Delicate conversation - how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a website that will send an anonymous email to her. There are a few different phrases that you can pick. I remember sending one to someone about being smelly once. It was very polite.

Sending an anonymous email is never polite. It's cowardly and undignified. I would be humiliated if someone sent me an anonymous email. Is this a hard conversation? Absolutely. That's why, like all difficult conversations, it needs to happen in person and not in an email or over a text or by phone. It shows you respect the co-worker as a person and are sharing the information because you care about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a website that will send an anonymous email to her. There are a few different phrases that you can pick. I remember sending one to someone about being smelly once. It was very polite.

Sending an anonymous email is never polite. It's cowardly and undignified. I would be humiliated if someone sent me an anonymous email. Is this a hard conversation? Absolutely. That's why, like all difficult conversations, it needs to happen in person and not in an email or over a text or by phone. It shows you respect the co-worker as a person and are sharing the information because you care about her.

New poster. In theory, I agree PP. But in this situation, I think being faced with this information (Basically, "You smell") face to face is going to be pretty awful. Getting a tactfully worded email. "I need to let you know because you may not be aware that you need to wear more anti-perspirant" is really much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a website that will send an anonymous email to her. There are a few different phrases that you can pick. I remember sending one to someone about being smelly once. It was very polite.

Sending an anonymous email is never polite. It's cowardly and undignified. I would be humiliated if someone sent me an anonymous email. Is this a hard conversation? Absolutely. That's why, like all difficult conversations, it needs to happen in person and not in an email or over a text or by phone. It shows you respect the co-worker as a person and are sharing the information because you care about her.

New poster. In theory, I agree PP. But in this situation, I think being faced with this information (Basically, "You smell") face to face is going to be pretty awful. Getting a tactfully worded email. "I need to let you know because you may not be aware that you need to wear more anti-perspirant" is really much better.

Yes, but it doesn't give the co-worker any opportunity to respond or ask questions. When you send something anonymously, you have no idea how the person will take the information or they will even understand it in the same way you intended it. That's why you do it face to face so there is no misunderstanding. The assumption is that this woman will be embarrassed and want to hide her face in shame because that might be how YOU would respond. Doing this anonymously robs the co-worker any control in the conversation, and that's the part that is not okay.

[Anonymous]

The other problem with the "anonymous" email is that she'll probably figure out it came from the woman she's now sitting next to all the time.

I would go to your HR supervisor not with a formal complaint but for advice on how to handle it. If you're lucky, said supervisor will tactfully take it on herself or himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been overweight - really overweight - I know what you mean and yes she probably doesn't realize it. I am guessing it's not just a matter of using under arm deodorant because when you are really overweight you sweat in other places they don't make deodorant for. She might have a yeast infection actually that is causing the smell.

OP here-- yes, this is the type of problem I'm referencing. Lots of good advice here. Thanks, all!

[Anonymous]

What if it's a medical condition? Like PCOS?

[Anonymous]

When you first see her in the day you say, "Sorry to say this Susan, but it's noticeable you forgot deodorant today. It's pretty uncomfortable for me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you first see her in the day you say, "Sorry to say this Susan, but it's noticeable you forgot deodorant today. It's pretty uncomfortable for me."

NP. I don't think it's a matter of forgetting deodorant. It's like the formerly very overweight PP said, where sweat happens in other places (e.g., in skin folds). I worked with someone who had this problem, too.

[Anonymous]

If it was me, I would MUCH rather receive an anonymous email than be told face to face.

[Anonymous]

Going to HR could backfire. If they tell you that you shouldn't say anything then you're stuck. As the expression goes, better to ask forgiveness than permission.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation with a male colleague only in addition to body odor he had horrible breath that I would want to vomit every time I was near him. I never really approached him about it (chickened out). Since this is a woman share some of your personal experiences i guess

[Anonymous]

Depending on your relationship with her....When you are around her - ask out loud "Do you smell something? I hope it's not me and smell your shirt, say a cry of relief "Whew - was worried i forgot my deoderant". Laugh and blame the , potential mold, and complain how summer always makes the office smell stinky.

[Anonymous]

I had a colleague - mid-fifties, fairly senior in our department, very respected and well-liked - who had a serious underarm odor problem. I think he finally dealt with it by getting Botox under the arms. He's a really attractive man, normal weight, and well-groomed in every way. I think he actually did have a medical condition. I'm sure he was aware of it, or at some point someone said something to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those recommending a polite conversation, what exactly would you say?

Maybe ask her out for coffee (not lunch b/c if she is comfortable she can't rush off if her meal just arrived). Address it head on and you can even say how awkward it is. Talk about what you personally do to avoid the issue.
You could say something like.

"It has ben great working with you, and I consider you a friend which I why I wanted to speak with you about this directly. This hard for me to say and probably a bit hard for you to hear but I am just going to say it. I've noticed an odor when we work together. I know when I am really hot I tend to sweat in places I didn't know I could sweat. What helps me is a good anti-perpirant, powder, and breathable clothing. Please know I am not telling you this to make you feel bad. As a friend I am concenred this could impact how others interact with you at work."

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll thank you and clean up her act. Maybe she will cry and tell you about some chronic health issue.

very good advice