Terrible situation with sibling, please advise

[Anonymous]

I will try to answer this best i can. He does have an education but did not pursue a career of any kind, chose to do lower commitment dead-end type of jobs. No career ambition. Don't know why - lack of self-esteem? Some drug use possibly issues with addiction but don't know the extent of it. We lived far away from each other for many years and i did not always know what was going on with him. The underlying issues are not clear to me but it is clear that he lacks direction and this has long been the case. Our father was also disfunctional in this way. I have a difficult time relating to this, so tough to explain. We did not have a great upbringing i think we have both been impacted by this although in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
To the PP who refused to take in a toddler without his problem parent, I think that's a bit harsh on your part.

OP is talking about a whole family living in a house with a home-business.

What was your excuse PP?

Agreed. You take the child. You don't punish a child for their parents wrong doing. How would you want to be treated as a child?

OP, if you could, I'd offer to take the kids but not dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To the PP who refused to take in a toddler without his problem parent, I think that's a bit harsh on your part.

OP is talking about a whole family living in a house with a home-business.

What was your excuse PP?

Agreed. You take the child. You don't punish a child for their parents wrong doing. How would you want to be treated as a child?

OP, if you could, I'd offer to take the kids but not dad.

I already explained above why I could not take him in. It wouldn't have been in his best interest or that of my own two kids.

[Anonymous]

OP continuing with what has gotten him into this situation ..
lack of parental guidance and support when he was younger. General lack of direction, ambition. Bad choices. Some bad luck i think it is fair to say. Not seeing the need to make changes after having kids ... Led to not making changes. Which led to this.

[Anonymous]

I don't get how one person can tell another person that they have to take in a child. Or even have such a strong opinion about what is right and wrong in this way. This is in regard to pp who did not take in toddler relative. We are talking about the care of children! In my opinion not willing or feeling incapable of taking in a relative's child/children = disqualified! Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how one person can tell another person that they have to take in a child. Or even have such a strong opinion about what is right and wrong in this way. This is in regard to pp who did not take in toddler relative. We are talking about the care of children! In my opinion not willing or feeling incapable of taking in a relative's child/children = disqualified! Think about it.

Ok, but what if it means the child goes into the foster care system and lives with strangers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how one person can tell another person that they have to take in a child. Or even have such a strong opinion about what is right and wrong in this way. This is in regard to pp who did not take in toddler relative. We are talking about the care of children! In my opinion not willing or feeling incapable of taking in a relative's child/children = disqualified! Think about it.

Ok, but what if it means the child goes into the foster care system and lives with strangers?

Sometimes trained and well-equipped strangers are a better choice than relatives who have no experience with kids or are overloaded with the ones they already have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how one person can tell another person that they have to take in a child. Or even have such a strong opinion about what is right and wrong in this way. This is in regard to pp who did not take in toddler relative. We are talking about the care of children! In my opinion not willing or feeling incapable of taking in a relative's child/children = disqualified! Think about it.

Ok, but what if it means the child goes into the foster care system and lives with strangers?

Sometimes trained and well-equipped strangers are a better choice than relatives who have no experience with kids or are overloaded with the ones they already have.

Perhaps, but is that the case with most foster care parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how one person can tell another person that they have to take in a child. Or even have such a strong opinion about what is right and wrong in this way. This is in regard to pp who did not take in toddler relative. We are talking about the care of children! In my opinion not willing or feeling incapable of taking in a relative's child/children = disqualified! Think about it.

Ok, but what if it means the child goes into the foster care system and lives with strangers?

Foster parents volunteer to take in and take care of children, they get the relationship with the child and the family member does not. Some people will not be able to handle this and in the end will probably take the child in. Some really are not up to the task and so therefore it is perhaps in the child's best interest to be in foster care. "Strangers" can be good people and provide a safe and loving environment. Children separated from their parents have a lot of needs and issues - it is a major responsibility to take on it really should be voluntary. A very complex issue with a lot of variables, i don't think anyone has all the answers.

[Anonymous]

OP it would be completely insane to give up your income to take in your brother. You are barely keeping your head above water. If you let him grab onto you he will drag you down and you will both drown. If you could help you would.

[Anonymous]

Lisa Ling's most recent "Our America" segment dealt with the foster care system in Los Angeles. There is a huge need for foster care homes. There's nowhere for many kids to go.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can totally relate as my younger brother is the screwed up one in our family. He's 35 now, and he'll never change. Fortunately, he doesn't have any kids, but he's definitely a huge burden. My mom, when she was alive, tried to do everything for him, and he ended up a huge, spoiled mess. As his screw ups became greater and greater, my parents tried to make my older brother (mostly) and me feel as if we were bad people b/c we weren't willing to sacrifice ourselves for him.

The greatest problem is that people like this will always try to take the easy way out. They don't ever want to suffer and work for something. I warned him years ago that my dad and brother couldn't help him out indefinitely b/c none of us have infinite resources, but he didn't want to hear what I was saying. I told him that my husband and I would let him live w/ us (rent free) and help him learn how to manage his finances etc. if he proved that he could be responsible first (i.e., hold down a job) but he lied to us and proved incapable of doing so. After years of seeing this train wreck happen again and again, i finally cut him out of my life. it was much too painful to see it happening and not being able to do anything.

I'm really sorry that your mother has chosen to take this out on you by laying it at your feet. You are not your brother's keeper. He is old enough to stand on his own feet, and as hard as it may be you can't take him in. Nothing good will come of it. I'm just really sorry for his kids.

[Anonymous]

For those who have said they would take in the family or "would if they could," under what circumstances would you actually do this? It sounds like the situation OP describes would not be temporary. And it involves multiple children - which presumably would be in her care if the brother is to be able to work. Is this correct OP? Would you be able to arrange and pay for daycare when they are not in school or be able to take care of them yourself? How many of you would really be able to handle taking care of several young children in addition to your own on an ongoing basis? Be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who have said they would take in the family or "would if they could," under what circumstances would you actually do this? It sounds like the situation OP describes would not be temporary. And it involves multiple children - which presumably would be in her care if the brother is to be able to work. Is this correct OP? Would you be able to arrange and pay for daycare when they are not in school or be able to take care of them yourself? How many of you would really be able to handle taking care of several young children in addition to your own on an ongoing basis? Be honest.

SAHM so child care is no issue. We'd make it work. The only catch would be I would want legal custody through the court to be able to put them on our insurance.

[Anonymous]

You are truly a good person and i admire you.