/ your colleague, it would be appreciated. I have a somewhat similar situation at work, too.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, this was a story on NPR today!

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/07/16/331798973/coping-with-a-co-workers-body-odor-takes-tact?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20140716