Family Vacations WWYD?

[Anonymous]

But the problem isn't that they don't have enough time as a nuclear family to connect. They have three or four OTHER weeks plus long weekends to connect as a nuclear family unit on vacation, which is more than most other people have even without that extra week at OBX. The problem seems to be that the wife just doesn't want to vacation with her in laws anymore and her husband does, so the wife would like to go to a more chi chi location in order to price out her in laws. But without hurting their feelings!!! It seems like a really privileged perspective to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question:
When do you see your extended family? Is it only during the summer? Milestones (Wedding / Graduations)? Holidays?

Do you do similar extended family visits with your family?

I know how stressful vacations with family can be - but you need to get to the real issue before you can come up with the right solution.

His family? ALL the freakin time. Seriously, at LEAST once a week and often more. They do offer to babysit for us often, which is very sweet, and I do sincerely appreciate it. But the weekly or biweekly get togethers are too much for me. DH doesn't get it though and when I try to talk to him about it he accuses me if being grouchy and anti social.

We go to visit see my family once a year for about a week. My mom drives down to visit fir a few days about once every six weeks. We're close but we don't see each other that often. Just a very different dynamic between the two obviously.

We're getting to the crux of it here. You are expressing a desire to change things up and DH is swatting you down and dismissing you. Not cool. He needs to work with you to find a compromise. I like the idea of switching it off every other year. Sounds like this is a mental block for him because he feels responsible for providing his family of origin with an annual vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But the problem isn't that they don't have enough time as a nuclear family to connect. They have three or four OTHER weeks plus long weekends to connect as a nuclear family unit on vacation, which is more than most other people have even without that extra week at OBX. The problem seems to be that the wife just doesn't want to vacation with her in laws anymore and her husband does, so the wife would like to go to a more chi chi location in order to price out her in laws. But without hurting their feelings!!! It seems like a really privileged perspective to me.

A privileged perspective would not entertain seeing DH's family multiple times a month/week to keep the peace. I don't care how many other vacations they're taking, if she's tired of spending every July 4 with ILs, then she has a right to say can we skip it this year?

[Anonymous]

Nothing changes unless you decide as a couple. Then if you change you need to give notice to his family way ahead of time - like a year ahead. Or, better yet - no reason husband can't vacation w/his family at OBX. You come if you want or don't. You don't have to do everything together.But DH would then need to have the extra vacation time to go where you want. I completely understand the draw of somewhere new - it is reasonable. Know that DH family (any husband's family) mostly want to see him, oh and the kids - what you do, whether you come, is really not so important.

[Anonymous]

^^ previous poster again. But do not show unhappiness that husband pays for the OBX trip. If you can do both, just be at peace that a compromise of 2 trips will cost more.

[Anonymous]

yeah this!!! ^ He rents/pays for the usual OBX trip w/his family and kids with or without you. You don't complain about the money. BUT he also agrees to another trip somewhere new where you want to go w/just the nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with "suck it up". You see these folks A LOT. You deserve time as a nuclear family to connect. Your kids will also benefit from seeing new places, having new experiences, etc. I don't agree with the idea that you should suck it up because these people raised your sons. Good god, that excuse could be used to knock down just about anything that you want that he/they don't.

Do your own thing. It will make your other time with them much more tolerable, particularly because you won't have this resentment building.

+10000

Why do these people dictate your vacation time? Even if you "switched locations", as PP suggested, its still the OBX. If you don't like it there, it is understandable.

I suppose if you can afford it, your DH could go with them and your children while you stay home or have your own vacation planned. No crime in that, if you can afford it AND if you have enough vacation time.

DH's family did nothing but take, that is why we do not care to spend our precious vacation time with them and their idea of "vacation", which is anything but. In our case, the family is no help, and they DEFINITELY do NOT babysit in any way, shape or form, nor have they ever. Come to think of it, DH paid back his undergrad to his mother WITH SUBSTANTIAL INTEREST, so there's that, too.

IDK, in my case, I would feel differently if they weren't so negative, in just about every way and opportunity. We go to the Cape because it is where everyone we know vacations. If you time the trip right, the traffic is far less than OBX traffic, for PP who asked.

[Anonymous]

OP --is it just grandparents on this trip or cousins, siblings too?

G

[Anonymous]

I get that OBX traffic sucks but there is just no way you can say that the Cape is about the same trip. You'd have to be comparing driving to the Cape in the middle of the night with driving to OBX at the peak time, and it would still probably take longer to get to the Cape.

[Anonymous]

I have stayed w my ILs at a beach house for a week and the drama did not make it relaxing at all. (not just grand parents but 2 other siblings and their families)

There are those who expect everyone else to watch their children.
Purchase expensive drinks / food and expect everyone else to share the cost (I do not purchase lobster for my kids)
Expect for everyone to wait for them - but decides to go for a run when everyone is about to leave.

I can understand how draining it can be - sometimes you just need to find your own space and do your own thing.

I have no advise - but can empathize.

[Anonymous]

Just invite your family too. So he is vacationing with his in-laws too. The more the merrier.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you go to the same beach spot every year for your vacation? That sounds like hell. How boring.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think you are already making a concession by going on vacation with DH's family _every year_ AND paying for it. I think it's only fair for you to pick a different location.

Since it sounds like you have 4-5 vacations a year, maybe you could do one year where you do one fewer trip and spend the money on renting a big house in Nantucket/Cape. Maybe DH would like the new location and it can help transition to a new tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I know I am the only dissenting voice here but I really feel like you should suck it up and go with your husband's family. You could still rent on different parts of the OBX every year for some variety. Your husbands parents won't be with you forever and you won't be going there for the rest of your life, certainly.

These people raised your husband to be the man he is, and they don't have a whole bunch of money. I'm sure they provide you with free babysitting while you are at the beach so you can go out to dinner with your husband. I'm sure this vacation allows your husband to reconnect with them in a way that improves his quality of life. It sounds to me like you and your husband have a pretty nice standard of living and your husband at least feels like he owes them. I think it would be a shame and fairly selfish if you took this away from them. I mean, a week at a beachfront property at the OBX is too déclassé for you? Where is your sense of family obligation? Someday your kids and their SOs may be in the same position, and I hope you can imagine how hurtful it might be to be on the receiving end. FWIW, in my opinion there is no way to break this news to them in a way that is not hurtful, particularly if your family is still going to a beach, just one that is more upscale and filled with richer people. JMHO.

These are good points. Sorry, OP, I vote suck it up too. If it really is just one vacation out of the 4-5 you will take this year, it shouldn't be a big deal to you.

Ditto. DH obviously enjoys these vacations with his family and wants to keep doing them. The only reason that OP wants to stop is because she is sick of them and the location. Sorry, but this isn't much of a reason. Given that your immediately family has plenty of other vacation time without the inlaws, there really is no gracious way to stop this tradition -- especially if hubby enjoys it and enjoys providing this for his family. Even if you could convince him to stop - which sounds unlikely -- you will be the bad guy here and this will negatively impact your relationship with your inlaws. OP, you should really consider whether a change of scenery for one of your 4-5 weeks of vacation is really worth it.

[Anonymous]

How about a Rehoboth or Bethany rental?